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Sour-puss no more?

Posted in triplets? on May 10, 2007| 10 Comments »

I still feel like hell, but I feel badly for being so negative earlier today. I was in a whole lot of pain. I still am, but at least I’ve had all day to get used to it at this point. Also, I now have heartburn, which goes really well with the nausea. Seriously. At least Tums have calcium. I need calcium, right? Does a body good and all that? (considering I’m lactose intolerant and too many green-leafies can exacerbate kidney stones and every time I’ve taken a calcium supplement regularly I’ve gotten kidney stones more regularly than usual… I can definitely use extra calcium occasionally)

Anywhozit, I totally know that this is all going to be worth it. I didn’t expect it to be easy, and I knew that when I made a conscious decision to carry all three. I know I will love my babies no matter what it takes to get far enough to meet them. I’m very excited about the pregnancy, and it’s neat to see things changing. I wish I were a little more awake and in a little less pain so I could marvel a bit more at how my life is already evolving, but it’s okay. I also wish I had the energy to get my house ORGANIZED. (It’s not terrible now, but it’s not ready for triplets, that’s for sure)

Someone asked if I’m ever going to post a picture of my, uh, “progress”. Presumably meaning my ever-expanding belly. The answer is it’s not likely. I mean, if I’d been as teeney as Suz (who is pregnant with QUADS!) when this all started, I’d have belly shots all over the place by now. But you know. I’m all self-conscious about photos. So I expect at some point I’ll take one, but not for a while. And who knows if it’ll get posted. I guess I’m afraid that it’s just in my head that I look pregnant. (I do, though, seriously, this belly out in front of me is just not natural!) I’m afraid I’ll see a picture and realize that it’s really just that I’m fat, which is hysterical, because I’m down 30 pounds from last summer (I lost 19 in my last pregnancy, gained a couple back after the miscarriage, and lost another 15 at the start of this pregnancy and haven’t gained an ounce since), so I should be thinking how great I look!

I am stupid so I watched some show on the Discovery Health channel about babies. All these high-risk pregnancy delivery. What in heaven’s name was I thinking?? AM I CRAZY? I didn’t think anything of it, because I’m just not usually affected by people’s horror stories. And it wasn’t the things that went wrong that scared me. But I realized that all those women who delivered their babies via c-section… especially the ones that were 36 weekers (which I won’t make it to)… none of them got to hold their babies. Not one of them. I mean, it was for good reason. The babies needed immediate care, rather than cuddling by mama, but… I mean… None of them got to hold their babies.

Honestly, not getting to hold my baby when I deliver isn’t the worst thing on the planet, as long as they’re as healthy as can be expected or hoped for. What’s worse is these dreams I’ve been having. I haven’t told you about the dreams because I feel like a big baby for even having them. But I keep having very vivid dreams that they’ve all died. Sometimes it’s that they’ve died before I get to my next doctor’s appointment (on the 17th… can’t come soon enough at this point). Sometimes it’s that they die right before delivery. The worst is when I dream they deliver, but die within a few days. How horrible am I? Every night for a week or so, this is what I’ve been dreaming. I had a teacher in high school who was pregnant with triplets and lost one about mid-way through her pregnancy while she was on hospital bedrest. Her twins are healthy and beautiful and Seniors in High School now (holy cow, I’m old), but I can only imagine the loss she must have felt (perhaps still feels). I think of her often.

Gah. I was supposed to stop being negative. But actually, somehow even the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) don’t feel so negative to me. Because you know… it means that I’m rather attached to my tiny little parasites, and I can’t imagine that attachment is a bad thing. Even if it intensifies my fear. Deep down, I really believe everything’s going to be okay. Deep down I really believe they’ll be here in September. Deep down, I know that no matter what happens, we’ll work through it. That’s progress.

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Defeat (mostly complaining… you might want to skip this one!)

Posted in one of those really cranky days, triplets? on May 10, 2007| 7 Comments »

Today was the first day in which I went to work but just couldn’t make it through the day. My husband took one look at me this morning and said, “so you’re staying home?” No, I had too much work to do. So off I went. I didn’t finish that work, though I did bring it home. I have no idea if I’ll accomplish any of it from home. I pushed myself too far with the work that I did accomplish, and deadlines be damned, I just can’t do it right now.

