ChezPerky

Since I’m not monitoring contractions anymore (except mentally) and I’m not checking my blood sugar four times a day, I almost have nothing to say anymore. I have no reason to be awake at regular intervals anymore, so I haven’t been, if I can help it. I feel so crappy that I just sort of lay around drifting in and out of consciousness. That’s only partly true, but it’s what it feels like these days. I’ve lost any sense of structure to my day, and I’m really okay with that. I do still get up every morning and get dressed, which makes me feel somewhat human, but that’s my one nod to actual humanity. The rest of my day is devoid of useful activity, for the most part, which is fine, because I really don’t have the brainpower for much more.

I am less and less able to move about without assistance. Getting out of bed is a chore. Just getting to the bathroom takes serious motivation (but since a really full bladder triggers contractions, that’s usually motivation enough). The babies are all kinds of squirmy, sometimes in fun ways, sometimes in uncomfortable or painful ways. I’m trying to enjoy it, because I know that I’ll miss the fun ways at least once they’re on the outside. I’m not ready for them to come out, but I’m very uncomfortable, so I know once they’re out, I’ll be grateful to have my body at least partially back to myself. I had to increase my terbutaline dose again last week because the contractions were just getting too painful. It’s done the trick for controlling the contractions, but makes my muscles even weaker than they were (this is a common side effect) and makes me a little shaky, so don’t trust me with anything that requires good fine motor skills!

One great milestone of the week was that our soon-to-be-four year old felt the babies kicking for the first time. He got a HUGE grin on his face when he felt it and seemed to really understand what was happening. It was terrific. My husband has also been able to feel them more than usual… normally he gets near them and they suddenly fall asleep. But he’s been able to feel AND see them move more than he had been able to even just a couple weeks ago, which is great. Now at least he doesn’t think I’m just making it all up. It definitely feels different from the outside than from the inside, but I still appreciate that they can share a teeney bit of the experience.

One less positive milestone of the week is that yesterday suddenly my rings were too tight to remove (I did get them off eventually), and my blood pressure shot up. It’s still not alarmingly high by normal person’s standards, but my BP normally runs a bit on the low side, so it’s a pretty huge shift upward for me. The diastolic (the bottom number) was averaging around 90 all day, and seems to be doing the same thing today. One day of high blood pressure is not alarming, so the only thing to do is wait and see if it’s a trend. But I still don’t like it. Swelling in the hands, elevated blood pressure and sudden weight gain (oh, did I forget to mention that I seem to have gained back last week’s four pound loss overnight??) are all signs that point to, well, they’re not great signs, let’s put it that way. So I’m just going to sit around waiting to see if it’s a trend. Because really, I’m so close to the end of this pregnancy, I see no good reason why it SHOULD be a trend. I feel like I should catch a break already.

Oh, and I still have this cold. Which is probably not helping the BP issue. Colds are supposed to run their course in about 7 days. Today is day 8. It is time for it to go now. My throat hurts and it’s hard to breathe (which makes it hard to distinguish whether the terbutaline side effects are problematic or if the cold is annoying). I’m stuffy and gross. Sudafed and other products don’t seem to help. I would like for it to stop now, please. Not far now, my little smurfs. Not far now.

In other news, I sent myself a Pajama Gram for when the babies are born. I decided I was entitled to some nifty nursing pajamas. I had trouble deciding what size to buy, though… My pre-pregnancy size? That’s what I’ve been wearing throughout my pregnancy… for the most part, I haven’t been wearing maternity sizes. So what to do? Well, I went ahead and bought my pre-pregnancy size, on the theory that I’m 99% sure I’m having a c-section, so it can’t hurt to be a little too lose on me, right? Besides, who knows how long it will take for some of this triplet belly to go away. Maybe it won’t ever. Anywhozit, I will soon own some snuggly jammies.

Now what I really want to know is why didn’t my husband ever buy me this super cute Vermont Teddy Bear?? (Besides the fact that I would have strangled him for tempting fate and for putting more clutter in my house?) And furthermore, why does Vermont Teddy Bear sell twin teddy bears, but not triplets? Okay, admittedly, I’m sure if I called them, they’d make it happen, and it’s not terribly surprising that it’s not available as a standard on their website selection. And it’s not like I actually want them, because seriously, what am I going to DO with them? But still. I’m just saying!

