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Envy

August 2, 2007 by chezperky

You’d think this would go away. This ridiculous infertile envy of mine. I’m pregnant for crying out loud. I know lots of people look at my blog, see that I’m pregnant and click away immediately, sorry that they accidentally stumbled on yet another pregnancy blog. I’m one of THEM. One of the traitors. No longer one of the team. But once a stirrup queen, always a stirrup queen, I say. Pregnancy has made me no less infertile. Pregnancy has made me no less capable of just deciding that I want to get pregnant and making it happen. Pregnancy has not created in me the freedom to make my own reproductive choices without the interference of a team of doctors.

Oh, but what’s that, you say? Triplets? Why, oh why would I ever need to contemplate more children anyway? I’ll tell you why! Because if I were fertile, I’d be ABLE to contemplate that without anyone asking me such a ridiculous question, that’s why. Because never in my life did it occur to me that I would have one pregnancy and be done. Because it never occured to me that my only pregnancy experience would be a high-risk, bed-ridden, terbutaline-laden experience.

And where does the envy come in? I have a friend who got married in early February. On my husband’s birthday, in fact. I was in the middle of a doomed IUI cycle, or so I thought. I had, in fact, that morning been to a monitoring appointment in which a doctor had given me yet another quizzical look and basically said, “Well, at least we know this is the last cycle, and we’re moving on to IVF next cycle.” My friend is a lovely woman, and she married a lovely gentleman, another friend of ours, and we couldn’t be happier for them. But I was near tears all day. I’m not normally like that during a cycle. I normally take the ups and downs of a treatment cycle fairly well, but that cycle just kept going SO BADLY and I was so very tired. And it was February, which meant that the bride, beautiful and radiant, had plenty of time left in the year to get pregnant and have a baby before year’s end.

And guess what? She’s due to have her first baby in December. Which means she got pregnant a month after I did. (I had my IUI mid-February that month to get pregnant with the triplets). And I wouldn’t wish infertiity on her. I really wouldn’t. Not for one, single, solitary second. I wouldn’t wish it on ANYONE, least of all her. But… but… couldn’t she at least be due in January? Couldn’t I have just been wrong once?

I am surrounded, and I mean SURROUNDED by pregnant women in my community. It’s one of the pitfalls of being an infertile woman living in an Orthodox Jewish Community. One woman is due around the same time that the triplets should be making their debut with her first from her second IVF cycle and I couldn’t be happier for her. The others, as far as I know had no struggles (they are all relatively newly-weds, or they are on their second, third, or fourth children in pretty short time spans). Between early July and the beginning of October, there are 10 babies (counting each of the triplets as one baby) expected (and now, if you expand to December, 11 counting this friend I described above) in a one mile radius. Four were born in the last 10 days. Three of us are expecting arrivals in late September (including me). You would THINK that with me being one of the pregnant ones for once, I wouldn’t be jealous. But I am. I really am. And worse, there’s a piece of me that just HATES that I’m not special, and a piece of me that LOVES that the triplets set me apart from all the other deliveries coming, because at least in that sense, my babies still ARE the special ones. Because I really AM that petty and childish.

You’d think I could just be genuinely happy for everyone else’s good news. And usually I am. I truly do not believe there is a limited amount of fertility in this world. I don’t believe that another woman’s pregnancy takes away from my “chances” of a pregnancy. And yet, when I learned of my friend’s pregnancy, I felt hollow and empty and mean. I wanted to leave the room and cry if I could, but I knew I couldn’t. And no one, NO ONE, understands why it would matter to me. I mean, I hit the jackpot, right? Triplets! I never have to worry about having kids again, right? Except that I hate that people just assume it’s okay to say that. “Well, at least you’re done and you never have to do this again.” What a horrible thing to say. What if I WANT this again? How exactly is having a catheter in my leg pumping medicine into me 24/7 a fun pregnancy experience? Why is it okay to assume that I’m just loving this “perfect” pregnancy from my bed or recliner from which I am allowed to emerge for a meal or for the bathroom or for a doctor’s appointment, but for nothing else?

But it’s not fair of me to blame fertile myrtles either. My friend never did anything to me. She isn’t even the one that told me she was pregnant (I’m closer with her sister who told me because I talk to her far more often). She’s never said “nanny nanny boo boo. it took you five years and tens of thousands of dollars of treatment, but I only took a month, so pbbbbt!” I’m sure it’s never occurred to her. She’s quiet and unassumming and beautiful and so unbelievably perfect. I’m not angry at her. I’m angry at myself for not being mature enough to just be happy for her. After all, I have everything that I wanted. I have an amazing husband. I have the pregnancy I begged and cried and prayed for (even though technically I prayed for a SINGLETON pregnancy). I have a beautiful amazing foster son. I have a home I love and a supportive community. I couldn’t ask for more.

And yet, I still envy her, and I hate myself for that.