The nausea, which had abated for a week or so, is back in full force. I’m in pain just about everywhere, which makes me cranky and generally yucky feeling. I think I might have (another) UTI (what is WITH this??). And I have this pulsating pain in my lower left flank and every time it flares (about once every 2 minutes) I feel like I’m going to be violently ill for a few seconds before it passes. It’s completely stupid. I feel far too whiny and annoying and I hate it when I’m like this. I know that this miracle of a pregnancy is something to be embraced and enjoyed and I really want to do that. But I want to cry more than I want to embrace anything.

I am now unmistakeably pregnant looking, which makes me happier than I thought it would. Finally I don’t just look like I need to lay off the Ben and Jerry’s (ironically, I really don’t eat much ice cream because it makes me ill). It’s getting hard for me to move around, but at least now people can look at me and see that I’m pregnant and understand why it takes me 10 minutes to walk down the hall.

Despite all the ickiness, I mostly still don’t *feel* pregnant. I still feel like an imposter. I keep thinking someone is going to find me out and realize that I don’t actually belong in the pregnant-person-club. I wonder if that will change once I can feel the babies moving. I’m 14 weeks, 1 day and still in awe that I’ve made it this far, but terrified when I realize how much further I have to make it for this to work.

Oh heck, seriously? This post is so darned negative it’s pissing ME off and it’s MY post! Grr.

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Sour-puss no more?

Posted in triplets? on May 10, 2007| 10 Comments »

I still feel like hell, but I feel badly for being so negative earlier today. I was in a whole lot of pain. I still am, but at least I've had all day to get used to it at this point. Also, I now have heartburn, which goes really well with the nausea. Seriously. At least Tums have calcium. I need calcium, right? Does a body good and all that? (considering I'm lactose intolerant and too many green-leafies can exacerbate kidney stones and every time I've taken a calcium supplement regularly I've gotten kidney stones more regularly than usual… I can definitely use extra calcium occasionally)

Anywhozit, I totally know that this is all going to be worth it. I didn't expect it to be easy, and I knew that when I made a conscious decision to carry all three. I know I will love my babies no matter what it takes to get far enough to meet them. I'm very excited about the pregnancy, and it's neat to see things changing. I wish I were a little more awake and in a little less pain so I could marvel a bit more at how my life is already evolving, but it's okay. I also wish I had the energy to get my house ORGANIZED. (It's not terrible now, but it's not ready for triplets, that's for sure)

Someone asked if I'm ever going to post a picture of my, uh, "progress". Presumably meaning my ever-expanding belly. The answer is it's not likely. I mean, if I'd been as teeney as Suz (who is pregnant with QUADS!) when this all started, I'd have belly shots all over the place by now. But you know. I'm all self-conscious about photos. So I expect at some point I'll take one, but not for a while. And who knows if it'll get posted. I guess I'm afraid that it's just in my head that I look pregnant. (I do, though, seriously, this belly out in front of me is just not natural!) I'm afraid I'll see a picture and realize that it's really just that I'm fat, which is hysterical, because I'm down 30 pounds from last summer (I lost 19 in my last pregnancy, gained a couple back after the miscarriage, and lost another 15 at the start of this pregnancy and haven't gained an ounce since), so I should be thinking how great I look!

I am stupid so I watched some show on the Discovery Health channel about babies. All these high-risk pregnancy delivery. What in heaven's name was I thinking?? AM I CRAZY? I didn't think anything of it, because I'm just not usually affected by people's horror stories. And it wasn't the things that went wrong that scared me. But I realized that all those women who delivered their babies via c-section… especially the ones that were 36 weekers (which I won't make it to)… none of them got to hold their babies. Not one of them. I mean, it was for good reason. The babies needed immediate care, rather than cuddling by mama, but… I mean… None of them got to hold their babies.

