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Archive for March, 2007

Thoughts

I was a bit unfair in my recent FAQ post. I posted all the snarky questions (some of which I'm sure weren't intended in a snarky way, but I'm all hyper-sensitive right now, so there you have it), but I gave absolutely no credit to the overwhelming support that I've received from much of the infertility blogging world. My friends inside the computer are the best people on the planet.

Mel has been especially helpful, as has Marie-Baguette. I've gotten amazingly supportive comments and emails from most of you. Kirby offered to help in anyway possible, even if it meant driving down to Baltimore to meet me. December Baby cracks me up with her comments. Thalia, who has enough to worry about on her own already, has given me some much needed support. Vanessa who is dealing with her own shock at the moment, has still popped in to send me her thoughts. Countless others have popped in out of the woodwork to check in and see how things are going. I wish I could name every single one of you, because honestly, all of you who comment on this blog are awesome. You're articulate, supportive, thoughtful, understanding, and unbelievably wonderful. If I didn't single you out, it's not because you're not awesome, it's because my hands are starting to hurt from all the typing. You all rock my world.

So you see, it really was unfair of me to focus only on the snarky and to ignore all the love and support I've gotten. Still, I think it's telling that at the time what stuck with me was the snarky stuff. I think it's because I was carrying around a lot of guilt. By all rights, I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled beyond thrilled to have hit the infertility lottery. In a lot of ways I am. But it would be lying if I ignored the fact that I'm still utterly terrified. I've now got three strong beating hearts inside of me. That's a lot of responsibility. I don't know how we're going to handle it financially, emotionally, or physically. I don't know where we're going to squeeze them into our house. I can't figure out how on earth to deal with something as simple as childcare, because no matter how expensive childcare will be, it will still be less than my salary, so we can't afford for me not to work. Who wants to take care of triplets? Can you imagine?

And then I remember that I'm getting ahead of myself. I remember my friend who got pregnant a week after I did last summer, only she was pregnant with triplets. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Two weeks later, when she was 13 weeks, she lost two of hers and she's due with a singleton next month. Am I ever going to be able to breathe in this pregnancy? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever stop wondering if walking up that flight of stairs will mean the demise of my future children? Will I ever make it out of the house again? Will I be able to push a triple stroller? How will we deal with the hospital bill? How much of it will insurance cover?

Will we lose our foster son? Will a court side with his mother, who hasn't seen him in 11 months and 4 days, if we end up with triplets? Will they assume that we're now too busy to love our gorgeous boy? I can't imagine life without J. He was supposed to be with us for a year and then either go back to his mother or be adopted by us. Two and a half years later, nothing has changed. I am his mother. I am the one who stays up late with him. I am the one who worries about what he's eating. I am the one who comforts him when he throws up (admittedly, S is the one who actually cleans up the vomit, because, well, ew!). I am the one who feeds him and hugs him and tucks him in and sings to him and wakes up with him poking me. (None of this is meant to take away from the astounding amount that S does… S is a much better parent than I am) But what if we have triplets and some judge decides we simply can't take care of three infants plus J?

It sounds, in my blog, as though I'm walking around in a constant state of terror, but I'm not. This is where I go to vent it all out, but generally, I'm okay. I take a lot of deep breaths. I'm eating a lot of saltines (because seriously? It's what I can keep down now). I'm looking at each step individually. This is how I stay sane-ish.

Next steps:
4/2: Appointment with Perinatologist
4/3-4/10: Pesach, so can't think too much about the triplet factor anyway.
4/12: Appointment with my OB

Probably we'll tell our mothers about this here pregnancy by the end of April. I begrudgingly admit, I probably can't avoid mentioning the triplet part. When we thought we were having twins, S and I had agreed not to tell anyone but my father that there was more than one. But with triplets, I doubt we can avoid mentioning it. It's okay. I just don't want to tell anyone too soon. My father knows because I needed parental advice the day I found out there were three and he's great at objective advice even in completely screwy circumstances.

But see… the last time I was pregnant, I told my mother immediately, because we thought it wasn't real… we thought I was miscarrying. And so I missed her mother's funeral because my doctor didn't want me getting on a plane that week. So I had to tell her. And I was pregnant for three whole months. I was well past the scary part. I was well past the point of worrying whether I would make it all the way to April. No one expected me to miscarry. No one. But when I called my mom from the hospital to tell her what had happened, she sighed and said, "Oh sweetie, I thought that might happen." Nothing could have made me angrier at that moment. Nothing. She knew nothing of the kind. The doctors were shocked! We were all shocked! But she's got to act like she knew all along, which is crap. I had a perfectly perfect ultrasound of a healthy baby five days before. There is no way she "knew" or "thought" it might happen. And if she was sitting around worried it might happen, then she was projecting her own BS onto me, which is so not okay. (My mother had at least 8 miscarriages, most of which were very early, one of which was around three months…. very sad, yes, but also no reason to believe I'll have the same experience… my mother had NO problem GETTING pregnant, only a problem STAYING pregnant. Our circumstances are very different) I just can't bear to have her saying something stupid like that again if something should happen to this pregnancy. And that's why I can't tell her. She won't even know she's being hurtful. That's the worst part.

