ChezPerky

On Thursday I felt a little sheepish about coming in for a scan a bit early, since the bleeding that had been the whole reason for having such an early scan had largely subsided. On Friday I remembered why it is that God and I aren’t on very good speaking terms these days. I’m not spotting anymore, I’m right back to all-out bleeding, which I discovered while in the middle of an off-site, 4 hour meeting when I couldn’t slip out for extra “provisions” to take care of this problem.

I am trying to remind myself that this is exactly what happened in my last pregnancy and the bleeding in the last pregnancy never pointed to a problem. I’m trying to remind myself that my miscarriage happened at 12 weeks, so early bleeding was of no consequence. I’m trying to remind myself that 20-30% of pregnant women have first trimester bleeding and that 50% of those women carry to term, but when I think about it that way, the statistics actually don’t sound all that promising. I’m trying to remind myself that being alarmist and frantic about this won’t change a thing. Either everything is fine or it isn’t. If it isn’t, there isn’t anything anyone can do about it. I’m trying to remember that.

It’s hard to remember all of that when you are awakened in the middle of the night in sheer agony with cramping that won’t stop. It’s hard to remember all of that when this is all going on. It’s hard to remember all of that when yes, I do have a bladder infection, but my doctor suspects it’s because I might have another kidney stone. Yes, I said “another” kidney stone. I lost count after my twelfth kidney stone. I get them all the time. Oh and hey! There’s nothing I can do about it so long as the evidence points to the possibility that I’m pregnant. Even though, you know, I’m having a really hard time remembering that it’s not over yet.

The worst thing is that if this doesn’t all go South soon, I’m going to look back at this post and think that I’m a complete and total whiner and that I really needed to get a life and quit complaining. Because I have no good reason to believe that things aren’t absolutely fine. Except, you know, that I’m about to buy stock in whatever company manufactures Always pads. But that’s no reason to worry, right? Because apparently, this is what I do when I’m pregnant.

P.S. … is it possible that pregnancy is making my allergy medicine stop working? Could it be? Because it has stopped working entirely. Seems like a really stupid pregnancy symptom.

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On Thursday I felt a little sheepish about coming in for a scan a bit early, since the bleeding that had been the whole reason for having such an early scan had largely subsided. On Friday I remembered why it is that God and I aren't on very good speaking terms these days. I'm not spotting anymore, I'm right back to all-out bleeding, which I discovered while in the middle of an off-site, 4 hour meeting when I couldn't slip out for extra "provisions" to take care of this problem.

I am trying to remind myself that this is exactly what happened in my last pregnancy and the bleeding in the last pregnancy never pointed to a problem. I'm trying to remind myself that my miscarriage happened at 12 weeks, so early bleeding was of no consequence. I'm trying to remind myself that 20-30% of pregnant women have first trimester bleeding and that 50% of those women carry to term, but when I think about it that way, the statistics actually don't sound all that promising. I'm trying to remind myself that being alarmist and frantic about this won't change a thing. Either everything is fine or it isn't. If it isn't, there isn't anything anyone can do about it. I'm trying to remember that.

It's hard to remember all of that when you are awakened in the middle of the night in sheer agony with cramping that won't stop. It's hard to remember all of that when this is all going on. It's hard to remember all of that when yes, I do have a bladder infection, but my doctor suspects it's because I might have another kidney stone. Yes, I said "another" kidney stone. I lost count after my twelfth kidney stone. I get them all the time. Oh and hey! There's nothing I can do about it so long as the evidence points to the possibility that I'm pregnant. Even though, you know, I'm having a really hard time remembering that it's not over yet.

The worst thing is that if this doesn't all go South soon, I'm going to look back at this post and think that I'm a complete and total whiner and that I really needed to get a life and quit complaining. Because I have no good reason to believe that things aren't absolutely fine. Except, you know, that I'm about to buy stock in whatever company manufactures Always pads. But that's no reason to worry, right? Because apparently, this is what I do when I'm pregnant.