And that, I believe, is enough jibber jabbering. I have to go back for my morning nap. I’ve been up for two and a half hours. I think that’s long enough, don’t you?

Since I'm not monitoring contractions anymore (except mentally) and I'm not checking my blood sugar four times a day, I almost have nothing to say anymore. I have no reason to be awake at regular intervals anymore, so I haven't been, if I can help it. I feel so crappy that I just sort of lay around drifting in and out of consciousness. That's only partly true, but it's what it feels like these days. I've lost any sense of structure to my day, and I'm really okay with that. I do still get up every morning and get dressed, which makes me feel somewhat human, but that's my one nod to actual humanity. The rest of my day is devoid of useful activity, for the most part, which is fine, because I really don't have the brainpower for much more.

I am less and less able to move about without assistance. Getting out of bed is a chore. Just getting to the bathroom takes serious motivation (but since a really full bladder triggers contractions, that's usually motivation enough). The babies are all kinds of squirmy, sometimes in fun ways, sometimes in uncomfortable or painful ways. I'm trying to enjoy it, because I know that I'll miss the fun ways at least once they're on the outside. I'm not ready for them to come out, but I'm very uncomfortable, so I know once they're out, I'll be grateful to have my body at least partially back to myself. I had to increase my terbutaline dose again last week because the contractions were just getting too painful. It's done the trick for controlling the contractions, but makes my muscles even weaker than they were (this is a common side effect) and makes me a little shaky, so don't trust me with anything that requires good fine motor skills!

One great milestone of the week was that our soon-to-be-four year old felt the babies kicking for the first time. He got a HUGE grin on his face when he felt it and seemed to really understand what was happening. It was terrific. My husband has also been able to feel them more than usual… normally he gets near them and they suddenly fall asleep. But he's been able to feel AND see them move more than he had been able to even just a couple weeks ago, which is great. Now at least he doesn't think I'm just making it all up. It definitely feels different from the outside than from the inside, but I still appreciate that they can share a teeney bit of the experience.

One less positive milestone of the week is that yesterday suddenly my rings were too tight to remove (I did get them off eventually), and my blood pressure shot up. It's still not alarmingly high by normal person's standards, but my BP normally runs a bit on the low side, so it's a pretty huge shift upward for me. The diastolic (the bottom number) was averaging around 90 all day, and seems to be doing the same thing today. One day of high blood pressure is not alarming, so the only thing to do is wait and see if it's a trend. But I still don't like it. Swelling in the hands, elevated blood pressure and sudden weight gain (oh, did I forget to mention that I seem to have gained back last week's four pound loss overnight??) are all signs that point to, well, they're not great signs, let's put it that way. So I'm just going to sit around waiting to see if it's a trend. Because really, I'm so close to the end of this pregnancy, I see no good reason why it SHOULD be a trend. I feel like I should catch a break already.

Oh, and I still have this cold. Which is probably not helping the BP issue. Colds are supposed to run their course in about 7 days. Today is day 8. It is time for it to go now. My throat hurts and it's hard to breathe (which makes it hard to distinguish whether the terbutaline side effects are problematic or if the cold is annoying). I'm stuffy and gross. Sudafed and other products don't seem to help. I would like for it to stop now, please. Not far now, my little smurfs. Not far now.

In other news, I sent myself a Pajama Gram for when the babies are born. I decided I was entitled to some nifty nursing pajamas. I had trouble deciding what size to buy, though… My pre-pregnancy size? That's what I've been wearing throughout my pregnancy… for the most part, I haven't been wearing maternity sizes. So what to do? Well, I went ahead and bought my pre-pregnancy size, on the theory that I'm 99% sure I'm having a c-section, so it can't hurt to be a little too lose on me, right? Besides, who knows how long it will take for some of this triplet belly to go away. Maybe it won't ever. Anywhozit, I will soon own some snuggly jammies.

Now what I really want to know is why didn't my husband ever buy me this super cute Vermont Teddy Bear?? (Besides the fact that I would have strangled him for tempting fate and for putting more clutter in my house?) And furthermore, why does Vermont Teddy Bear sell twin teddy bears, but not triplets? Okay, admittedly, I'm sure if I called them, they'd make it happen, and it's not terribly surprising that it's not available as a standard on their website selection. And it's not like I actually want them, because seriously, what am I going to DO with them? But still. I'm just saying!

