ChezPerky

Holy cow. I'm pregnant. With triplets. Seriously! I keep thinking this is someone else's life I'm dreaming about or writing about or apparently completely obsessing about. Then I remember that I already woke up and this really is MY life, not some bizarre story someone told me about once. It's me. I'm the pregnant person. With triplets. For the moment. Parts of me have absoultely no doubt that come the fall, I'm going to have three little monsters to chase after (as much as one chases after newborns who don't move much, which is a good thing, since I'll also be recovering from a c-section). The rest of me can't imagine I'll ever make it that far.

But I digress.

I talked to my husband last night and reiterated my frustration about the MFM doctor, but then got smart and asked him if he came away with the same impressions I had. Yeah, um, no. He didn't. He, in fact, came away with almost the exact opposite impressions that I came away with. He didn't feel like the MFM doc was pushing an agenda. He felt like she was very clear that reduction was only one of my options, and while she believe it was probably my best option, she never indicated that it was my only option (I agree with his assessment on that point). Yes, she put the reduction on the schedule, but told me several times that just because it was on the schedule didn't mean I couldn't cancel it (now that he reminds me, I remember her saying that, but I guess the impact of the words didn't leave enough of an impression on me). Essentially the one complaint that I have that he agrees with is that no one has said, "While we still believe reduction is your best option, you should know that there are a few associated risks. And here's what we'll do to control those risks."

I don't think there's any real likelihood that I'm going to have a reduction. I don't think the evidence, even given my medical issues, is compelling enough to change my mind on this. So maybe it's just not all that relevant that no one has tried to address the risks, and maybe I should stop being all uppity about that point, since it may just be completely irrelevant. I don't feel uncomfortable with the care this practice would give me should I choose not to reduce. Maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I hear that happens when you're pregnant. Could it be that this is just another of a myriad of pregnancy symptoms?

And is it really true? Am I seriously pregnant? With triplets???????? How could this be!? When will I wake up?

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Holy cow. I'm pregnant. With triplets. Seriously! I keep thinking this is someone else's life I'm dreaming about or writing about or apparently completely obsessing about. Then I remember that I already woke up and this really is MY life, not some bizarre story someone told me about once. It's me. I'm the pregnant person. With triplets. For the moment. Parts of me have absoultely no doubt that come the fall, I'm going to have three little monsters to chase after (as much as one chases after newborns who don't move much, which is a good thing, since I'll also be recovering from a c-section). The rest of me can't imagine I'll ever make it that far.

But I digress.

I talked to my husband last night and reiterated my frustration about the MFM doctor, but then got smart and asked him if he came away with the same impressions I had. Yeah, um, no. He didn't. He, in fact, came away with almost the exact opposite impressions that I came away with. He didn't feel like the MFM doc was pushing an agenda. He felt like she was very clear that reduction was only one of my options, and while she believe it was probably my best option, she never indicated that it was my only option (I agree with his assessment on that point). Yes, she put the reduction on the schedule, but told me several times that just because it was on the schedule didn't mean I couldn't cancel it (now that he reminds me, I remember her saying that, but I guess the impact of the words didn't leave enough of an impression on me). Essentially the one complaint that I have that he agrees with is that no one has said, "While we still believe reduction is your best option, you should know that there are a few associated risks. And here's what we'll do to control those risks."

I don't think there's any real likelihood that I'm going to have a reduction. I don't think the evidence, even given my medical issues, is compelling enough to change my mind on this. So maybe it's just not all that relevant that no one has tried to address the risks, and maybe I should stop being all uppity about that point, since it may just be completely irrelevant. I don't feel uncomfortable with the care this practice would give me should I choose not to reduce. Maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I hear that happens when you're pregnant. Could it be that this is just another of a myriad of pregnancy symptoms?

And is it really true? Am I seriously pregnant? With triplets???????? How could this be!? When will I wake up?

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I’m still here. Still pregnant. Still triplets. I saw the perinatologist on Monday, but then had to hurry up and get finished with all the details before Passover started, so I couldn’t post. Anywhozit, my husband was able to be at this appointment with me, which is a good thing, and we had a long, detailed ultrasound done, so there was lots to see. There are still three. Three heartbeats measuring 171, 171, and 168 beats per minute. On the day of the appointment, I was 8weeks, 5 days. Baby A was measuring 8 weeks, 5 days. Baby B measured 8 weeks 4 days. And Baby C measured 8 weeks, 2 days.