P.S. … is it possible that pregnancy is making my allergy medicine stop working? Could it be? Because it has stopped working entirely. Seems like a really stupid pregnancy symptom.

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A few thoughts now that I’ve got a few minutes…

When I called my husband to tell him I’ve potentially got two monsters growing… he responded, characteristically, with “Hooray!” “Hooray??” I demanded, incredulously. “What do you mean hooray?” Somehow it irritated me that my first reaction was “oh sh-t” and his first reaction was “hooray.” Just goes to show how much cooler he is than me. But when I expressed a little bit of concern about the potential for twins, he said, “well, then, I guess you’ve got a present for Dr. Amazing.”

So, right. Twins are cool, right? Sure. And you know, it’s super early and no one actually knows what’s going to happen. I shouldn’t count my fetbryos before they’re hatched or anything. This could turn into one or none. So what’s my problem? It’s so ridiculous it’s embarrassing. I had a lovely email exchange with Mel about it, which summed it up quite nicely, I think:

It’s not that I don’t think twins are great. I love twins. Are you ready for my
sheer stupidity? I am utterly terrified of having a c-section. Twins, of course,
would increase my risk of a c-section. Now, I’m no newbie to surgery, so it’s
not the c-section itself that bothers me. Are you ready for the completely
stupid part of all of this? The thing that’s making it hard for me to breath
just thinking about it? Are you sitting down?, because this is phenomenally
stupid. I am seriously and violently petrified of having a needle in my back.
Spinal, epidural, whatever, I DON’T WANT IT! I’m not even needle-phobic. That’s
the dumbest part. I have no problem with a needle anywhere else.

See? Proof that I’m completely insane. I’m like three seconds pregnant with
maybe-twins and I’m freaking out about an epidural that may never have to happen
(and could happen with a singleton anyway). I am a total nutjob.

And there you have it. I’m a freak. Totally. I should add that my husband, a pharmacist, has never understood my aversion to epidurals. His thoughts are pretty much in line with “when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” He feels like if his wife is in pain and there are drugs that can make the pain stop, then his wife should take drugs. I disagree. This is something we argue disagree about regularly, as I have a tendency to forget that pain medicine can make my chronic pain go away, or at least be slightly less debilitating.

Some more random stuff…

I think I have a UTI. I cannot begin to tell you how much this irritates me (I almost wrote “how much this pisses me off” but realized that was a poor choice of words). I mean, it’s not enough that I have the thirst of a thousand dehydrated maidens? It’s not enough that the consequence of this thirst is that I have to pee all the time? Now it has to be painful when I pee too?? Please to be esplainin’ because I’m really not getting God’s sense of humour on this one. Anywhozit, I talked to my nurse at Shady Hell and asked whether I should call my primary doctor or my OB and she said either one works. Okay then. I have an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow. Yippee.

Speaking of my nurse, she called me this afternoon to schedule my next scan. Dr. Amazing had said to come back in a week, so I’d scheduled it for the 15th. Once I got to work I looked at my meeting agenda and realized that the 15th is NO GOOD AT ALL. My nurse rocks, though, and she rescheduled it for Friday the 16th. She said if I wanted to wait until the 20th, I could have Dr. Amazing. And I really want Dr. Amazing, but I don’t know that I love the idea of waiting that long! The other option was to schedule it for Wednesday the 14th, but I don’t want that for two reasons: 1. Dr. Evil will be covering monitoring that day. Remember him? Yeah. Apparently my nurse doesn’t love him either, though she’s quick to say that from a medical standpoint, he’s great. 2. I want there to be an extra couple of days for growth so that maybe there’s something more useful to see.

Did I mention that I love my nurse? She has IVF twins (teenagers now) and has a real sense of humour about them. So when she called she said, “How’s it going, mom?” And I responded with, “remember how you told me my first beta was 228 and I said ‘there better not be more than one in there…’? and you swore that 228 was a respectable singleton beta? thanks a lot!” So she says, she can’t think of a better person for this to happen to and said that one really has to have a good sense of humour to raise twins without strangling them. I will take that as a compliment. I think. I also told her my epidural fears and she said she was the exact same way. And apparently I’m not the only nutjob out there, because lots of women feel as I do. Or so she says.

