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Archive for the ‘Infertility sucks a giant black hole of suckiness’ Category

So if you’ve been wondering why it is that I moved my blog, this is basically why.  Too many IRL folks that I didn’t want reading my blog had found my blog, which left me feeling like I really couldn’t talk about infertility-related things, which, HELLO? is what my blog’s purpose was in the first place.  Yes, it’s all fine and good that I have these beautiful triplets and amazing four year old now, but that’s not all this blog is about.  The original purpose for this blog was to work through my feelings about infertility and how it impacts my life and the world around me.

But, Karen?!  That’s all behind you now!  You don’t have to live with all that infertility crap anymore!  Your family is complete!  Two boys, two girls, what more could a girl ask for?  Oh, I know, it’s easy to think that, but I don’t think that way.  Maybe I should.  Maybe I’d be happier if I did.  But I never wanted one pregnancy and then my family building was done.  I never said I’d be done with four children (though, admittedly, I did originally have a general goal of four kids in mind).  Is it so much to ask that maybe I should get to have a singleton pregnancy without the hell that I went through with the triplet pregnancy?  Is it so much to ask that I should get to have as many kids as my little heart desires?  Is it so much to ask that I should get to have five million dollars?  Is it so much to ask that no one but my husband and I should dictate when we’re done building our family together?  Um, okay, so maybe only four million?

So yesterday I had this conversation with Jess:

Me:  I can’t do anything right, and I just want to cry.
Her:  Are you menstrual?
Me:  I don’t think so.  No.  Definitely not.  And I feel REALLY fat.  Like beached whale fat.
Her:  Okay, so you ARE PMSing.  So we’ll chalk it up to that, and see how you’re feeling tomorrow.
Me:  No I’m NOT!
*later*
Me:  Um, yeah, uh, so you’re smarter than me…
Her:  I *knew* it!

Funny thing is, we have this exact same conversation every single month.  I have a day where I can’t seem to do anything right, where I just want to cry over everything.  She accuses me of PMSing, I insist that can’t be right, next thing you know, I’m spotting.  And I *always* feel fatter than usual on PMS days. 

But here’s the thing…  Um.  I’m nursing.  Three babies.  And I’ve been doing so for 9 months.  And do you know how many periods I’ve had in those 9 months?  NINE.  Never in my life have I gotten nine periods in a row.  Never.  My OB remains convinced that these are anovulatory periods, but I am skeptical, because the hormonal ups and downs are SO accute, and the signs of ovulation at the right time are pretty darned obvious (even though, even when our timing has been just right, nothing has come of it).

And I just wonder if there will ever come a time in my life where I stop thinking of the first day of "full flow" of my period as "CD1".  Will it ever just be a nuisance that I brush off?  Or will it forever be a significant day in marked with sadness and fear, heartbreak and hope?  I understand, now (not that I didn’t before), why another blogging IFer friend of mine got a tubal ligation after her second child was born recently.  A lot of people didn’t understand why she would do such a thing after all she’d gone through to have children, but it makes sense.  It takes the significance, the pain, the frustration out of that day.  It’s not cycle day one, it’s just the first day of your period.  Still, I don’t think I could ever do it.  I hate the significance that CD1 has in my life, the power that it holds over my moods and my outlook, yet I love the hope that stretches out in front of it.  What could be more glorious?

I don’t really know where I’m going with this.  I’m technically not TTC right now, because I’m nursing, and theoretically I’m not ovulating because of that.  HAH!  But I do know that when I wean my babies (*sob!*), I’ll be heading back for ye old’ fertility clinic (for, say it with me people, single embryo transfers!), and I’ll be once again enmeshed in the mess of counting and waiting and hoping and wishing.  Right now I’m trying to pretend that I’m not doing that every month anyway, which is ridiculous, because, hello?  I have three nine month olds. 

I’m sorry if I seem greedy to those of you who haven’t made it to the other side yet.  That’s not what this is about.  It’s about the fact that the universe has no right to dictate to ANYONE when or whether they can have a child or another child or even yet another child.  I will love any children brought into my life.  I have more love to give children, why shouldn’t I be given that chance, just as I hope and pray that you, too, should be given that chance.  Preferably sooner than later.

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