The perinatologist was obviously hugely in favor of reduction, but failed to give me any compelling reasons why it should be my primary option. While she gave me the general information about how twins are lower risk than triplets, I didn’t hear anything truly compelling… no specifics. She admitted that the triplets they deliver do very well. She certainly didn’t suggest that reduction was my only option, but she did say that it was probably my BEST option for a positive outcome. Still, when pressed about specific medical concerns, she didn’t have a lot to say.

She did, however, suggest that the bleeding that I was experiencing (oh, hey, it seems to have stopped!) was probably completely normal. She says she sees a lot more bleeding with higher order multiples and it’s probably because there’s so much placenta-action going on. This makes sense to me. She said that the cramping I’ve been having is probably actually a good sign, because it’s probably just normal pregnancy cramping resulting from the placentas embedding in the uterine wall, but of course the cramping is three times as great as it would be with a singleton, but that’s completely fine.

What she recommended we do is the Nuchal Translucency Screening and go from there. If the Nuchal Fold comes back looking fishy, we can do a CVS and then make a decision about reduction. She recommended that I go ahead and schedule the reduction and I can always cancel it if I change my mind, so it’s scheduled, but I don’t expect to keep that appointment. Nuchal fold is 4/20, reduction (likely to cancel) is 4/27. I seriously doubt that the nuchal fold scan will show anything compelling enough to suggest to me that reduction is worth considering. Reduction comes along with its own risks and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Halachically, I probably do have grounds to pursue reduction within the bounds of Jewish law, but I don’t feel sufficiently compelled personally to consider it yet.

And that’s that. I have bunches of ultrasound pictures, but I’m rather lazy right now. Maybe I’ll take care of it later. I’ve been offline for a couple days, but hopefully will catch up with all of your blogs soon. Not tonight though, it’s my bedtime. Past my bedtime, actually.

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I'm still here. Still pregnant. Still triplets. I saw the perinatologist on Monday, but then had to hurry up and get finished with all the details before Passover started, so I couldn't post. Anywhozit, my husband was able to be at this appointment with me, which is a good thing, and we had a long, detailed ultrasound done, so there was lots to see. There are still three. Three heartbeats measuring 171, 171, and 168 beats per minute. On the day of the appointment, I was 8weeks, 5 days. Baby A was measuring 8 weeks, 5 days. Baby B measured 8 weeks 4 days. And Baby C measured 8 weeks, 2 days.

The perinatologist was obviously hugely in favor of reduction, but failed to give me any compelling reasons why it should be my primary option. While she gave me the general information about how twins are lower risk than triplets, I didn't hear anything truly compelling… no specifics. She admitted that the triplets they deliver do very well. She certainly didn't suggest that reduction was my only option, but she did say that it was probably my BEST option for a positive outcome. Still, when pressed about specific medical concerns, she didn't have a lot to say.

She did, however, suggest that the bleeding that I was experiencing (oh, hey, it seems to have stopped!) was probably completely normal. She says she sees a lot more bleeding with higher order multiples and it's probably because there's so much placenta-action going on. This makes sense to me. She said that the cramping I've been having is probably actually a good sign, because it's probably just normal pregnancy cramping resulting from the placentas embedding in the uterine wall, but of course the cramping is three times as great as it would be with a singleton, but that's completely fine.

What she recommended we do is the Nuchal Translucency Screening and go from there. If the Nuchal Fold comes back looking fishy, we can do a CVS and then make a decision about reduction. She recommended that I go ahead and schedule the reduction and I can always cancel it if I change my mind, so it's scheduled, but I don't expect to keep that appointment. Nuchal fold is 4/20, reduction (likely to cancel) is 4/27. I seriously doubt that the nuchal fold scan will show anything compelling enough to suggest to me that reduction is worth considering. Reduction comes along with its own risks and I'm not sure it's worth it. Halachically, I probably do have grounds to pursue reduction within the bounds of Jewish law, but I don't feel sufficiently compelled personally to consider it yet.

And that's that. I have bunches of ultrasound pictures, but I'm rather lazy right now. Maybe I'll take care of it later. I've been offline for a couple days, but hopefully will catch up with all of your blogs soon. Not tonight though, it's my bedtime. Past my bedtime, actually.