Honestly, not getting to hold my baby when I deliver isn't the worst thing on the planet, as long as they're as healthy as can be expected or hoped for. What's worse is these dreams I've been having. I haven't told you about the dreams because I feel like a big baby for even having them. But I keep having very vivid dreams that they've all died. Sometimes it's that they've died before I get to my next doctor's appointment (on the 17th… can't come soon enough at this point). Sometimes it's that they die right before delivery. The worst is when I dream they deliver, but die within a few days. How horrible am I? Every night for a week or so, this is what I've been dreaming. I had a teacher in high school who was pregnant with triplets and lost one about mid-way through her pregnancy while she was on hospital bedrest. Her twins are healthy and beautiful and Seniors in High School now (holy cow, I'm old), but I can only imagine the loss she must have felt (perhaps still feels). I think of her often.

Gah. I was supposed to stop being negative. But actually, somehow even the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) don't feel so negative to me. Because you know… it means that I'm rather attached to my tiny little parasites, and I can't imagine that attachment is a bad thing. Even if it intensifies my fear. Deep down, I really believe everything's going to be okay. Deep down I really believe they'll be here in September. Deep down, I know that no matter what happens, we'll work through it. That's progress.

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Defeat (mostly complaining… you might want to skip this one!)

Posted in one of those really cranky days, triplets? on May 10, 2007| 8 Comments »

Today was the first day in which I went to work but just couldn't make it through the day. My husband took one look at me this morning and said, "so you're staying home?" No, I had too much work to do. So off I went. I didn't finish that work, though I did bring it home. I have no idea if I'll accomplish any of it from home. I pushed myself too far with the work that I did accomplish, and deadlines be damned, I just can't do it right now.

The nausea, which had abated for a week or so, is back in full force. I'm in pain just about everywhere, which makes me cranky and generally yucky feeling. I think I might have (another) UTI (what is WITH this??). And I have this pulsating pain in my lower left flank and every time it flares (about once every 2 minutes) I feel like I'm going to be violently ill for a few seconds before it passes. It's completely stupid. I feel far too whiny and annoying and I hate it when I'm like this. I know that this miracle of a pregnancy is something to be embraced and enjoyed and I really want to do that. But I want to cry more than I want to embrace anything.

I am now unmistakeably pregnant looking, which makes me happier than I thought it would. Finally I don't just look like I need to lay off the Ben and Jerry's (ironically, I really don't eat much ice cream because it makes me ill). It's getting hard for me to move around, but at least now people can look at me and see that I'm pregnant and understand why it takes me 10 minutes to walk down the hall.

Despite all the ickiness, I mostly still don't *feel* pregnant. I still feel like an imposter. I keep thinking someone is going to find me out and realize that I don't actually belong in the pregnant-person-club. I wonder if that will change once I can feel the babies moving. I'm 14 weeks, 1 day and still in awe that I've made it this far, but terrified when I realize how much further I have to make it for this to work.

Oh heck, seriously? This post is so darned negative it's pissing ME off and it's MY post! Grr.

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Sour-puss no more?

Posted in triplets? on May 10, 2007| 6 Comments »

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Can’t Sleep

Posted in doctor dilemma, triplets? on May 8, 2007| 11 Comments »

I had a tremendous migraine all day and it only got worse toward the end of the day. Having a dentist appointment probably didn’t help matters. Now I’m in slightly less pain, but can’t sleep, as is often the case after a long migraine day. I think that the migraines are actually getting worse, which is almost hard to believe. Suzanne also reminded me that I never updated you all on the other lovely pain in my life… the kidney stone. Well, it seems to be gone. I think I passed it last Sunday and on Tuesday I had a renal ultrasound and all was clear, which is good. Frankly, I’d rather have a couple more kidney stones than these ever-pervasive migraines at this point. Bleh.

Anywho, enough complaining. Last Thursday, of course, was the nuchal scan that I’ve already updated about. On Friday I saw my regular OB. These appointments are rather useless as I basically go in, he asks how I’m feeling, I say I feel like hell, he listens for one of the heartbeats (hard to differentiate on doppler), and that’s about it. I broached the subject that perhaps it made sense to transfer my care for this pregnancy directly to the perinatologist.