And, hey! Let’s not forget that I needn’t worry about any of this yet…. since this could all go south tomorrow! Let the fun begin!

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I had my first OB Ultrasound this morning. It’s way super-early. And the tiny gestational sac might have been bigger even this early…. if there weren’t, you know, um… two of them. So as Margaret, sonographer extraordinaire, put it, I have the potential for twins. But who knows.

And do you know what eloquent words came out of my mouth when she said, “oh look at those“?? Without even thinking before speaking all that came out of my mouth was “oh sh-t.” Yeah. It’s way super-early, like I said. Anything could happen. But for the moment, I apparently have a good excuse for the exhaustion I’m being plagued with.

Oh and we have dinner guests tomorrow and lunch guests on Saturday. No problem.

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I had my first OB Ultrasound this morning. It's way super-early. And the tiny gestational sac might have been bigger even this early…. if there weren't, you know, um… two of them. So as Margaret, sonographer extraordinaire, put it, I have the potential for twins. But who knows.

And do you know what eloquent words came out of my mouth when she said, "oh look at those"?? Without even thinking before speaking all that came out of my mouth was "oh sh-t." Yeah. It's way super-early, like I said. Anything could happen. But for the moment, I apparently have a good excuse for the exhaustion I'm being plagued with.

Oh and we have dinner guests tomorrow and lunch guests on Saturday. No problem.

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A few thoughts now that I've got a few minutes…

When I called my husband to tell him I've potentially got two monsters growing… he responded, characteristically, with "Hooray!" "Hooray??" I demanded, incredulously. "What do you mean hooray?" Somehow it irritated me that my first reaction was "oh sh-t" and his first reaction was "hooray." Just goes to show how much cooler he is than me. But when I expressed a little bit of concern about the potential for twins, he said, "well, then, I guess you've got a present for Dr. Amazing."

So, right. Twins are cool, right? Sure. And you know, it's super early and no one actually knows what's going to happen. I shouldn't count my fetbryos before they're hatched or anything. This could turn into one or none. So what's my problem? It's so ridiculous it's embarrassing. I had a lovely email exchange with Mel about it, which summed it up quite nicely, I think:

It's not that I don't think twins are great. I love twins. Are you ready for my
sheer stupidity? I am utterly terrified of having a c-section. Twins, of course,
would increase my risk of a c-section. Now, I'm no newbie to surgery, so it's
not the c-section itself that bothers me. Are you ready for the completely
stupid part of all of this? The thing that's making it hard for me to breath
just thinking about it? Are you sitting down?, because this is phenomenally
stupid. I am seriously and violently petrified of having a needle in my back.
Spinal, epidural, whatever, I DON'T WANT IT! I'm not even needle-phobic. That's
the dumbest part. I have no problem with a needle anywhere else.

See? Proof that I'm completely insane. I'm like three seconds pregnant with
maybe-twins and I'm freaking out about an epidural that may never have to happen
(and could happen with a singleton anyway). I am a total nutjob.

And there you have it. I'm a freak. Totally. I should add that my husband, a pharmacist, has never understood my aversion to epidurals. His thoughts are pretty much in line with "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." He feels like if his wife is in pain and there are drugs that can make the pain stop, then his wife should take drugs. I disagree. This is something we argue disagree about regularly, as I have a tendency to forget that pain medicine can make my chronic pain go away, or at least be slightly less debilitating.

Some more random stuff…

I think I have a UTI. I cannot begin to tell you how much this irritates me (I almost wrote "how much this pisses me off" but realized that was a poor choice of words). I mean, it's not enough that I have the thirst of a thousand dehydrated maidens? It's not enough that the consequence of this thirst is that I have to pee all the time? Now it has to be painful when I pee too?? Please to be esplainin' because I'm really not getting God's sense of humour on this one. Anywhozit, I talked to my nurse at Shady Hell and asked whether I should call my primary doctor or my OB and she said either one works. Okay then. I have an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow. Yippee.