Read Full Post »

I was a bit unfair in my recent FAQ post. I posted all the snarky questions (some of which I’m sure weren’t intended in a snarky way, but I’m all hyper-sensitive right now, so there you have it), but I gave absolutely no credit to the overwhelming support that I’ve received from much of the infertility blogging world. My friends inside the computer are the best people on the planet.

Mel has been especially helpful, as has Marie-Baguette. I’ve gotten amazingly supportive comments and emails from most of you. Kirby offered to help in anyway possible, even if it meant driving down to Baltimore to meet me. December Baby cracks me up with her comments. Thalia, who has enough to worry about on her own already, has given me some much needed support. Vanessa who is dealing with her own shock at the moment, has still popped in to send me her thoughts. Countless others have popped in out of the woodwork to check in and see how things are going. I wish I could name every single one of you, because honestly, all of you who comment on this blog are awesome. You’re articulate, supportive, thoughtful, understanding, and unbelievably wonderful. If I didn’t single you out, it’s not because you’re not awesome, it’s because my hands are starting to hurt from all the typing. You all rock my world.

So you see, it really was unfair of me to focus only on the snarky and to ignore all the love and support I’ve gotten. Still, I think it’s telling that at the time what stuck with me was the snarky stuff. I think it’s because I was carrying around a lot of guilt. By all rights, I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled beyond thrilled to have hit the infertility lottery. In a lot of ways I am. But it would be lying if I ignored the fact that I’m still utterly terrified. I’ve now got three strong beating hearts inside of me. That’s a lot of responsibility. I don’t know how we’re going to handle it financially, emotionally, or physically. I don’t know where we’re going to squeeze them into our house. I can’t figure out how on earth to deal with something as simple as childcare, because no matter how expensive childcare will be, it will still be less than my salary, so we can’t afford for me not to work. Who wants to take care of triplets? Can you imagine?

And then I remember that I’m getting ahead of myself. I remember my friend who got pregnant a week after I did last summer, only she was pregnant with triplets. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Two weeks later, when she was 13 weeks, she lost two of hers and she’s due with a singleton next month. Am I ever going to be able to breathe in this pregnancy? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever stop wondering if walking up that flight of stairs will mean the demise of my future children? Will I ever make it out of the house again? Will I be able to push a triple stroller? How will we deal with the hospital bill? How much of it will insurance cover?

Will we lose our foster son? Will a court side with his mother, who hasn’t seen him in 11 months and 4 days, if we end up with triplets? Will they assume that we’re now too busy to love our gorgeous boy? I can’t imagine life without J. He was supposed to be with us for a year and then either go back to his mother or be adopted by us. Two and a half years later, nothing has changed. I am his mother. I am the one who stays up late with him. I am the one who worries about what he’s eating. I am the one who comforts him when he throws up (admittedly, S is the one who actually cleans up the vomit, because, well, ew!). I am the one who feeds him and hugs him and tucks him in and sings to him and wakes up with him poking me. (None of this is meant to take away from the astounding amount that S does… S is a much better parent than I am) But what if we have triplets and some judge decides we simply can’t take care of three infants plus J?

It sounds, in my blog, as though I’m walking around in a constant state of terror, but I’m not. This is where I go to vent it all out, but generally, I’m okay. I take a lot of deep breaths. I’m eating a lot of saltines (because seriously? It’s what I can keep down now). I’m looking at each step individually. This is how I stay sane-ish.

Next steps:
4/2: Appointment with Perinatologist
4/3-4/10: Pesach, so can’t think too much about the triplet factor anyway.
4/12: Appointment with my OB

Probably we’ll tell our mothers about this here pregnancy by the end of April. I begrudgingly admit, I probably can’t avoid mentioning the triplet part. When we thought we were having twins, S and I had agreed not to tell anyone but my father that there was more than one. But with triplets, I doubt we can avoid mentioning it. It’s okay. I just don’t want to tell anyone too soon. My father knows because I needed parental advice the day I found out there were three and he’s great at objective advice even in completely screwy circumstances.