Posted in fertility shmertility, general infertility | 26 Comments »

Envy

August 2, 2007 by chezperky

You'd think this would go away. This ridiculous infertile envy of mine. I'm pregnant for crying out loud. I know lots of people look at my blog, see that I'm pregnant and click away immediately, sorry that they accidentally stumbled on yet another pregnancy blog. I'm one of THEM. One of the traitors. No longer one of the team. But once a stirrup queen, always a stirrup queen, I say. Pregnancy has made me no less infertile. Pregnancy has made me no less capable of just deciding that I want to get pregnant and making it happen. Pregnancy has not created in me the freedom to make my own reproductive choices without the interference of a team of doctors.

Oh, but what's that, you say? Triplets? Why, oh why would I ever need to contemplate more children anyway? I'll tell you why! Because if I were fertile, I'd be ABLE to contemplate that without anyone asking me such a ridiculous question, that's why. Because never in my life did it occur to me that I would have one pregnancy and be done. Because it never occured to me that my only pregnancy experience would be a high-risk, bed-ridden, terbutaline-laden experience.

And where does the envy come in? I have a friend who got married in early February. On my husband's birthday, in fact. I was in the middle of a doomed IUI cycle, or so I thought. I had, in fact, that morning been to a monitoring appointment in which a doctor had given me yet another quizzical look and basically said, "Well, at least we know this is the last cycle, and we're moving on to IVF next cycle." My friend is a lovely woman, and she married a lovely gentleman, another friend of ours, and we couldn't be happier for them. But I was near tears all day. I'm not normally like that during a cycle. I normally take the ups and downs of a treatment cycle fairly well, but that cycle just kept going SO BADLY and I was so very tired. And it was February, which meant that the bride, beautiful and radiant, had plenty of time left in the year to get pregnant and have a baby before year's end.

And guess what? She's due to have her first baby in December. Which means she got pregnant a month after I did. (I had my IUI mid-February that month to get pregnant with the triplets). And I wouldn't wish infertiity on her. I really wouldn't. Not for one, single, solitary second. I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE, least of all her. But… but… couldn't she at least be due in January? Couldn't I have just been wrong once?

I am surrounded, and I mean SURROUNDED by pregnant women in my community. It's one of the pitfalls of being an infertile woman living in an Orthodox Jewish Community. One woman is due around the same time that the triplets should be making their debut with her first from her second IVF cycle and I couldn't be happier for her. The others, as far as I know had no struggles (they are all relatively newly-weds, or they are on their second, third, or fourth children in pretty short time spans). Between early July and the beginning of October, there are 10 babies (counting each of the triplets as one baby) expected (and now, if you expand to December, 11 counting this friend I described above) in a one mile radius. Four were born in the last 10 days. Three of us are expecting arrivals in late September (including me). You would THINK that with me being one of the pregnant ones for once, I wouldn't be jealous. But I am. I really am. And worse, there's a piece of me that just HATES that I'm not special, and a piece of me that LOVES that the triplets set me apart from all the other deliveries coming, because at least in that sense, my babies still ARE the special ones. Because I really AM that petty and childish.

You'd think I could just be genuinely happy for everyone else's good news. And usually I am. I truly do not believe there is a limited amount of fertility in this world. I don't believe that another woman's pregnancy takes away from my "chances" of a pregnancy. And yet, when I learned of my friend's pregnancy, I felt hollow and empty and mean. I wanted to leave the room and cry if I could, but I knew I couldn't. And no one, NO ONE, understands why it would matter to me. I mean, I hit the jackpot, right? Triplets! I never have to worry about having kids again, right? Except that I hate that people just assume it's okay to say that. "Well, at least you're done and you never have to do this again." What a horrible thing to say. What if I WANT this again? How exactly is having a catheter in my leg pumping medicine into me 24/7 a fun pregnancy experience? Why is it okay to assume that I'm just loving this "perfect" pregnancy from my bed or recliner from which I am allowed to emerge for a meal or for the bathroom or for a doctor's appointment, but for nothing else?

But it's not fair of me to blame fertile myrtles either. My friend never did anything to me. She isn't even the one that told me she was pregnant (I'm closer with her sister who told me because I talk to her far more often). She's never said "nanny nanny boo boo. it took you five years and tens of thousands of dollars of treatment, but I only took a month, so pbbbbt!" I'm sure it's never occurred to her. She's quiet and unassumming and beautiful and so unbelievably perfect. I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at myself for not being mature enough to just be happy for her. After all, I have everything that I wanted. I have an amazing husband. I have the pregnancy I begged and cried and prayed for (even though technically I prayed for a SINGLETON pregnancy). I have a beautiful amazing foster son. I have a home I love and a supportive community. I couldn't ask for more.

And yet, I still envy her, and I hate myself for that.

Posted in fertility shmertility, general infertility | 32 Comments »

26 Weeks – How it’s Going

August 1, 2007 by chezperky

Sorry for the delay in actual pregnancy updates… several of you have asked. With my husband sitting shiva, it’s been hard to get real time to post anything significant. Things have mostly been okay, but have been a bit up and down. It seems like every time I want to post “Yesterday was a really good day” I end up having a really crappy day, so then I need to post “Yesterday was a really crappy day” except then things turn back around, so I just can’t keep it all straight. 😉 This is not an entirely bad thing.