Now, I should pause here remind you that this was NOT my initial desire. I love my OB and originally any mention anyone made of leaving him for this pregnancy was met with my icy glare. However, the truth is, it really makes sense to me at this point. The best equipped doctors to handle the ins and outs of a triplet pregnancy are the perinatologists I’m seeing. Having two sets of doctors directing my care, particularly with the perinatologists being the experts but going through the OB to direct critical care decisions, does not seem advantageous to me. The perinatologists (all three in the practice) have all been very, very willing to do whatever I’m comfortable with. They’ve been effusive in their praise of my OB specifically and of the practice as a whole. I’m not concerned about my care, but I do not honestly see any true advantage to having two sets of doctors at this point.

Right. But being that I love my OB and certainly don’t want to alienate him or lose him as my doctor for postpartum care, future pregnancies (hah!), and well-women’s care, I broached the topic very gently. This is in part because I’m sensitive to the fact that I love him, and partly because I completely lack the ability to have any sort of confrontation with a doctor. I’m a wimp, essentially. So I mentioned that Dr P (the evil one, not the wonderful one) had suggested transferring my care, and my OB brushed it off. He didn’t see any need to transfer my care. Oh no, he said, they can totally handle it (and no doubt they can, but still… is there any real ADVANTAGE to having two sets of doctors? Not that I can find!). Since my next appointment with the perinatologist is in two weeks, he suggested coming back to his office two weeks after that, so that we wouldn’t be seeing two doctors in the same week. Except that after this next two-week appointment with the perinatologist, I’ll be seeing the perinatologist EVERY week, so the logic doesn’t hold. But my OB said, no, I don’t need to see them that often. And if they wanted to do cervical measurements every week, well, the OB’s office could handle some of that.

But… but… I don’t WANT two different offices trying to coordinate and compare cervical measurements!! It seems like there are too many ways that can be screwed up. And if the perinatologist tells me to be there every week, I’m going to be there every week, no matter what. I am NOT messing around with this pregnancy! But I’m a wimp, as previously stated. And the OB just seemed so sure of how this should go, and I didn’t want any sort of confrontation, and I love him, so I just said okay and went to the front desk to make my next appointment for four weeks out.

Except I don’t really want to do that. What I want to do is to transfer my care to the perinatologist. But without alienating my OB. I asked a friend who is a doctor (and has five kids of her own… mostly out of the house), and she said I should just transfer my care and tell the OB’s office I’ll be back for my post-partum care. She said there was no reason that should alienate the doctor or the practice, it’s just the way it works. But it feels… underhanded. Sneaky. Deceitful, even. Still, I know I’ll be a lot more comfortable with just one set of doctors to turn to if a problem occurs. Even though I completely 100% trust my OB and I know that he would defer to the perinatologists for any critical care decisions. It still seems convoluted to deal with both sets of doctors.

So… I don’t know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is to transfer my care. I just don’t know how to do it most appropriately and with the least possibility of alienating my OB. Bleh.

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Can’t Sleep

Posted in doctor dilemma, triplets? on May 8, 2007| 16 Comments »

I had a tremendous migraine all day and it only got worse toward the end of the day. Having a dentist appointment probably didn't help matters. Now I'm in slightly less pain, but can't sleep, as is often the case after a long migraine day. I think that the migraines are actually getting worse, which is almost hard to believe. Suzanne also reminded me that I never updated you all on the other lovely pain in my life… the kidney stone. Well, it seems to be gone. I think I passed it last Sunday and on Tuesday I had a renal ultrasound and all was clear, which is good. Frankly, I'd rather have a couple more kidney stones than these ever-pervasive migraines at this point. Bleh.

Anywho, enough complaining. Last Thursday, of course, was the nuchal scan that I've already updated about. On Friday I saw my regular OB. These appointments are rather useless as I basically go in, he asks how I'm feeling, I say I feel like hell, he listens for one of the heartbeats (hard to differentiate on doppler), and that's about it. I broached the subject that perhaps it made sense to transfer my care for this pregnancy directly to the perinatologist.

