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Archive for the ‘Lupron’ Category

The Best Kind of Support

I had lunch with LJ today and feel a million times better than I did before I saw her. We talked about the evils of Lupron. This pervasive headache. The sleeplessness, but the everpresent exhaustion. The headaches. The moodiness. The headaches. It’s torturous, really. “It’s not just me, right?” It’s totally the Lupron, she assured me. Thank God, I said, because I swear my husband’s probably going to divorce me if this is the New Me.

We talked about the suckiness of the suckitude. She empathized. She provided support. She assured me that I would return to being a normal human being with emotional control. A good wife and mother who loves her husband. It would happen, she promised, once I wasn’t on these god-forsaken drugs anymore. “But while you’re on Lupron? You’re a saint, your previously perfect husband can do nothing right. That’s the way it is. He’s evil, you’re perfect. It’s not you; it’s the Lupron.”

And I said, “And the worst part is, I don’t get to drop my dose! No sirree. I’m still on 20 units a day! Most people get to drop to 5 when they start stims!”

Her face fell into a state of shock. She reached over and held my arm. “Oh my God!” she gasped. “Oh honey! I don’t know how you’re standing up! I started out at 10! I’m not exaggerating when I say I would have been entertaining thoughts of suicide on 20 units a day!”

And suddenly, it fell into perspective. The headaches that slice through my head like a piece of glass jutting diagonally through my skull. The bitchiness. The lack of an emotional thermostat. The inability to empathize with my husband. It’s not (entirely) me.

I do hate whining about it. I know that I made a choice to do this. I know that I have children already. I know that I consciously decided that my family was not yet complete. I know, therefore, that I am the one choosing to bestow these side effects upon myself. But that doesn’t make these piercing headaches any more pleasant. And it probably doesn’t make my husband enjoy me any more than he would otherwise. I know I brought this on myself. I know that I could make it all stop by simply – stopping all the drugs, right now. It would all go away. And with it, my dreams would fade as well.

So I’m going to try to stop whining about these damn headaches. And I’m going to TRY to be nicer to my husband. And I’m going to TRY to stop worrying about being so tired. Because it IS true… I did bring this on myself.

But I make no promises…. because my head? really, really, really does hurt.

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You’ll be happy to know my husband and I have kissed and made up, so to speak. We’re all good. I no longer think he’s the devil, though he probably thinks I am. Meh.

In less happy news, these headaches are killers. They suck. Seriously. LJ’s right – Forget torture devices, Lupron should be used to get international spies to break.

Man this sucks.

7:45am appt. for monitoring tomorrow. My so-called “Lupron Evaluation.” This time to ensure that, for once, my ovaries are NOT perky. This will be a switch. Fun!

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Okay, Really? Is all this emotion really necessary? Like the estrogen in the BCPs wasn’t bad enough? I cried all day Monday, Tuesday, and most of Wednesday. My nurse pretty much said I could blame that on the estrogren in the pill. Whee! Hopefully, she said, things would be better on Lupron. I started Lupron Wednesday. Now, honestly? I don’t feel any different on the Lupron (not so much with the crying, though, which is good). I feel completely normal. But my husband sure can’t stop screwing up. And can it seriously ALL be him? (I mean, sure, it COULD be – but since he’s a damn near PERFECT husband most of the time, I am going to pretend for ONE second that maybe, JUST maybe this could be the Lupron talking here – okay, now I’m done giving him any slack, yeah, it’s all him and he’s just a big old poopy head).

Anyway, we’ve been fighting since Thursday. And I will say, he started it and it was all his fault that we started fighting. But honest to murgatroid, in the six+ years that we’ve been married we have never had a fight that’s lasted this long. Ever. I am quick to anger, but VERY quick to get over it (he’s the opposite of me – very, very slow to anger, but takes a while to cool down). Now, he did say something to me that crossed a line, but the fact that I’m still not over it is a little ridiculous. And I’m sitting here telling myself to get the eff over it and yet? Not over it.

And hey, remember how I said I don’t feel any different on the Lupron? I totally lied. I’ve got this ridiculous headache that won’t go away. It’s not a migraine. Migraines I can handle. It’s this dumb sharp pain that … I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like it’s slicing diagonally through my head. I don’t like it. Probably that is not helping my mood either.

I do not like being cross.

I do not like being whiny.

I do not like being so damn irritable and irrational.

I do not like that I can’t just talk myself out of this one.

For the love of ALL that is holy, when is this going to stop?? Those of you who’ve been through an IVF cycle before… please clue me in. (Note that when I start stims, my Lupron dose will not be going down… it’s staying at 20 units, but I’m not sure for how long… and then, of course, night of egg retrieval, I start estrace, so MORE ESTROGEN YAY!, and oh boy won’t those PIO injections be fun??)

Hey, imagine if I’m still screaming at my husband when I have to start trusting him to be jabbing me with a 1 1/2 inch 22 guage needle in the ass? Oh yeah. I think I’d better go make nice with him. NOW.