Two other irritating things and then I'll wrap up this embarrassingly long post. If you make it to the end, I'll give you a cookie. But you'll have to come get it.

The two things that really piss me off when people say them are these:
1. Well, at least you'll be done having kids after triplets!
2. Oh my gosh, triplets… are they natural/spontaneous/fertility-induced?

Let's start with #1: Maybe I won't be done! Maybe I didn't want to have just one pregnancy and poof! be done! Maybe I want a dozen kids (I don't, but still, I could!). Maybe I don't want to think about the fact that I'll be done after that, long before I'd planned on being done. Maybe I don't want to be reminded that I won't get to see my seven-year old interact with my 2 year old interacting with my newborn, like some women get to see. Maybe I don't know whether all three will even make it and then maybe I'll be even less likely to be done with the whole shebang. Maybe it's cruel to act like this is something that can be brushed off like that.

And number 2. Boy that one ticks me off badly. First of all, ALL children are natural. And who the hell cares if they're fertility-induced or spontaneous? Does it really make a difference? Is it really any of your business? Worse is the implication that if they were fertility-induced it was my own, irresponsible fault, but if they were spontaneous, well, they're a gift from God and how beautiful that I got such a surprise!

I swear I'm not this cranky in real life. You don't have to believe me, but I really am a rather pleasant person in real life. Anywhozit, enough whining. Thank you all for being awesome.

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Thoughts

I was a bit unfair in my recent FAQ post. I posted all the snarky questions (some of which I'm sure weren't intended in a snarky way, but I'm all hyper-sensitive right now, so there you have it), but I gave absolutely no credit to the overwhelming support that I've received from much of the infertility blogging world. My friends inside the computer are the best people on the planet.

Mel has been especially helpful, as has Marie-Baguette. I've gotten amazingly supportive comments and emails from most of you. Kirby offered to help in anyway possible, even if it meant driving down to Baltimore to meet me. December Baby cracks me up with her comments. Thalia, who has enough to worry about on her own already, has given me some much needed support. Vanessa who is dealing with her own shock at the moment, has still popped in to send me her thoughts. Countless others have popped in out of the woodwork to check in and see how things are going. I wish I could name every single one of you, because honestly, all of you who comment on this blog are awesome. You're articulate, supportive, thoughtful, understanding, and unbelievably wonderful. If I didn't single you out, it's not because you're not awesome, it's because my hands are starting to hurt from all the typing. You all rock my world.

So you see, it really was unfair of me to focus only on the snarky and to ignore all the love and support I've gotten. Still, I think it's telling that at the time what stuck with me was the snarky stuff. I think it's because I was carrying around a lot of guilt. By all rights, I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled beyond thrilled to have hit the infertility lottery. In a lot of ways I am. But it would be lying if I ignored the fact that I'm still utterly terrified. I've now got three strong beating hearts inside of me. That's a lot of responsibility. I don't know how we're going to handle it financially, emotionally, or physically. I don't know where we're going to squeeze them into our house. I can't figure out how on earth to deal with something as simple as childcare, because no matter how expensive childcare will be, it will still be less than my salary, so we can't afford for me not to work. Who wants to take care of triplets? Can you imagine?

And then I remember that I'm getting ahead of myself. I remember my friend who got pregnant a week after I did last summer, only she was pregnant with triplets. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Two weeks later, when she was 13 weeks, she lost two of hers and she's due with a singleton next month. Am I ever going to be able to breathe in this pregnancy? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever stop wondering if walking up that flight of stairs will mean the demise of my future children? Will I ever make it out of the house again? Will I be able to push a triple stroller? How will we deal with the hospital bill? How much of it will insurance cover?

Will we lose our foster son? Will a court side with his mother, who hasn't seen him in 11 months and 4 days, if we end up with triplets? Will they assume that we're now too busy to love our gorgeous boy? I can't imagine life without J. He was supposed to be with us for a year and then either go back to his mother or be adopted by us. Two and a half years later, nothing has changed. I am his mother. I am the one who stays up late with him. I am the one who worries about what he's eating. I am the one who comforts him when he throws up (admittedly, S is the one who actually cleans up the vomit, because, well, ew!). I am the one who feeds him and hugs him and tucks him in and sings to him and wakes up with him poking me. (None of this is meant to take away from the astounding amount that S does… S is a much better parent than I am) But what if we have triplets and some judge decides we simply can't take care of three infants plus J?