And that, I believe, is enough jibber jabbering. I have to go back for my morning nap. I've been up for two and a half hours. I think that's long enough, don't you?

Appointment today went okay. They did the fetal fibronectin check again. I should have the results of that tomorrow. Since it came back negative last week, I’m guessing it will come back negative today as well. If it doesn’t, that’s when they’ll talk about bringing me in for hospital bed-rest. Fair enough.

My cervix was 1.5cm. It’s short, but it’s been that short before. So is it worrisome? Sort of, but not much more worrisome than its been for the last 7-8 weeks. So all I can do is hang in there and hope it holds up for another four weeks. In other news, my blood pressure is still great and I’ve lost another four pounds. Babies all have good heart rates, as per usual.

Dr. R’s last day was today as she’s moving back to Boston tomorrow, so she and I chatted for a bit while the sonographer did the growth measurements after Dr. R. had measured my cervix. This meant I missed much of the growth ultrasound, which I normally would have watched really carefully. Babies A and B are just about 3 pounds. Baby C is smaller, and its growth curve has slowed from the last growth ultrasound. There’s really no telling at this point whether that’s something to worry about yet, but they’ll check again in a couple weeks to make sure Baby C is still growing, but at this point, there’s really no way to tell whether it’s worrisome. It probably isn’t. And if it is, we’ll deal with it when the time comes.

Also, the doctors are taking me off of home monitoring. It’s clear that I have a good handle on what’s normal for me. The last straw was essentially that last night I monitored, had to remonitor and still had 13 contractions. They wanted me to remonitor again, and I said I wasn’t inclined to do so because this was normal for me and nothing unusual was going on, so I recommended they call the doctor. As it happened, Dr. R. was on call and she said, “She doesn’t want to remonitor? Okay. Karen’s pretty smart, I’m sure she’d know if something was any different. Let her go to bed.” And that’s how that worked. Honestly, that’s mostly how it usually works. So the doctors pretty much feel like there’s not much point in continuing with it. They’ve pretty much gotten the data they need from the monitoring: I contract a lot. They know that now. I know that now. The key now is that I know to call them if there’s any significant change in the intensity or pattern. I noted to Dr. R. that I’ve been noting a bunch of subtle changes in my contractions in the last few days, but I wasn’t sure if that mattered and she said no… they’re looking for major changes in intensity. “You’re not going to miss when you’re in labor, I promise you.” I do believe her. The contractions I had with my miscarriage last fall were DECIDEDLY different than the contractions I’m having now. I couldn’t talk through them, they forced me instinctively into different positions in hopes of relief. So I’m pretty sure I’ll know the difference.

I told Dr. R. what a hard time I was having walking/moving around and she wasn’t surprised or alarmed. There’s not a lot to be done about it, and it’s just the way it’s going to be and it’s only going to get worse. I also told her I still don’t think I need a stinkin’ c-section and she did acknowledge that a triplet vaginal delivery ISN’T impossible. She cautioned that one of the things that makes it difficult in my case is that I’ve never delivered a baby before, which means I’d probably be facing a long, prolonged labor, which can present too much stress for the babies, or could leave me having to deliver one or two vaginally and STILL needing the c-section for the rest, and that’s the last thing anyone wants, because recovering from BOTH a vaginal and caesarean delivery at the same time isn’t pleasant… better to recover from one or the other. She said if I went into labor this week, it would absolutely not be an option, but if I make it to 34 weeks, I can probably talk about it with the remaining members of the practice, but of course, the first consideration will always be what is safest for me and for the babies. Understood and agreed.

I admit that part of why I don’t want a c-section is that I’m afraid this will be my last pregnancy and therefore my last opportunity to experience a vaginal delivery. I also admit that part of why I don’t want a c-section is because I hope this WON’T be my last pregnancy (as crazy as that sounds for a chick who’s about to have four kids in her life) and I don’t love the idea of having to convince a doctor to let me attempt a VBAC. But mostly… I just really don’t want drugs running through that epidural if I can help it. I hate the idea of losing that physical control. I just hate it and it terrifies me, even though I know I’ll get over it if it comes to that.