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And So It Begins


So although I was supposed to start taking my Lupron on Monday (whoops), a couple days isn’t the end of the world (even though it DOES mean two more days of the evil BCPs!), so I was given marching orders to start taking it today. Of course, my protocol has me taking Lupron in the morning, and I didn’t find out about this until, oh, 2 o’clock-ish.

No problem, because as much as the clinics all like you to *think* that the timing on these meds is super-duper important, the fact of the matter is, there’s plenty of room to fudge it. So really, it’s all good. Just for good measure, I emailed my nurse to make sure and she said it was fine to take it when I got home today, then take tomorrow’s dose around noon, and then Friday’s dose on my morning schedule. Fine. No problemo.

Meanwhile, technically speaking, I shouldn’t have been allowed to have gotten any of this started, because technically speaking, they don’t have my current pap smear on file (I just had that done this week, results aren’t in yet), my ID bloodwork isn’t back yet (I just had that drawn yesterday, and the labwork from The Hatchery hasn’t been faxed over yet), etc. But they trust me. Heh. Oh, and then there’s the fact that both of us are supposed to have taken doxycycline within the past year. I took Doxycycline in November before my HSG, so I’m covered. But they’d asked me if my husband had taken any sort of antibiotic in the last year and I’d said, “sure, I think so.” He wasn’t so sure, so I told my nurse that today and she said, “Yeah, we need to get right on that.”

So anyway, I get home to take the Lupron. Bear in mind, I’ve never taken Lupron before. And we didn’t take an injection class, because, seriously? Why would we? So I’m looking over the stuff, and it’s a multi-dose vial, with insulin syringes, etc. Easy. Except then I start realizing I’m not sure I understand the unit of dosage. My instructions say 20 units. But what KIND of unit? I call my husband and ask if he’s close to home. Fortunately, he’s just pulled into the driveway. It is handy having a pharmacist for a husband. So he came down and explained to me like I’m a five year old that “unit” was exactly the word they’d intended to use because some medicines are measured in “units of activity” or some such thing. Whereas I’d thought they were using some nebulous, non-exact unit of measurement, it turned out, they were using the technical term, and if I’d looked at the syringe, I would have seen that the syringe also had things labeled as “units” so my minor panic attack was unwarranted.

He showed me how much to draw up and then stepped far away from the needle I was waving all around (sorry honey!) as I tried to remember how to do all this. Seriously, you’d think this was like riding a bike, right? I mean, one subcutaneous injection is just like any other, RIGHT? But it’s been like 2 YEARS, people! And man, the needles on insulin syringes? They’re way bigger than I remember. (I mean, they’re not big, but they’re way bigger than the follistim needles)

Anywhozit, aside from having to shoo my eldest away a few times, it went smoothly and in plenty of time to let my nanny go for the night. Tomorrow will be trickier because I’ll have to take it at work since I’m supposed to take it at noontime, which presents two separate problems: first, now that it’s been opened, the Lupron has to be refrigerated. We do have a refrigerator at work, but … sheesh. Secondly, doing this in a cramped bathroom stall? Not my idea of fun. Nevertheless, it’s not like I haven’t done it before!

And now, the requisite IVF Med shot:


Not pictured is my Follistim Pen, which I forgot to include.

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Turns out, my nurse had emailed me a protocol and Lupron start date… oh… Friday and Saturday. And she’d updated it on Monday. Turns out, I was supposed to have started the Lupron on Monday. Whoops.

See, and I hadn’t wanted to be a big pest about it, even though on Friday she had said she was going to definitely work on the protocol and email it to me and sure had make it sound like she was going to have it that day. I just figured that she was getting push back from the doctor or the clinic calendar or something. And I feel like I pester her enough, so I hadn’t wanted to keep bugging her.

Well, it turned out she’d been spelling my email address wrong, but it hadn’t been bouncing back to her, so some other perky chick is getting emails about IVF protocols from some random nurse at Ye Olde Fertility Clinic wondering what the *bleeping bleep* this is all about!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I was supposed to have started Lupron on Monday. Um, whoops? That’s okay, there was no frickin’ way I could have picked up my drugs on Monday anyway. Monday was a cluster-*bleep* of a day, the worst possible of Mondays, and I was a total, blubbering mess, incapable of coping with life. (Hey! It turns out, that’s thanks to the estrogen in the pill… isn’t it going to be fun when I start taking estrace at egg retrieval time?? Whee!)

So I’m going to take the Lupron as soon as I get home (was supposed to be this morning). Then I’ll take it around noon tomorrow. And Friday I’ll take it in the AM on schedule. This will get me back on schedule. And Friday will be the last day I have to take this God-forsaken BCP. The thing I’m REALLY bitter about is that if I’d known I was to start Lupron on Monday, TONIGHT would be my last BCP!! Gah.

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