The good news is that the up and down is largely confined to the contraction side of things. This is good news primarily because of the terbutaline pump. There’s a lot of leeway in how I can deal with dosages on the pump (or rather, how the nurses at Matria, the monitoring company, can deal with dosages). They have a lot of leeway in the doctors’ orders in terms of giving additional “demand doses” or changing basal rates or auto-dose rates. So we’ve been playing around a lot with that. We’ve increased my basal rate twice and yesterday increased my auto-dose rate by 10%, but there’s more wiggle room still if that doesn’t work.

What’s been tending to happen is that I go a day or a day and a half with no, or only one, contraction during each of my two daily monitoring sessions (which doesn’t mean I’m having zero throughout the day, but that’s another story), which is great. But then I’ll go a day or two with 5-6 during each monitoring session, which is when we start moving doses around. Most of the contractions aren’t painful, but they are fairly uncomfortable. What’s more painful is that I have a lot of cramping all of the time, which wakes me up a lot too, but even the increases in basal rate have helped that, so it’s likely that the cramping is low-level contractions that don’t really register as contractions themselves on the monitor (if they’re less than 40-seconds, they don’t call them contractions). See, and here I thought I got pregnant to avoid being plagued by painful menstrual-like cramps. Sigh.

The really astoundingly good news is that bed rest certainly seems to be doing its job, which is good because I really, really don’t want to be admitted to the hospital just now. Each appointment that I’ve had since that first alarming appointment where my cervix had gone down to 1.5cm has shown definite improvement in cervical length. I didn’t even know that could really happen. My last appointment, on Monday, it was, at its shortest, 2.8cm. Go me! This has also enabled me to return to weekly appointments instead of twice-weekly appointments, which is good, because with S dealing with shiva, I wouldn’t have wanted to abandon him too often.

What really astounds me is that I remember my first appointment with the perinatologist was at 8 weeks, 5 days, and this week’s appointment was 25 weeks, 5 days. 17 weeks have passed, but it feels like a lifetime ago. 17 weeks ago, I didn’t even have a clear idea whether all three were going to make it. 17 weeks ago I didn’t even know if it made more sense to consider a reduction and I was getting tremendous pressure in all directions to reduce. 17 weeks ago, I finally walked into an office that didn’t say my only option was to reduce the triplets. 17 weeks ago I had no idea if I was making the right choice, but today I have no question that I made the right choice. I didn’t know then if these little monsters had any chance of making it, but now, I have little doubt they will, though I have no idea what issues they’ll be facing on the other side. 17 weeks ago, I was in despair… yesterday, I was conspiring with Jess to create a baby registry, something I couldn’t possibly have contemplated even a month ago, let alone 17 weeks ago.

I remember clearly the day that it became obvious that I was attached to these little monsters. I blogged about it, even. April 19th. That’s when I realized it was okay to be attached to these little parasites… the little parasites I was still too terrified to refer to as babies. Now I often refer to them as babies, but I can’t remember when that shift took place. What I do know is that shift wasn’t insignificant. I never thought I’d call a baby a baby until it was born. I never thought I could bear having that level of attachment before it was a “sure thing”. But here I am, with three babies kicking me regularly, and that’s what they are to me… alternately babies and monsters (in the most endearing way possible, of course).

But I digress. Back to how I’m doing.

Contractions… today not bad, tomorrow, we’ll see. Check.
Cervical length… getting better, apparently bed rest works. Check.

Babies (!)… They are terrific. I haven’t had a growth ultrasound since the 11th, but will have another on Monday, so I’ll know more then, but they’ve all got perfect heartbeats, plenty of amniotic fluid, and they’re all quite active, so there don’t appear to be any serious concerns in that regard. Or minor concerns, for that matter. The one seriously annoying thing is that as of Monday, they had all turned breach. Even Baby A who has been head down for MONTHS! I know they all have PLENTY of time to turn right back around, but I’m bitter. Bit-ter, I tell you! They’d better move back around and fast. One good thing about it, though, is that Dr. M. thinks that it’s possible that part of the reason my cervix lengthened again this week was because the pressure had been taken off of it with the baby’s head not constantly pushing down on it, so I guess I can’t entirely complain. At first with them all turning around I couldn’t feel them moving much, but I think they must have shifted somewhat again, because now Baby A is most decidedly kicking me directly in the cervix on a regular basis, which is more painful than head-butting and honestly, more painful (and more persistent) than punching. So I’m not loving that. But the other two must also have shifted somewhat, because I can feel them fighting with each other again. I doubt that they’ve turned all the way around again already, but they’ve definitely moved somewhat since Monday.

Next Monday, they’ll do another fetal fibronectin test, talk to me more about steroid shots (though they’re still trying to put those off until at least 30 weeks if possible), and they’ll do the 1-hour glucose tolerance test. Yum. I wish I could just skip to the 3 hour, since I’m at such a high risk for gestational diabetes in the first place (triplet pregnancy, PCOS, overweight to begin with…), but it’s all good. Hopefully it won’t be an issue and I’ll only have to do this once. They will also, as I said, do the growth ultrasound on the babies, so it will be a long appointment, which is fine with me, because it’s the one excursion out of the house that I’m allowed.