But see… the last time I was pregnant, I told my mother immediately, because we thought it wasn’t real… we thought I was miscarrying. And so I missed her mother’s funeral because my doctor didn’t want me getting on a plane that week. So I had to tell her. And I was pregnant for three whole months. I was well past the scary part. I was well past the point of worrying whether I would make it all the way to April. No one expected me to miscarry. No one. But when I called my mom from the hospital to tell her what had happened, she sighed and said, “Oh sweetie, I thought that might happen.” Nothing could have made me angrier at that moment. Nothing. She knew nothing of the kind. The doctors were shocked! We were all shocked! But she’s got to act like she knew all along, which is crap. I had a perfectly perfect ultrasound of a healthy baby five days before. There is no way she “knew” or “thought” it might happen. And if she was sitting around worried it might happen, then she was projecting her own BS onto me, which is so not okay. (My mother had at least 8 miscarriages, most of which were very early, one of which was around three months…. very sad, yes, but also no reason to believe I’ll have the same experience… my mother had NO problem GETTING pregnant, only a problem STAYING pregnant. Our circumstances are very different) I just can’t bear to have her saying something stupid like that again if something should happen to this pregnancy. And that’s why I can’t tell her. She won’t even know she’s being hurtful. That’s the worst part.

Two other irritating things and then I’ll wrap up this embarrassingly long post. If you make it to the end, I’ll give you a cookie. But you’ll have to come get it.

The two things that really piss me off when people say them are these:
1. Well, at least you’ll be done having kids after triplets!
2. Oh my gosh, triplets… are they natural/spontaneous/fertility-induced?

Let’s start with #1: Maybe I won’t be done! Maybe I didn’t want to have just one pregnancy and poof! be done! Maybe I want a dozen kids (I don’t, but still, I could!). Maybe I don’t want to think about the fact that I’ll be done after that, long before I’d planned on being done. Maybe I don’t want to be reminded that I won’t get to see my seven-year old interact with my 2 year old interacting with my newborn, like some women get to see. Maybe I don’t know whether all three will even make it and then maybe I’ll be even less likely to be done with the whole shebang. Maybe it’s cruel to act like this is something that can be brushed off like that.

And number 2. Boy that one ticks me off badly. First of all, ALL children are natural. And who the hell cares if they’re fertility-induced or spontaneous? Does it really make a difference? Is it really any of your business? Worse is the implication that if they were fertility-induced it was my own, irresponsible fault, but if they were spontaneous, well, they’re a gift from God and how beautiful that I got such a surprise!

I swear I’m not this cranky in real life. You don’t have to believe me, but I really am a rather pleasant person in real life. Anywhozit, enough whining. Thank you all for being awesome.

Read Full Post »

I was a bit unfair in my recent FAQ post. I posted all the snarky questions (some of which I'm sure weren't intended in a snarky way, but I'm all hyper-sensitive right now, so there you have it), but I gave absolutely no credit to the overwhelming support that I've received from much of the infertility blogging world. My friends inside the computer are the best people on the planet.

Mel has been especially helpful, as has Marie-Baguette. I've gotten amazingly supportive comments and emails from most of you. Kirby offered to help in anyway possible, even if it meant driving down to Baltimore to meet me. December Baby cracks me up with her comments. Thalia, who has enough to worry about on her own already, has given me some much needed support. Vanessa who is dealing with her own shock at the moment, has still popped in to send me her thoughts. Countless others have popped in out of the woodwork to check in and see how things are going. I wish I could name every single one of you, because honestly, all of you who comment on this blog are awesome. You're articulate, supportive, thoughtful, understanding, and unbelievably wonderful. If I didn't single you out, it's not because you're not awesome, it's because my hands are starting to hurt from all the typing. You all rock my world.

So you see, it really was unfair of me to focus only on the snarky and to ignore all the love and support I've gotten. Still, I think it's telling that at the time what stuck with me was the snarky stuff. I think it's because I was carrying around a lot of guilt. By all rights, I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled beyond thrilled to have hit the infertility lottery. In a lot of ways I am. But it would be lying if I ignored the fact that I'm still utterly terrified. I've now got three strong beating hearts inside of me. That's a lot of responsibility. I don't know how we're going to handle it financially, emotionally, or physically. I don't know where we're going to squeeze them into our house. I can't figure out how on earth to deal with something as simple as childcare, because no matter how expensive childcare will be, it will still be less than my salary, so we can't afford for me not to work. Who wants to take care of triplets? Can you imagine?

And then I remember that I'm getting ahead of myself. I remember my friend who got pregnant a week after I did last summer, only she was pregnant with triplets. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Two weeks later, when she was 13 weeks, she lost two of hers and she's due with a singleton next month. Am I ever going to be able to breathe in this pregnancy? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever stop wondering if walking up that flight of stairs will mean the demise of my future children? Will I ever make it out of the house again? Will I be able to push a triple stroller? How will we deal with the hospital bill? How much of it will insurance cover?