Now, I should pause here remind you that this was NOT my initial desire. I love my OB and originally any mention anyone made of leaving him for this pregnancy was met with my icy glare. However, the truth is, it really makes sense to me at this point. The best equipped doctors to handle the ins and outs of a triplet pregnancy are the perinatologists I'm seeing. Having two sets of doctors directing my care, particularly with the perinatologists being the experts but going through the OB to direct critical care decisions, does not seem advantageous to me. The perinatologists (all three in the practice) have all been very, very willing to do whatever I'm comfortable with. They've been effusive in their praise of my OB specifically and of the practice as a whole. I'm not concerned about my care, but I do not honestly see any true advantage to having two sets of doctors at this point.

Right. But being that I love my OB and certainly don't want to alienate him or lose him as my doctor for postpartum care, future pregnancies (hah!), and well-women's care, I broached the topic very gently. This is in part because I'm sensitive to the fact that I love him, and partly because I completely lack the ability to have any sort of confrontation with a doctor. I'm a wimp, essentially. So I mentioned that Dr P (the evil one, not the wonderful one) had suggested transferring my care, and my OB brushed it off. He didn't see any need to transfer my care. Oh no, he said, they can totally handle it (and no doubt they can, but still… is there any real ADVANTAGE to having two sets of doctors? Not that I can find!). Since my next appointment with the perinatologist is in two weeks, he suggested coming back to his office two weeks after that, so that we wouldn't be seeing two doctors in the same week. Except that after this next two-week appointment with the perinatologist, I'll be seeing the perinatologist EVERY week, so the logic doesn't hold. But my OB said, no, I don't need to see them that often. And if they wanted to do cervical measurements every week, well, the OB's office could handle some of that.

But… but… I don't WANT two different offices trying to coordinate and compare cervical measurements!! It seems like there are too many ways that can be screwed up. And if the perinatologist tells me to be there every week, I'm going to be there every week, no matter what. I am NOT messing around with this pregnancy! But I'm a wimp, as previously stated. And the OB just seemed so sure of how this should go, and I didn't want any sort of confrontation, and I love him, so I just said okay and went to the front desk to make my next appointment for four weeks out.

Except I don't really want to do that. What I want to do is to transfer my care to the perinatologist. But without alienating my OB. I asked a friend who is a doctor (and has five kids of her own… mostly out of the house), and she said I should just transfer my care and tell the OB's office I'll be back for my post-partum care. She said there was no reason that should alienate the doctor or the practice, it's just the way it works. But it feels… underhanded. Sneaky. Deceitful, even. Still, I know I'll be a lot more comfortable with just one set of doctors to turn to if a problem occurs. Even though I completely 100% trust my OB and I know that he would defer to the perinatologists for any critical care decisions. It still seems convoluted to deal with both sets of doctors.

So… I don't know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is to transfer my care. I just don't know how to do it most appropriately and with the least possibility of alienating my OB. Bleh.

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So far, So good

Posted in nuchal fold, triplets? on May 3, 2007| 19 Comments »

I’m under the wire with a deadline, so no time for much elaboration… but the Nuchal Translucency measurements were perfect. All three hovered at exactly the middle of the range of normal. They are all growing appropriately. Baby C is still the smallest, but is still growing at the same rate, so might just be genetically predisposed to being short (like me!). Baby A still has a placenta previa, the little troublemaker. Baby C didn’t entirely want to cooperate. Those two are definitely related to their father, the difficult little monsters. Baby B was perfect and showed off and got right into position to get a clear NT measurement, gave a little wave, totally cooperated. Obviously, Baby B takes after his mother.

Heartbeats were all great: 151, 157, and 161.

They measured between 12w6d and 13w1d. I’m currently 13w1d, so that’s perfect. Baby C has consistently measured exactly 2 days behind the others, so it’s all good. Since the NT measurements were all perfect and they’re all growing, I opted against the CVS. The Dr. agreed that there weren’t any major red-flags to make him think I should seriously consider the CVS.