The current bane of my existence is that I have a nasty cold, which I think is just adding insult to injury, and I’m quite bitter about it, but hoping that it will be short-lived. I hate colds because they are utterly miserable, but they are “just colds” so you can’t really complain about them without being a big whiner. Unless you’re pregnant with triplets, in which case, I think you’re perfectly justified in whining about basically anything. At least, that’s MY excuse!

And that’s where things are right now. I’m slowly catching up on blogs. I haven’t been purposely ignoring anyone, it’s just that things have been a bit crazy with everything going on between my dramarama and my husband’s father’s death. So hopefully things will calm down soon A girl can dream, right? Today my big plans are to be able to take a nap at some point.

Posted in pregnancy: never a dull moment, triplets? | 15 Comments »

New Look!

August 1, 2007 by chezperky

So Jess decided one day that I needed a pick-me-up. I don’t entirely remember why, but something was going on. So she conspired to get me a new header for my blog, which was good, because I’d been using a boring Blogger Template for the year that I’d had the blog, so it was about time for a new look. She conspired with Stefanie to create a new banner for me.

Apparently, Stefanie, who did this out of the goodness of her heart (or great love for Jess, I suppose), as I’ve never met her, but I’ll be reading her blog from now on, sent bunches of images of cute pregnant chicks to Jess to possibly use, but they were all these impossibly tall, wicked thin, long-blonde-hair pregnant chicks shopping. Jess, knowing my great hatred for shopping and knowing that, well, I’m not tall (I’m 5’0″), not impossibly thin, and I’m guessing she figured out the blonde part (I have light brown hair), nixed them all. I found this very funny.

Anywhozit, I think it’s just lovely, and I hope you like my new look, because Stefanie is clearly brilliant!

Posted in blogarama | 15 Comments »

New Look!

August 1, 2007 by chezperky

So Jess decided one day that I needed a pick-me-up. I don't entirely remember why, but something was going on. So she conspired to get me a new header for my blog, which was good, because I'd been using a boring Blogger Template for the year that I'd had the blog, so it was about time for a new look. She conspired with Stefanie to create a new banner for me.

Apparently, Stefanie, who did this out of the goodness of her heart (or great love for Jess, I suppose), as I've never met her, but I'll be reading her blog from now on, sent bunches of images of cute pregnant chicks to Jess to possibly use, but they were all these impossibly tall, wicked thin, long-blonde-hair pregnant chicks shopping. Jess, knowing my great hatred for shopping and knowing that, well, I'm not tall (I'm 5'0"), not impossibly thin, and I'm guessing she figured out the blonde part (I have light brown hair), nixed them all. I found this very funny.

Anywhozit, I think it's just lovely, and I hope you like my new look, because Stefanie is clearly brilliant!

Posted in blogarama | 11 Comments »

26 Weeks – How it’s Going

August 1, 2007 by chezperky

Sorry for the delay in actual pregnancy updates… several of you have asked. With my husband sitting shiva, it's been hard to get real time to post anything significant. Things have mostly been okay, but have been a bit up and down. It seems like every time I want to post "Yesterday was a really good day" I end up having a really crappy day, so then I need to post "Yesterday was a really crappy day" except then things turn back around, so I just can't keep it all straight. 😉 This is not an entirely bad thing.

The good news is that the up and down is largely confined to the contraction side of things. This is good news primarily because of the terbutaline pump. There's a lot of leeway in how I can deal with dosages on the pump (or rather, how the nurses at Matria, the monitoring company, can deal with dosages). They have a lot of leeway in the doctors' orders in terms of giving additional "demand doses" or changing basal rates or auto-dose rates. So we've been playing around a lot with that. We've increased my basal rate twice and yesterday increased my auto-dose rate by 10%, but there's more wiggle room still if that doesn't work.

What's been tending to happen is that I go a day or a day and a half with no, or only one, contraction during each of my two daily monitoring sessions (which doesn't mean I'm having zero throughout the day, but that's another story), which is great. But then I'll go a day or two with 5-6 during each monitoring session, which is when we start moving doses around. Most of the contractions aren't painful, but they are fairly uncomfortable. What's more painful is that I have a lot of cramping all of the time, which wakes me up a lot too, but even the increases in basal rate have helped that, so it's likely that the cramping is low-level contractions that don't really register as contractions themselves on the monitor (if they're less than 40-seconds, they don't call them contractions). See, and here I thought I got pregnant to avoid being plagued by painful menstrual-like cramps. Sigh.

The really astoundingly good news is that bed rest certainly seems to be doing its job, which is good because I really, really don't want to be admitted to the hospital just now. Each appointment that I've had since that first alarming appointment where my cervix had gone down to 1.5cm has shown definite improvement in cervical length. I didn't even know that could really happen. My last appointment, on Monday, it was, at its shortest, 2.8cm. Go me! This has also enabled me to return to weekly appointments instead of twice-weekly appointments, which is good, because with S dealing with shiva, I wouldn't have wanted to abandon him too often.

