Yesterday afternoon I was speaking with a coworker about the whole triplet thing. She asked when I'd be leaving and I said probably mid-June and I'd be gone probably until close to the end of the year. She looked horrified and said, "I would expect that you'd be out a good deal longer than that!" I'd certainly like to be, particularly considering that by the time my disability pay runs out, the babies may not even be out of the NICU, but as it stands, I'll likely be back to work in November or December. Still horrified, she said, "but they'll be so young and little! How can you leave them alone!" Well, said I, I won't really have much of a choice about it. It's just the way it is. I will have 8 weeks off and that's all I get.
I didn't realize exactly where she was going with this horror at first. I thought she was empathizing with ME for not being able to take more time to get acclimated to three preemie babies in my house. But then she said, "but what about the babies? What about parenting? What ever happened to that?"
Frankly, she's lucky I didn't punch her. Let's get one thing clear: every family has different needs. Some parents are good parents. Some parents are less good parents. Some stay-at-home parents are terrific parents and some stay-at-home parents are lousy parents. Some working parents are lousy parents and some working parents are terrific parents. Judging me by my so-called "choice" to work after my children come into my life is not fair. No one knows what has gone into this "choice" of ours. Yes, we could move to a less expensive house. And we'd be giving up an amazingly supportive community and the ability to practice our religion in the way that we are expected to (e.g. we would have to move to someplace NOT within walking distance of an Orthodox synagogue). We could give up, you know, food, so that we could pay the mortgage without my salary, but I wasn't thinking that was a great idea either.
We can't afford for me not to work with only one child in our house (a child whose preschool tuition is paid for and whose most expensive needs are covered not by us). How on earth would we afford to pay for FOUR children in our house? Yes, we have some luxuries we could give up, but we don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination and giving up those few luxuries would not be nearly enough to make up the difference in what we'd be losing in my salary. And even if we DID lead an extravagant lifestyle… so what? Why should I have to stay home? Why should it be assumed that I will stay home and not my husband? What if I wanted to work? Okay, admittedly, I don't want to continue working full-time. But I would like to continue working at least part-time. I like what I do (sort of). I like having a field I'm very good at. I would also like having far more time on my hands to spend with my children.
I'm tired of hearing people make assumptions about people's parenting priorities based solely on decisions of day care vs. nannies vs. stay-at-home-parents vs. whatever. It's really none of anyone's business whether I work or want to work or don't want to work or whatever. I am just as dedicated to my childrens' futures as any other parent.
So there.
ChezPerky 
Yes, people need to stop judging. I am sure you will manage to get in adequate “parenting” even while working!
I think it would be ideal if every mother could stay home for as long as she wanted with her kids and have completely flexible hours with both work and daycare options.Sadly, we do live in reality. Truthfully, though, many full-time moms (I don’t like the term SAHM, b/c to be happy being with your kids all day every day, you can’t be staying at home all day every day. You have to be outside among other humans..) are very happy that way, and many decide that a year or two is plenty… it really depends on the mother.
I bet she’s the same kind of person that would bust out the old “Why don’t you just adopt” nonesense. I wonder what makes some people think that they know what’s best for everyone?
I bet she’s the same kind of person that would bust out the old “Why don’t you just adopt” nonesense. I wonder what makes some people think that they know what’s best for everyone?
sounds like a very strange conversation. it’s amazing how so many people don’t think twice about shoving their opinions on you. what works for one does not necessarily work for others. And plenty of our parents worked when we were babies, and I think we turned out just fine!I will be working after the twins too. I’d love to not work full time, but that’s not really an option for us either. Like you – we could drastically change our lifestyle and maybe make it work – but then we wouldn’t be happy. Maybe part time at some point would work out.And I agree with Chris – she probably is one of those ‘just adopt’ types!
I recently stopped working, and have to now deal with the, Oh… so what DOOOOOO you do all day? It ticks me off. I feel that I have rode both sides of the fence (Being a working mom, and a SAHM) and you know what? I honestly can say that while I love staying at home, there are days that I would do anything to go back to work. I miss my friends, I miss my social interaction with adults. I miss feeling that I could blow 50 bucks on whatever, and not feeling guilty about it.It’s a hard world. You are going to be criticized for whatever choice you make.
I recently stopped working, and have to now deal with the, Oh… so what DOOOOOO you do all day? It ticks me off. I feel that I have rode both sides of the fence (Being a working mom, and a SAHM) and you know what? I honestly can say that while I love staying at home, there are days that I would do anything to go back to work. I miss my friends, I miss my social interaction with adults. I miss feeling that I could blow 50 bucks on whatever, and not feeling guilty about it.It’s a hard world. You are going to be criticized for whatever choice you make.
I agree with you
You showed remarkable restraint by not drop-kicking that woman where she stood. I’m sure you had health of your trips in mind when you made the decision not to send her across the room. Bravo. Were you able to keep a straight face while you explained HOW THE WORLD WORKS?
You showed remarkable restraint by not drop-kicking that woman where she stood. I’m sure you had health of your trips in mind when you made the decision not to send her across the room. Bravo. Were you able to keep a straight face while you explained HOW THE WORLD WORKS?
Playing devil’s advocate here.I can somewhat understand the perspective, especially since she knows you’re having triplets.These children are going to require an extraordinary amount of time and energy to thrive – not that they can’t without you, but with any preemie, the healthiest thing for them would be to have you with them.So yeah, as a blanket statement regarding all parents, I think it’s rather judgmental and rude, but I can definitely understand the concern based on your specific situation and the unique needs your children are going to have.
Seriously, what a jackhole. I would have cold cocked her. (Actually, I would have let my three-year-old do it and then would say “Oopps, there’s that lack of parenting again! Off to work I go …”
Seriously, what a jackhole. I would have cold cocked her. (Actually, I would have let my three-year-old do it and then would say “Oopps, there’s that lack of parenting again! Off to work I go …”