Will we lose our foster son? Will a court side with his mother, who hasn't seen him in 11 months and 4 days, if we end up with triplets? Will they assume that we're now too busy to love our gorgeous boy? I can't imagine life without J. He was supposed to be with us for a year and then either go back to his mother or be adopted by us. Two and a half years later, nothing has changed. I am his mother. I am the one who stays up late with him. I am the one who worries about what he's eating. I am the one who comforts him when he throws up (admittedly, S is the one who actually cleans up the vomit, because, well, ew!). I am the one who feeds him and hugs him and tucks him in and sings to him and wakes up with him poking me. (None of this is meant to take away from the astounding amount that S does… S is a much better parent than I am) But what if we have triplets and some judge decides we simply can't take care of three infants plus J?

It sounds, in my blog, as though I'm walking around in a constant state of terror, but I'm not. This is where I go to vent it all out, but generally, I'm okay. I take a lot of deep breaths. I'm eating a lot of saltines (because seriously? It's what I can keep down now). I'm looking at each step individually. This is how I stay sane-ish.

Next steps:
4/2: Appointment with Perinatologist
4/3-4/10: Pesach, so can't think too much about the triplet factor anyway.
4/12: Appointment with my OB

Probably we'll tell our mothers about this here pregnancy by the end of April. I begrudgingly admit, I probably can't avoid mentioning the triplet part. When we thought we were having twins, S and I had agreed not to tell anyone but my father that there was more than one. But with triplets, I doubt we can avoid mentioning it. It's okay. I just don't want to tell anyone too soon. My father knows because I needed parental advice the day I found out there were three and he's great at objective advice even in completely screwy circumstances.

But see… the last time I was pregnant, I told my mother immediately, because we thought it wasn't real… we thought I was miscarrying. And so I missed her mother's funeral because my doctor didn't want me getting on a plane that week. So I had to tell her. And I was pregnant for three whole months. I was well past the scary part. I was well past the point of worrying whether I would make it all the way to April. No one expected me to miscarry. No one. But when I called my mom from the hospital to tell her what had happened, she sighed and said, "Oh sweetie, I thought that might happen." Nothing could have made me angrier at that moment. Nothing. She knew nothing of the kind. The doctors were shocked! We were all shocked! But she's got to act like she knew all along, which is crap. I had a perfectly perfect ultrasound of a healthy baby five days before. There is no way she "knew" or "thought" it might happen. And if she was sitting around worried it might happen, then she was projecting her own BS onto me, which is so not okay. (My mother had at least 8 miscarriages, most of which were very early, one of which was around three months…. very sad, yes, but also no reason to believe I'll have the same experience… my mother had NO problem GETTING pregnant, only a problem STAYING pregnant. Our circumstances are very different) I just can't bear to have her saying something stupid like that again if something should happen to this pregnancy. And that's why I can't tell her. She won't even know she's being hurtful. That's the worst part.

Two other irritating things and then I'll wrap up this embarrassingly long post. If you make it to the end, I'll give you a cookie. But you'll have to come get it.

The two things that really piss me off when people say them are these:
1. Well, at least you'll be done having kids after triplets!
2. Oh my gosh, triplets… are they natural/spontaneous/fertility-induced?

Let's start with #1: Maybe I won't be done! Maybe I didn't want to have just one pregnancy and poof! be done! Maybe I want a dozen kids (I don't, but still, I could!). Maybe I don't want to think about the fact that I'll be done after that, long before I'd planned on being done. Maybe I don't want to be reminded that I won't get to see my seven-year old interact with my 2 year old interacting with my newborn, like some women get to see. Maybe I don't know whether all three will even make it and then maybe I'll be even less likely to be done with the whole shebang. Maybe it's cruel to act like this is something that can be brushed off like that.

And number 2. Boy that one ticks me off badly. First of all, ALL children are natural. And who the hell cares if they're fertility-induced or spontaneous? Does it really make a difference? Is it really any of your business? Worse is the implication that if they were fertility-induced it was my own, irresponsible fault, but if they were spontaneous, well, they're a gift from God and how beautiful that I got such a surprise!

I swear I'm not this cranky in real life. You don't have to believe me, but I really am a rather pleasant person in real life. Anywhozit, enough whining. Thank you all for being awesome.

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