What really astounds me is that I remember my first appointment with the perinatologist was at 8 weeks, 5 days, and this week's appointment was 25 weeks, 5 days. 17 weeks have passed, but it feels like a lifetime ago. 17 weeks ago, I didn't even have a clear idea whether all three were going to make it. 17 weeks ago I didn't even know if it made more sense to consider a reduction and I was getting tremendous pressure in all directions to reduce. 17 weeks ago, I finally walked into an office that didn't say my only option was to reduce the triplets. 17 weeks ago I had no idea if I was making the right choice, but today I have no question that I made the right choice. I didn't know then if these little monsters had any chance of making it, but now, I have little doubt they will, though I have no idea what issues they'll be facing on the other side. 17 weeks ago, I was in despair… yesterday, I was conspiring with Jess to create a baby registry, something I couldn't possibly have contemplated even a month ago, let alone 17 weeks ago.

I remember clearly the day that it became obvious that I was attached to these little monsters. I blogged about it, even. April 19th. That's when I realized it was okay to be attached to these little parasites… the little parasites I was still too terrified to refer to as babies. Now I often refer to them as babies, but I can't remember when that shift took place. What I do know is that shift wasn't insignificant. I never thought I'd call a baby a baby until it was born. I never thought I could bear having that level of attachment before it was a "sure thing". But here I am, with three babies kicking me regularly, and that's what they are to me… alternately babies and monsters (in the most endearing way possible, of course).

But I digress. Back to how I'm doing.

Contractions… today not bad, tomorrow, we'll see. Check.
Cervical length… getting better, apparently bed rest works. Check.

Babies (!)… They are terrific. I haven't had a growth ultrasound since the 11th, but will have another on Monday, so I'll know more then, but they've all got perfect heartbeats, plenty of amniotic fluid, and they're all quite active, so there don't appear to be any serious concerns in that regard. Or minor concerns, for that matter. The one seriously annoying thing is that as of Monday, they had all turned breach. Even Baby A who has been head down for MONTHS! I know they all have PLENTY of time to turn right back around, but I'm bitter. Bit-ter, I tell you! They'd better move back around and fast. One good thing about it, though, is that Dr. M. thinks that it's possible that part of the reason my cervix lengthened again this week was because the pressure had been taken off of it with the baby's head not constantly pushing down on it, so I guess I can't entirely complain. At first with them all turning around I couldn't feel them moving much, but I think they must have shifted somewhat again, because now Baby A is most decidedly kicking me directly in the cervix on a regular basis, which is more painful than head-butting and honestly, more painful (and more persistent) than punching. So I'm not loving that. But the other two must also have shifted somewhat, because I can feel them fighting with each other again. I doubt that they've turned all the way around again already, but they've definitely moved somewhat since Monday.

Next Monday, they'll do another fetal fibronectin test, talk to me more about steroid shots (though they're still trying to put those off until at least 30 weeks if possible), and they'll do the 1-hour glucose tolerance test. Yum. I wish I could just skip to the 3 hour, since I'm at such a high risk for gestational diabetes in the first place (triplet pregnancy, PCOS, overweight to begin with…), but it's all good. Hopefully it won't be an issue and I'll only have to do this once. They will also, as I said, do the growth ultrasound on the babies, so it will be a long appointment, which is fine with me, because it's the one excursion out of the house that I'm allowed.

The current bane of my existence is that I have a nasty cold, which I think is just adding insult to injury, and I'm quite bitter about it, but hoping that it will be short-lived. I hate colds because they are utterly miserable, but they are "just colds" so you can't really complain about them without being a big whiner. Unless you're pregnant with triplets, in which case, I think you're perfectly justified in whining about basically anything. At least, that's MY excuse!

And that's where things are right now. I'm slowly catching up on blogs. I haven't been purposely ignoring anyone, it's just that things have been a bit crazy with everything going on between my dramarama and my husband's father's death. So hopefully things will calm down soon A girl can dream, right? Today my big plans are to be able to take a nap at some point.

Posted in pregnancy: never a dull moment, triplets? | 6 Comments »

26 Weeks – How it’s Going

August 1, 2007 by chezperky

Sorry for the delay in actual pregnancy updates… several of you have asked. With my husband sitting shiva, it's been hard to get real time to post anything significant. Things have mostly been okay, but have been a bit up and down. It seems like every time I want to post "Yesterday was a really good day" I end up having a really crappy day, so then I need to post "Yesterday was a really crappy day" except then things turn back around, so I just can't keep it all straight. 😉 This is not an entirely bad thing.

The good news is that the up and down is largely confined to the contraction side of things. This is good news primarily because of the terbutaline pump. There's a lot of leeway in how I can deal with dosages on the pump (or rather, how the nurses at Matria, the monitoring company, can deal with dosages). They have a lot of leeway in the doctors' orders in terms of giving additional "demand doses" or changing basal rates or auto-dose rates. So we've been playing around a lot with that. We've increased my basal rate twice and yesterday increased my auto-dose rate by 10%, but there's more wiggle room still if that doesn't work.