I asked whether I was being a big baby about thinking I’m not going to make it to 20 weeks still working and the doctor (Dr. G.) said absolutely not. They prefer that in the absence of objective findings that force bedrest that patients lead the way on what activity level is safe. They would prefer that patients NOT try to “push through” the stress or pain or discomfort. So, if in a couple weeks I feel like I can’t do it anymore, they’ll do whatever they need to to get me set up with the forms I’ll need to go on disability. He did get a little jumpy at the idea of me staying home with a 3 1/2 year old, but I explained that I’d given up on “actually parenting” my children, and that I’m allowing “someone else to raise my children” so he’s in daycare full time, and we wouldn’t pull him out if I were out on bedrest. He breathed a sigh of relief.

There’s probably more, but I’ve got a deadline and a meeting soon. I hope you’re all well!

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So far, So good

Posted in nuchal fold, triplets? on May 3, 2007| 26 Comments »

I'm under the wire with a deadline, so no time for much elaboration… but the Nuchal Translucency measurements were perfect. All three hovered at exactly the middle of the range of normal. They are all growing appropriately. Baby C is still the smallest, but is still growing at the same rate, so might just be genetically predisposed to being short (like me!). Baby A still has a placenta previa, the little troublemaker. Baby C didn't entirely want to cooperate. Those two are definitely related to their father, the difficult little monsters. Baby B was perfect and showed off and got right into position to get a clear NT measurement, gave a little wave, totally cooperated. Obviously, Baby B takes after his mother.

Heartbeats were all great: 151, 157, and 161.

They measured between 12w6d and 13w1d. I'm currently 13w1d, so that's perfect. Baby C has consistently measured exactly 2 days behind the others, so it's all good. Since the NT measurements were all perfect and they're all growing, I opted against the CVS. The Dr. agreed that there weren't any major red-flags to make him think I should seriously consider the CVS.

I asked whether I was being a big baby about thinking I'm not going to make it to 20 weeks still working and the doctor (Dr. G.) said absolutely not. They prefer that in the absence of objective findings that force bedrest that patients lead the way on what activity level is safe. They would prefer that patients NOT try to "push through" the stress or pain or discomfort. So, if in a couple weeks I feel like I can't do it anymore, they'll do whatever they need to to get me set up with the forms I'll need to go on disability. He did get a little jumpy at the idea of me staying home with a 3 1/2 year old, but I explained that I'd given up on "actually parenting" my children, and that I'm allowing "someone else to raise my children" so he's in daycare full time, and we wouldn't pull him out if I were out on bedrest. He breathed a sigh of relief.

There's probably more, but I've got a deadline and a meeting soon. I hope you're all well!

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Anxious

Posted in pregnancy symptoms abound, triplets? on May 2, 2007| 6 Comments »

Tomorrow is the re-try for the nuchal fold scan. It’s been two weeks since my last try (and the babies were only a hair too small then), so there shouldn’t be any problem getting the measurements this time. And I’m really anxious. Most people that I interact with on a regular basis know that I’m pregnant. There’s no hiding it. I’m wearing maternity blouses nearly exclusively right now. The only reason I’m still wearing my regular skirts is that I lost 19 pounds in my last pregnancy and 15 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy, and I’ve only gained back about 2 pounds so far. Anyway, the point is, everyone knows I’m pregnant at this point, for the most part. And if something happens tomorrow… I just don’t want to have to go through “un-telling” anyone.

So I’m nervous. Even though I’m sure everything is fine.

Also, I feel like hell. It’s already hard to breathe if I’m doing anything but lying down. My hips are killing me. I have unbelievably ridiculous cramping (which I’m still deciding not to worry about). My migraines are completely uncontrollable. And I’m a big whiner and I hate whining, so now I’m whining about the fact that I’m being a big, annoying whiner! I’m 13 weeks today and I seriously have no idea how I’m going to manage to work until 19/20 weeks, which is when I was told to expect not to be able to work anymore. I’m just not sure I’m going to make it that far. It’s already so hard for me to sit, stand, walk, whatever. I’m half-considering renting a scooter to get me through a few extra weeks of work, but the rest of me thinks, you know… having another few weeks off of work wouldn’t KILL me…

And, um, that’s all there is to report. Hopefully there will be more after my perinatology appointment tomorrow for the nuchal fold.

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