Speaking of my nurse, she called me this afternoon to schedule my next scan. Dr. Amazing had said to come back in a week, so I'd scheduled it for the 15th. Once I got to work I looked at my meeting agenda and realized that the 15th is NO GOOD AT ALL. My nurse rocks, though, and she rescheduled it for Friday the 16th. She said if I wanted to wait until the 20th, I could have Dr. Amazing. And I really want Dr. Amazing, but I don't know that I love the idea of waiting that long! The other option was to schedule it for Wednesday the 14th, but I don't want that for two reasons: 1. Dr. Evil will be covering monitoring that day. Remember him? Yeah. Apparently my nurse doesn't love him either, though she's quick to say that from a medical standpoint, he's great. 2. I want there to be an extra couple of days for growth so that maybe there's something more useful to see.

Did I mention that I love my nurse? She has IVF twins (teenagers now) and has a real sense of humour about them. So when she called she said, "How's it going, mom?" And I responded with, "remember how you told me my first beta was 228 and I said 'there better not be more than one in there…'? and you swore that 228 was a respectable singleton beta? thanks a lot!" So she says, she can't think of a better person for this to happen to and said that one really has to have a good sense of humour to raise twins without strangling them. I will take that as a compliment. I think. I also told her my epidural fears and she said she was the exact same way. And apparently I'm not the only nutjob out there, because lots of women feel as I do. Or so she says.

And, hey! Let's not forget that I needn't worry about any of this yet…. since this could all go south tomorrow! Let the fun begin!

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First order of Business: Ultrasound tomorrow at 9:15. I’m hoping for good news. Dr. Amazing will be there and I think I’m going to ask him if I can take a baby aspirin every day. No, I don’t have a thrombophilia, but good heavens, my migraines are out of control. Again. And the aspirin, while not a cure, ought to bring the severity down a bit. At least a teeney bit. Or maybe not at all, but I can dream, right? My hope is that we’ll see a gestational sac tomorrow, but it’s doubtful that there will be a visible fetal pole, so there’s not a lot of information to be gained from this ultrasound, but at least it’s something, right?

Second order of business… I forgot to write that the day of my first beta, I embarrassingly ran into a friend of mine at Shady Hell. She was there for her first Day 3 monitoring appointment for IUI w/injectibles cycle. I was there for a beta, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her that. It’s the first time I’ve ever run into someone I know, and this was a pretty random person that I don’t see too often. She seemed pretty mortified, to be honest, which is why I say it was embarrassing. I mean, it’s no secret to most of the free world that I’m a fertility patient, but I’m fairly certain she wasn’t terribly keen on the world knowing about her.

I’m tired of keeping count of orders of business, so I’ll just continue with an update. I thought the bleeding I’d been having had subsided entirely, but I was incorrect. I’m still spotting, particularly late in the day. This is very similar to the brief hiatuses I would have in my last pregnancy… I would go several days with only spotting that was most noticeable late in the day. Then it would come back full force for a week, and so on. Spotting/bleeding I can handle. Cramping I am less thrilled about. I do not like it one bit and I am not appreciating it. I would like it to stop now, please. This is most aggravating because I have a 40 pound three year old monster who is extraordinarily clingy. Unfortunately, picking him up is often required if I want to get anywhere or not listen to heart-breaking screams, but picking him up often causes me intense pain. If this pregnancy makes it into the second trimester, I don’t know WHAT I’m going to do.

I do have a few possible-pregnancy-symptoms. I haven’t had much nausea in a week or so. But I’m still really thirsty (just like last time). Yesterday I was ravenously hungry all day long. This is not normal for me at all. Typically I forget to eat until it gets to be dinner time. Most crushingly, I’m utterly exhausted all the time. Not that this is so different from the normal me, but the normal me can push through the tiredness. Pregnant me cannot. This is particularly troublesome because of the aforementioned three year old foster son.

I have a couple things I’d like to write about, but I haven’t the time right now. This is a rather useless post, isn’t it? Oh well.

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