What's been tending to happen is that I go a day or a day and a half with no, or only one, contraction during each of my two daily monitoring sessions (which doesn't mean I'm having zero throughout the day, but that's another story), which is great. But then I'll go a day or two with 5-6 during each monitoring session, which is when we start moving doses around. Most of the contractions aren't painful, but they are fairly uncomfortable. What's more painful is that I have a lot of cramping all of the time, which wakes me up a lot too, but even the increases in basal rate have helped that, so it's likely that the cramping is low-level contractions that don't really register as contractions themselves on the monitor (if they're less than 40-seconds, they don't call them contractions). See, and here I thought I got pregnant to avoid being plagued by painful menstrual-like cramps. Sigh.

The really astoundingly good news is that bed rest certainly seems to be doing its job, which is good because I really, really don't want to be admitted to the hospital just now. Each appointment that I've had since that first alarming appointment where my cervix had gone down to 1.5cm has shown definite improvement in cervical length. I didn't even know that could really happen. My last appointment, on Monday, it was, at its shortest, 2.8cm. Go me! This has also enabled me to return to weekly appointments instead of twice-weekly appointments, which is good, because with S dealing with shiva, I wouldn't have wanted to abandon him too often.

What really astounds me is that I remember my first appointment with the perinatologist was at 8 weeks, 5 days, and this week's appointment was 25 weeks, 5 days. 17 weeks have passed, but it feels like a lifetime ago. 17 weeks ago, I didn't even have a clear idea whether all three were going to make it. 17 weeks ago I didn't even know if it made more sense to consider a reduction and I was getting tremendous pressure in all directions to reduce. 17 weeks ago, I finally walked into an office that didn't say my only option was to reduce the triplets. 17 weeks ago I had no idea if I was making the right choice, but today I have no question that I made the right choice. I didn't know then if these little monsters had any chance of making it, but now, I have little doubt they will, though I have no idea what issues they'll be facing on the other side. 17 weeks ago, I was in despair… yesterday, I was conspiring with Jess to create a baby registry, something I couldn't possibly have contemplated even a month ago, let alone 17 weeks ago.

I remember clearly the day that it became obvious that I was attached to these little monsters. I blogged about it, even. April 19th. That's when I realized it was okay to be attached to these little parasites… the little parasites I was still too terrified to refer to as babies. Now I often refer to them as babies, but I can't remember when that shift took place. What I do know is that shift wasn't insignificant. I never thought I'd call a baby a baby until it was born. I never thought I could bear having that level of attachment before it was a "sure thing". But here I am, with three babies kicking me regularly, and that's what they are to me… alternately babies and monsters (in the most endearing way possible, of course).

But I digress. Back to how I'm doing.

Contractions… today not bad, tomorrow, we'll see. Check.
Cervical length… getting better, apparently bed rest works. Check.

Babies (!)… They are terrific. I haven't had a growth ultrasound since the 11th, but will have another on Monday, so I'll know more then, but they've all got perfect heartbeats, plenty of amniotic fluid, and they're all quite active, so there don't appear to be any serious concerns in that regard. Or minor concerns, for that matter. The one seriously annoying thing is that as of Monday, they had all turned breach. Even Baby A who has been head down for MONTHS! I know they all have PLENTY of time to turn right back around, but I'm bitter. Bit-ter, I tell you! They'd better move back around and fast. One good thing about it, though, is that Dr. M. thinks that it's possible that part of the reason my cervix lengthened again this week was because the pressure had been taken off of it with the baby's head not constantly pushing down on it, so I guess I can't entirely complain. At first with them all turning around I couldn't feel them moving much, but I think they must have shifted somewhat again, because now Baby A is most decidedly kicking me directly in the cervix on a regular basis, which is more painful than head-butting and honestly, more painful (and more persistent) than punching. So I'm not loving that. But the other two must also have shifted somewhat, because I can feel them fighting with each other again. I doubt that they've turned all the way around again already, but they've definitely moved somewhat since Monday.

Next Monday, they'll do another fetal fibronectin test, talk to me more about steroid shots (though they're still trying to put those off until at least 30 weeks if possible), and they'll do the 1-hour glucose tolerance test. Yum. I wish I could just skip to the 3 hour, since I'm at such a high risk for gestational diabetes in the first place (triplet pregnancy, PCOS, overweight to begin with…), but it's all good. Hopefully it won't be an issue and I'll only have to do this once. They will also, as I said, do the growth ultrasound on the babies, so it will be a long appointment, which is fine with me, because it's the one excursion out of the house that I'm allowed.

The current bane of my existence is that I have a nasty cold, which I think is just adding insult to injury, and I'm quite bitter about it, but hoping that it will be short-lived. I hate colds because they are utterly miserable, but they are "just colds" so you can't really complain about them without being a big whiner. Unless you're pregnant with triplets, in which case, I think you're perfectly justified in whining about basically anything. At least, that's MY excuse!