It sounds, in my blog, as though I'm walking around in a constant state of terror, but I'm not. This is where I go to vent it all out, but generally, I'm okay. I take a lot of deep breaths. I'm eating a lot of saltines (because seriously? It's what I can keep down now). I'm looking at each step individually. This is how I stay sane-ish.

Next steps:
4/2: Appointment with Perinatologist
4/3-4/10: Pesach, so can't think too much about the triplet factor anyway.
4/12: Appointment with my OB

Probably we'll tell our mothers about this here pregnancy by the end of April. I begrudgingly admit, I probably can't avoid mentioning the triplet part. When we thought we were having twins, S and I had agreed not to tell anyone but my father that there was more than one. But with triplets, I doubt we can avoid mentioning it. It's okay. I just don't want to tell anyone too soon. My father knows because I needed parental advice the day I found out there were three and he's great at objective advice even in completely screwy circumstances.

But see… the last time I was pregnant, I told my mother immediately, because we thought it wasn't real… we thought I was miscarrying. And so I missed her mother's funeral because my doctor didn't want me getting on a plane that week. So I had to tell her. And I was pregnant for three whole months. I was well past the scary part. I was well past the point of worrying whether I would make it all the way to April. No one expected me to miscarry. No one. But when I called my mom from the hospital to tell her what had happened, she sighed and said, "Oh sweetie, I thought that might happen." Nothing could have made me angrier at that moment. Nothing. She knew nothing of the kind. The doctors were shocked! We were all shocked! But she's got to act like she knew all along, which is crap. I had a perfectly perfect ultrasound of a healthy baby five days before. There is no way she "knew" or "thought" it might happen. And if she was sitting around worried it might happen, then she was projecting her own BS onto me, which is so not okay. (My mother had at least 8 miscarriages, most of which were very early, one of which was around three months…. very sad, yes, but also no reason to believe I'll have the same experience… my mother had NO problem GETTING pregnant, only a problem STAYING pregnant. Our circumstances are very different) I just can't bear to have her saying something stupid like that again if something should happen to this pregnancy. And that's why I can't tell her. She won't even know she's being hurtful. That's the worst part.

Two other irritating things and then I'll wrap up this embarrassingly long post. If you make it to the end, I'll give you a cookie. But you'll have to come get it.

The two things that really piss me off when people say them are these:
1. Well, at least you'll be done having kids after triplets!
2. Oh my gosh, triplets… are they natural/spontaneous/fertility-induced?

Let's start with #1: Maybe I won't be done! Maybe I didn't want to have just one pregnancy and poof! be done! Maybe I want a dozen kids (I don't, but still, I could!). Maybe I don't want to think about the fact that I'll be done after that, long before I'd planned on being done. Maybe I don't want to be reminded that I won't get to see my seven-year old interact with my 2 year old interacting with my newborn, like some women get to see. Maybe I don't know whether all three will even make it and then maybe I'll be even less likely to be done with the whole shebang. Maybe it's cruel to act like this is something that can be brushed off like that.

And number 2. Boy that one ticks me off badly. First of all, ALL children are natural. And who the hell cares if they're fertility-induced or spontaneous? Does it really make a difference? Is it really any of your business? Worse is the implication that if they were fertility-induced it was my own, irresponsible fault, but if they were spontaneous, well, they're a gift from God and how beautiful that I got such a surprise!

I swear I'm not this cranky in real life. You don't have to believe me, but I really am a rather pleasant person in real life. Anywhozit, enough whining. Thank you all for being awesome.

Read Full Post »

Graduation

Argh! I had a long eloquent post. I failed to copy to my clipboard (which I usually do) and I clicked “publish” and stupid blogger logged me out and forced me to log in again and lost my post.

GRR.

Short story: three heartbeats 147, 152, and 153. Three fetbryos, all measuring pretty close to exactly right.

Best news ever: Margaret was JOKING when she said, “Hey Dr. Amazing, we were going to tell her about the fourth one today, right?

Rest of story in brief: still haven’t told my mother or MIL about this pregnancy because of the dumbass comments they made after my miscarriage last fall. Not sure if I’m going to tell them before the bar/bat mitzvah (s). Still considering it.

Too tired for more eloquence. I was funny. I was witty. I was eloquent and delightful. Just take my word for it.

Read Full Post »

Graduation

Argh! I had a long eloquent post. I failed to copy to my clipboard (which I usually do) and I clicked "publish" and stupid blogger logged me out and forced me to log in again and lost my post.

GRR.

Short story: three heartbeats 147, 152, and 153. Three fetbryos, all measuring pretty close to exactly right.

Best news ever: Margaret was JOKING when she said, "Hey Dr. Amazing, we were going to tell her about the fourth one today, right?