Edit: Two points of clarification: First, whether I have a c-section or a vaginal delivery, the doctor will make me have an epidural in place. The difference is whether there are actual drugs running through it. If I have a vaginal delivery, they won’t have to run drugs through it unless I want them to, they just need it in place in case they have to suddenly switch to a c-section. And either way, I’d deliver in an operating room, again, just in case.

Second, my objection to a c-section has far less to do with having surgery, being cut open. or “losing out” on a vaginal delivery.” It’s actually having the epidural. I have two issues with the epidural, the first of which I clearly have to get over regardless and that’s having a needle inserted into my spinal column. It’s not a rational fear, so rational explanations and comments really don’t help, and like I said, I obviously have to get over it regardless, so please don’t try to talk me out of this one, because it won’t work and will likely just cause me more anxiety. The other issue I have with the epidural is the actual drug going through the epidural, and this relates specifically to the loss of physical control of my lower half. I had a TIA (trans-ischemic attack, sort of a mini-stroke) when I was 23, so I’ve experienced the whole “you can’t move your limbs no matter how hard you try” sensation before, and it’s excruciating for me. I don’t relish the idea of doing it on purpose. Again, if I have a c-section this is just something I’ll take a deep breath and get over, so there’s no need to try and talk me out of it.. most attempts to try and soothe my fears about such a thing only make me more anxious about it, so trust me when I say that I really will just get past it, but I really do have a pretty straight-forward reason for not wanting an epidural, and therefore not wanting a c-section. (This, by the way, makes me even MORE opposed to having a spinal, which can’t just be turned off, so I’m REALLY hoping that’s not what happens)

As for pain relief, I really am not that concerned about it. I’m fully aware that my only real pain relief option is an epidural even with a vaginal delivery. But pain doesn’t worry me. I have a lot of chronic pain in my life. I know how to handle pain. I have a lot of techniques in my arsenal (so to speak) to handle pain. I have chronic migraines. I have chronic kidney stones, many of which I’ve gotten through without any pain relief (kidney stones are often likened to the pain of labor, and often women who have had both labor pains and kidney stone pain say that kidney stones are actually worse). Believe me, I’d much rather have to deal with pain, which is finite, than an epidural (which, admittedly, is also finite).

There is also the minor fact that I’m not loving the idea of taking care of triplets while recovering from a c-section, but I don’t imagine it’ll be all that fun to recover from delivery of triplets no matter what, so that’s a pretty minor issue. End of Edit

30 weeks, Dr. R. emphasized, is a big milestone. And 32 weeks will be a bigger milestone. And 34 weeks will be huge if I can get there. I’m definitely getting there. Not far now and I know I can get there. Back for another appointment next week.

A couple people have emailed to ask why I’ve been so quiet (and I got at least one comment on the blog about it as well). I’m mostly quiet because I’m exhausted. I have little energy for anything. I wrote last Friday that I don’t feel nearly as horrible as I would have expected to feel, and that’s still true, but I had imagined feeling truly, utterly, unbearably horrible, so it’s all relative.

I’ve gotten to a point that walking the 20 feet from my bed to my bathroom is excruciating not only for the time it takes, but the physical pain and exhaustion that it causes as a result. It’s worse in the morning than afternoon, but it’s not pleasant no matter what. I don’t sleep well, but I can’t keep my eyes open half the time anyway. I know I’m in the home stretch, and I’m grateful for that. In a lot of ways, I think I’ll miss having my little parasites inside me in a few weeks, but otherwise, I’m also looking forward to a time when getting up out of bed is no longer a two-person, five-minute effort.

I’m not complaining. I’m really not. Heaven knows I never thought this would be easy. And I certainly can’t say I didn’t ask for this (well, yes I can… I was pretty specific that I wanted a singleton, but that’s another story). But I knew the risks. And as cheesy as it sounds, I love these babies even though they’re not even here yet. So it’s not a complaint. Just an explanation for why I’ve been quiet. That, and I’ve been spending a fair bit of time on and off the stupid monitor because the contractions haven’t quit. Made some more changes to my medications today, though, so hopefully that will help in the next couple days.

Tomorrow I will be 30 weeks. I’ll have my growth ultrasound to see how the babies are growing, and they’ll check my cervix to make sure it’s stable. And hopefully, I’ll be told that I’ve got another four weeks of growing to do. Maybe I’ll even have the energy after the appointment to post about it. Right now, I really have to go to bed and snuggle with my snoogle.