And that's where things are right now. I'm slowly catching up on blogs. I haven't been purposely ignoring anyone, it's just that things have been a bit crazy with everything going on between my dramarama and my husband's father's death. So hopefully things will calm down soon A girl can dream, right? Today my big plans are to be able to take a nap at some point.

Posted in pregnancy: never a dull moment, triplets? | 15 Comments »

Some Things of Note and Ultrasound Pictures

July 25, 2007 by chezperky

Lots of local people have asked me about visitors… I’m all for visitors but not until the week of August 5th since my husband will be sitting shiva here. I would prefer not to have huge crowds of people here at once, but I’m all for having company since I do so love attention! Feel free to email me if you want more details. Please note that I’m not offended if you have neither the time nor the inclination, I am merely responding to the inquiries I have received.

My husband’s father’s funeral is finally set for tomorrow at 2pm in New Hampshire. He’s flying out tomorrow morning and coming home in the late evening. Thank you to everyone who has sent such kind words and condolences our way. Your thoughts are much appreciated. It is very difficult for me to watch Seth learning how to react to this change in his life as I struggle to consider my own parents’ eventual mortality (as LJ so eloquently put it). God willing, I will not learn for many decades how I will react to this kind of a loss.

I am happy to report that this morning I had only one contraction whille monitoring. Go me! I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been trying to use biofeedback techniques that I use for migraines when I start noticing contractions… I think it actually helps. I remain more and more convinced that if I had a normal singleton pregnancy I could totally do the drug-free birth. I haven’t lost hope for a vaginal triplet delivery either… though I don’t know how long I’ll be able to get away without losing that hope and I know they’ll at least make me have the epidural in place even if there are no drugs running through it.

And on to pictures!!

Here lies Baby A. Baby A, the little beast, is firmly lodged against my cervix and spends plenty of time reminding me of this fact, normally head-butting me, but often punching me with a fist. REPEATEDLY. I do not like it, sam I am. I do not like it at all! Yesterday, babies A and B were fighting like mad with each other. It was like watching a boxing match, only slightly less choreographed. Baby A is definitely on my list, though. I’m going to be holding a grudge for at LEAST a minute after the delivery. So there.


Here lies Baby B. Baby B is the good one. Except yesterday he (RANDOM pronoun there… We DON’T know sexes!) was punching his sibling, so now I’m not so sure. Baby B and Baby C spent a lot of time kicking me, and they love to kick things off my big belly. For example, I tend to rest my mouse on my belly while I have my laptop in my ever-shrinking lap, and they will literally kick the mouse off. Sometimes it’s a team effort, but I think baby B is a little stronger than Baby C. Or maybe just better positioned with more leverage. Who knows? Anyway, for the most part, Baby B behaves. He (STILL A RANDOM PRONOUN) is always the one willing to pose for the sonographer and always lets us get a really good look at his heart. Clearly, Baby B takes after ME since he is so cooperative. Somehow, I am not certain that I have convinced my husband of this certainty… Ah well.

And here lies Baby C. I think Baby C is blowing a Spit Bubble which makes Baby C a serious trouble maker. Definitely Baby C takes after J. I HATE SPIT BUBBLES! Babies B and C are usually the ones that fight, but yesterday, Baby C was quite content all by himself (SERIOUSLY, people, it’s a RANDOM PRONOUN). Anyway, Baby C had all sorts of space since Babies A and B were dueling down below. It was kind of funny, actually!

And, the picture I’ve been waiting 6 months for! All three heads in a row! They are all head down, which is why I’m totally NOT giving up hope for a vaginal delivery. Without drugs! It totally CAN happen! I’m telling you! Seriously! I’m seriously going for it. If, you know, I make it that far. I have to get to 34 weeks for them to agree to it. So here I lay, hating bed rest, but very grateful that it seems to be doing what it’s supposed to be doing! Keeping those babies on the INSIDE.

And that’s pretty much all the news for now. I hope you’re all well. I’ll catch up on blogs in a bit!

Posted in blogarama, triplets?, ultrasound pictures | 31 Comments »

Don’t Freak Out!

July 25, 2007 by chezperky

Apparently I freaked out Jess today by not being as available on IM as I usually am, or at any of the usual times. And I hadn’t posted or emailed her. And you know, things haven’t all been going swimmingly with me recently, so this led her to the natural conclusion that there was the vague possibility that I’d ended up back in the hospital and frankly, she’d had a shitty enough day that this was news she simply could not and would not tolerate. So there. She sent me an email around 9:30 saying “Where in All of heck are you?” among other things.

So here I am. I’m okay. I’m very slow to respond to email these days in part because emailing and lying down are sometimes mutually exclusive. I wasn’t on IM most of the day because I wasn’t feeling great but also because my computer was being super-finicky and ticking me off and because I had a doctor’s appointment. I solemnly promise that tomorrow when things have calmed down a bit, I’ll give Jess my password for my blogger account and I will call her if I have to be admitted to the hospital and can’t post. She will post for me, if she’s willing (and I’m assuming she will be), okay?

