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Archive for July, 2009

Protected: Fine Tuning

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Last week, I met up with a bunch of Stirrup Queens (Mel, LJ, Murgdan, Barren, N, J… am I missing anyone?) for ice cream.  Since it fell on a Thursday, my typical day to get to see Barren, but also a day when I was feeling particularly antisocial, the lovely Ms. Barren convinced me that it would be good for me to get out and go hang out with these lovely ladies for the evening.  So hang out I did, and she was right, I had a lovely time, as I knew I would, antisocial status and all.  (Nothing against anyone else – I just get into my little funks and I have a hard time getting out of them and when I’m there, I get antisocial – don’t take it personally).

But after we finished ice cream and we were disbanding, I told Barren I’d drive her home (it’s not entirely altruistic, mind you, it’s a selfish way to get to spend quality 1-on-1 time with her, but don’t tell her that!  It can be our little secret, okay?).  But first she had to run over to the bookstore with me to pick up a book that my therapist wanted me to read called: Stop Walking on Eggshells which was located in the section on “Personality Disorders.”

While perusing the shelves in search of my book, I stopped short, because this is what we saw:

Infertility Personality Disorders

What I found particularly humorous was that there wasn’t just one fertility book there – that could have just been a filing error (but, um, hello?  That’s one HECK of a filing error!) – but there were two!  The Fertility Diet AND Taking Charge of Your Fertility!  (Now, admittedly, I so despise TCOYF that I think it kind of does belong in the “personality disorders” section… or at least maybe I belonged in the personality disorders section after having read it, but I’m sure that was a bit of an overreaction on my part. )

Well, I always knew we were a little bit crazy.  It’s all those hormones.  Or maybe just the waiting.  Or the stupid things people say to us.  Yes, I think it’s that last one.  Like, “Just relax” or “if you just stop thinking about it or adopt, you’ll get pregnant.”  Or “Have you tried propping your hips up?”

Yes, those things would give anyone a little bit of a personality disorder, don’t you think?

 

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Now that I’m all set up in my new home, I guess I ought to mention…

Ask and ye shall receive, I suppose.  All that whinging I did about my absent period must have done me some good, because it did arrive, and I have started my BCPs.  There won’t be any other suppression with this cycle, so I’ll just be going in for monitoring on August 11th, and starting stims on August 14th.  Currently, the projection is that retrieval will be August 25th and transfer will be sometime August 28-30th.  Retrieval and transfer dates are highly hypothetical at this point, of course.  Who knows if we’ll even get that far.

If we do get that far, I’m betting on a Day 3 transfer.  No bets on whether it’ll be a 1 or 2 embryo transfer – that’ll depend on embryo quality and whether the antagonist protocol changes anything in that department (I’m not counting on improved embryo quality).

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My new home

Okey dokey.  I think I’m all set up in my new home.   If you don’t have the password to my protected posts, email me.  I haven’t had time to put up a real post here – but I wanted to let everyone know that I’m still here and I do intend to keep posting.  Thanks everyone for hanging in there with me.

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A comment today on this post reminded me that there’s a bright side to being at the last resort after all. I mean, the last resort is Ganirelix. Which means? No Lupron.

Admittedly, I don’t know a lot of women who’ve done an antagonist protocol, and even fewer women who have done a Lupron protocol followed by an antagonist protocol (most women I know who’ve done ganirelix have simply started out there), so truthfully, I don’t really know how the side effects are going to compare. Maybe they’ll still suck. But I’m guessing that I’m not going to be describing headaches that slice through my head like a piece of broken glass. I mean, that was pretty graphic and gruesome, wasn’t it? Ick!

It’s bound to be better than that, right?

Admittedly, starting the Ganirelix protocol requires me getting my period at some point. And my dear, sweet period is still MIA, which, I must say, is definitely not amusing.

Honestly, there simply *must* be something interesting to say about waiting, but there just… isn’t.

Hey, so, have any of you out there used Ganirelix? More importantly, have any of you who have used Ganirelix also used Lupron in the past? How do they compare (specifically with regards to side effects)? I’m thinking of posting this question to the LFCA in my copious spare time, but, um, you all know about me and my copious spare time. I’ve got so little copious spare time that I haven’t even managed to put one of those handy dandy little buttons in my sidebar that says “post my news in the LFCA” which would make it super easy to just go and do it now, wouldn’t it? And in the space of time it took me to type this little paragraph about how I don’t have time to go post this in the LFCA, I could have popped it into Mel’s google spreadsheet. Or picked up the phone and called Mel and told her I’m too lazy to post it in the LFCA and could she please do it for me? But no. I’m not as industrious as Mel. I, as they say, am lazy.

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I took Provera over a week and a half ago for five days and… nothing. Well, nothing except some really visciously bad PMDD-like symptoms. And now I wait.

At the end of this week, in all likelihood, I’ll call Ye Olde Fertility Clinic back and ask WTF is going on and they’ll tell me to come in for bloodwork (you know, to make sure I’m not pregnant – don’t worry, I’ve already POAS’d to make sure, and well, I’m not… duh). And after the bloodwork I imagine they’ll give me more Provera. Which theoretically will induce a period, at which point I can start BCPs.

And if it doesn’t induce a period… well… I don’t know what then.

And I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of the schedule changing. I’m tired of recalculating when stims might start and, consequently, when my hypothetical retrieval and transfer could be. I’m tired of thinking things like, “Well, as long as we start by X day, it shouldn’t interfere with Rosh Hashana.” For heaven’s sake we had an extra month’s lead time to avoid the High Holidays! This was not supposed to be a problem this time. You know, just like Passover wasn’t supposed to be a problem. Or Shavuos. Or, you know, Shabbos last cycle.

I get it. I get that I’m not in control. I don’t need to be reminded of it at every turn.

As I wrote to a friend this morning I’m having a hard time looking forward with a lot of optimism…

“Even SuperDoc doesn’t seem particularly optimistic about this upcoming IVF cycle. It’s pretty disheartening when the doctor is the one that isn’t super optimistic.

He said if I’d asked him in January what he thought my odds would be going into my fourth initiated cycle (which is essentially where I am right now by HIS count… my count is a little different, but I know where he gets his number)… he said he would have given me about 80% odds of a successful pregnancy back then. But now that he’s seen the outcome – two failed cycles, and one canceled due to low response (he’s not counting the one that didn’t get to stims)… he doesn’t have that kind of optimism. He said he’d maybe give me about 30% odds on this cycle.

He said, “I definitely think we’ll learn a lot from this cycle, and it’s going to be key to your ultimate success.”

I paused, took a deep breath, and thought about the implications of that statement.

And he said, “I mean, of course hopefully you’ll just be pregnant at the end of this cycle…”

Right.

I’m not trying to be a negative nelly about it – I just… with the IUI cycles even though I technically had more at stake (having never had a successful pregnancy before), none of my negative cycles hit me the way these do. These cycles? No matter how much I prepare myself for the failures, no matter how much SuperDoc himself prepares me for them to fail? They’re devastating. Even though I have four beautiful children at home. Maybe because of it.”

I admit, I much prefer his honesty to meaningless platitudes. I don’t want to hear him just blindly say, “I know this is the one” without scientific basis for saying so. But I admit I’m growing weary. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the patient that keeps going despite a doctor who secretly thinks there’s really no point. I don’t think I’m there yet. But … will I be there soon?

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