Rest of story in brief: still haven't told my mother or MIL about this pregnancy because of the dumbass comments they made after my miscarriage last fall. Not sure if I'm going to tell them before the bar/bat mitzvah (s). Still considering it.

Too tired for more eloquence. I was funny. I was witty. I was eloquent and delightful. Just take my word for it.

Read Full Post »

I have a friend who had IVF twins in the Fall of 2005 and is now pregnant with a “whoops” baby (very much wanted, just very much a suprise since she was told she had, at best, a snowball’s chance in hell of conceiving spontaneously). She’s a pediatrician and I call her often for advice with our foster son. She’s a good friend who understands the frustration of infertility, having been there herself. She called me yesterday to apologize for a comment that she’d made that she perceived as possibly insensitive. I hadn’t even remotely remembered her saying any such thing and when she told me what the remark was, I didn’t think it insensitive at all. (She had said something about how this pregnancy was such a joy compared to her last because she got to be surprised by it and didn’t have constant monitoring all the time… didn’t bother me a bit at the time, nor does it bother me now).

I didn’t tell her then that I am pregnant…she lives in my neighborhood, and I just really don’t want people in my neighborhood knowing that I’m pregnant. And anyway, I was about to run off to a meeting with my rabbi and didn’t have much time to mention it anyway.

Oh, right, I met with my rabbi yesterday. Reduction is definitely not an option I love, but I was relieved to hear that it is not an entirely closed issue either. IF there is a specific, significant medical concern about either me or the babies if I keep all three AND one of the fetbryos looks to be less viable than the others, reduction is possible. These are basically the only circumstances under which I really wanted to consider reduction anyway. It is otherwise out of the question, as I suspected. I feel relieved simply to have answers. I was feeling nervous, but good after the meeting and I think I can move forward with the next steps.

I was feeling pretty good in general, actually. Passover cleaning had been going well, I had the teeniest bit of energy (not much, but enough to stay awake), all good. And then WHAMMO! I started throwing up. And couldn’t stop. And still couldn’t stop. And when I wasn’t throwing up I was in pain and praying to throw up. My husband, a pharmacist, wanted me to take some fenergan (I had some leftover from something or other), but I wasn’t convinced I should take it. He asked me for my OB’s number and I wouldn’t give it to him, because that’s ridiculous. Most pregnant women get nausea. Most of those throw up at some point or another. So he suggested I call A (my friend described above) and ask for her advice. “But I haven’t told A I’m pregnant!” So my husband, darling angel that he is, gave me a choice: either I could call A, or he would look up my OB’s number and call himself.

I called A. At work (she was on-call at the Pediatric ER she works at). I felt terribly about interrupting her actual work for something so trivial, but I called anyway.

“So, um, I wasn’t exactly planning to tell you like this, but, um, so… I’m pregnant.”
“Congratulations!” (I’m sure she was wondering why on earth I was calling her at work, which I never do, to tell her this news).
“With triplets.”
“Ohmygosh! When did that happen?”
“uh, well, about, uh, you know, 8 weeks ago…”
“So you’re throwing up all over the place now, right?”
“Well, I hadn’t been until today and now I can’t even see straight and S wants me to take fenergan, but I’m not sure if I can…”
“You can take 25mg every 4-6 hours. If that doesn’t work, call your OB and get Zofran. Also, eat lots of cheerios and ricecakes throughout the day, it will help with the nausea. Don’t let yourself get hungry or it will only be worse.”
“Got it. I just didn’t want to call my OB and say, ‘Oh I’m nauseated’ because EVERY pregnant woman gets nauseated.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. With triplets, you’re expected to be hyper-emetic, and if your OB isn’t sympathetic about that, change OBs. So when are you quitting your job?”

And all was solved. I took the fenergen, threw up fifteen minutes later, but then was able to hold a little food down and I fell asleep. I’ve been munching on animal crackers all day and sucking down water like it’s going out of style, and I’m mostly okay.

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound at Shady Hell, probably my last there before I graduate. I’ll be just about 8 weeks, which is still a LONG way away from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but I guess it is, at least, one small milestone that I can check off my list. Next week is the consult with the perinatologist (they’ll do another ultrasound then, except I’ll be able to keep my underwear on for that one!) and the week after that, I’ll see my OB again (no ultrasound, in all likelihood, but that’s okay). Then the fun begins. Or something.

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You know how I haven’t had much nausea in this pregnancy? Yeah. Um. I lied. A lot. I am very much regretting having been worried about my lack of nausea. YUCK.

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You know how I haven't had much nausea in this pregnancy? Yeah. Um. I lied. A lot. I am very much regretting having been worried about my lack of nausea. YUCK.

Read Full Post »

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