One bit of warning… my husband will be sitting Shiva for a week starting this Thursday. My guess is that my online presence during that week will be somewhat diminished. SO DON’T FREAK OUT. I made my doctor promise me that there would be no disasters while my husband is sitting shiva. He’s a trustworthy doc, so I can’t imagine he was just humoring me, right? Er…

Anywhozit, I saw the doctor today, and the good news is that my cervix is still stable, so no cerclage. The less good news is that I’m still having contractions between auto-doses of the terbutaline pump… not so many that anyone’s super concerned, but enough that it seems like the baseline dose probably needs to be increased, but I’m not so much looking forward to the increased side effects. But whatever it takes to keep these babies cooking a little longer!! The not good news was that I lost 6 pounds in a week. While on bed rest for crying out loud! Now, normally a girl of my girth would be jumping for joy at a 6 pound loss. Except, well, I’m not allowed to jump. And um, while my doctor wasn’t fretting about me not gaining any weight… they don’t love seeing a 6 pound loss in a week either. So I have to shape up, darnit! And take an extra prenatal vitamin, apparently. And, you know, not lose another 6 pounds this week. Since I have no idea how I lost that weight, I also don’t know how to avoid doing it again, so this ought to be fun.

I’m slowly catching up on blogs… but I’m not commenting nearly enough. Very sorry!!

Posted in blogarama, pregnancy: never a dull moment, triplets? | 11 Comments »

Some Things of Note and Ultrasound Pictures

July 25, 2007 by chezperky

Lots of local people have asked me about visitors… I'm all for visitors but not until the week of August 5th since my husband will be sitting shiva here. I would prefer not to have huge crowds of people here at once, but I'm all for having company since I do so love attention! Feel free to email me if you want more details. Please note that I'm not offended if you have neither the time nor the inclination, I am merely responding to the inquiries I have received.

My husband's father's funeral is finally set for tomorrow at 2pm in New Hampshire. He's flying out tomorrow morning and coming home in the late evening. Thank you to everyone who has sent such kind words and condolences our way. Your thoughts are much appreciated. It is very difficult for me to watch Seth learning how to react to this change in his life as I struggle to consider my own parents' eventual mortality (as LJ so eloquently put it). God willing, I will not learn for many decades how I will react to this kind of a loss.

I am happy to report that this morning I had only one contraction whille monitoring. Go me! I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been trying to use biofeedback techniques that I use for migraines when I start noticing contractions… I think it actually helps. I remain more and more convinced that if I had a normal singleton pregnancy I could totally do the drug-free birth. I haven't lost hope for a vaginal triplet delivery either… though I don't know how long I'll be able to get away without losing that hope and I know they'll at least make me have the epidural in place even if there are no drugs running through it.

And on to pictures!!

Here lies Baby A. Baby A, the little beast, is firmly lodged against my cervix and spends plenty of time reminding me of this fact, normally head-butting me, but often punching me with a fist. REPEATEDLY. I do not like it, sam I am. I do not like it at all! Yesterday, babies A and B were fighting like mad with each other. It was like watching a boxing match, only slightly less choreographed. Baby A is definitely on my list, though. I'm going to be holding a grudge for at LEAST a minute after the delivery. So there.


Here lies Baby B. Baby B is the good one. Except yesterday he (RANDOM pronoun there… We DON'T know sexes!) was punching his sibling, so now I'm not so sure. Baby B and Baby C spent a lot of time kicking me, and they love to kick things off my big belly. For example, I tend to rest my mouse on my belly while I have my laptop in my ever-shrinking lap, and they will literally kick the mouse off. Sometimes it's a team effort, but I think baby B is a little stronger than Baby C. Or maybe just better positioned with more leverage. Who knows? Anyway, for the most part, Baby B behaves. He (STILL A RANDOM PRONOUN) is always the one willing to pose for the sonographer and always lets us get a really good look at his heart. Clearly, Baby B takes after ME since he is so cooperative. Somehow, I am not certain that I have convinced my husband of this certainty… Ah well.

And here lies Baby C. I think Baby C is blowing a Spit Bubble which makes Baby C a serious trouble maker. Definitely Baby C takes after J. I HATE SPIT BUBBLES! Babies B and C are usually the ones that fight, but yesterday, Baby C was quite content all by himself (SERIOUSLY, people, it's a RANDOM PRONOUN). Anyway, Baby C had all sorts of space since Babies A and B were dueling down below. It was kind of funny, actually!

And, the picture I've been waiting 6 months for! All three heads in a row! They are all head down, which is why I'm totally NOT giving up hope for a vaginal delivery. Without drugs! It totally CAN happen! I'm telling you! Seriously! I'm seriously going for it. If, you know, I make it that far. I have to get to 34 weeks for them to agree to it. So here I lay, hating bed rest, but very grateful that it seems to be doing what it's supposed to be doing! Keeping those babies on the INSIDE.

And that's pretty much all the news for now. I hope you're all well. I'll catch up on blogs in a bit!

Posted in blogarama, triplets?, ultrasound pictures | 35 Comments »

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