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Seriously? I mean, really?

Posted in my stupid body, pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 15, 2007| 3 Comments »

I keep going back to the comments on my original triplet post. Many comments are checking to see if I'm serious. Wait. Are you serious? Honestly, I'm still not sure I'm serious. I mean, how ridiculous would THAT be? I can't be pregnant with triplets. That's the most assinine thing I've ever heard. But that picture… that scan… that's my uterus in that picture. Surely it can't be? Obviously I will wake up soon, right? RIGHT?

I hate to sound like a broken record, and I expect that several posts to come will all sound the same and for that I apologize, but I still don't know what to think or feel. I didn't even know what to think or feel about there being twins at the first scan. How exactly is triplets supposed to be clear-cut, emotionally?

If I have triplets, I'm guaranteed three seriously premature babies. Best case scenario? I get three, three-pound babies. And that's if all goes perfectly. I cannot begin to tell you how much that terrifies me. That is the best case. I cannot keep out of my head visions of three pound babies. I just can't. I cannot believe that come September, I could be faced with that for real. Yes, September. Because no way are triplets making it to November. (I'm theoretically due the first week of November, hah!)

Mostly, I'm in pain. Physical pain. I know some cramping is normal in pregnancy, and I imagine that cramping with three in there would be, oh, three times worse than a typical pregnancy. But this is really ridiculous. This is doubling-over-in-pain kind of cramping. This is me not being able to load the dishwasher because that would require bending over kind of pain (mighty convenient, that one). My hips, believe it or not, already feel like they are trying to spread out. Everything is all out of whack. Everything hurts. My migraines are unbelievably out of control now, and there's nothing I can really take for them that will help. I had a serious anxiety attack yesterday because my husband's car died and now we have to buy a new one sooner than I'd hoped and I don't know how we're going to pay for it, and the anxiety only made my head pound more, my abdomen cramp more, my back ache more. And you know the best part? You can't take any anxiety medication when you're pregnant. I very rarely have anxiety attacks. I was given Ativan years ago when I had a malfunctioning gallbladder and couldn't sleep through the pain. I was pretty pissed off to be handed anxiety medicine for sleeplessness, but it turned out to really work. Now I'm pretty pissed off that I can't take any Ativan now.

I don't really need a scan tomorrow, but I'm going in for one anyway. I'm going to carefully explain to Margaret that if she even THINKS she sees four, she is not to say a single word about it to me. Maybe I should just wait until Tuesday when Dr. Amazing is back. Actually, it doesn't matter, I'm seeing Dr. Amazing on Tuesday regardless of whether I go in for a scan tomorrow. I may as well get another scan just for fun anyway. If she sees four, I'll die on the spot.

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A Fine Question

Posted in my stupid body, pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 14, 2007| 6 Comments »

Anonymous writes:
Is it only the implantation that has been causing the bleeding? Might you have had multiple implantations and losses early on in the other pregnancy? What information are you being given about the bleeding?

This is a great question. And the answer is, I don’t know. One theory is that I could be bleeding from implantation , but I gotta say… I don’t have a lot of faith in that theory. There’s an awful lot of bleeding, in my admittedly uneducated opinion, to blame only on implantation. Beyond that, who knows?

Could I have had multiple implantations and losses early in the other pregnancy? It’s doubtful because in my last pregnancy, I literally had ONE mature (16mm) follicle and nothing more. All the others had shrunk away to unmeasurable levels. This pregnancy there was a maybe-leader and a whole lot of close followers (16.4, 15.4, 14.2, 14.2, 14.0). Gosh I feel really stupid now. We should have just cancelled the cycle. In the case of the last pregnancy, multiple implantations and losses definitely doesn’t cover it, because I had consistent bleeding for 12 weeks. Had there been other implantations that I was losing, they would have shown up on ultrasound.

But as for what information I’m being given on the bleeding… not much. Not any actually. Just the possibility of implantation bleeding, which doesn’t make enough sense to satisfy me. They can’t find a reason for the bleeding on ultrasound and they are therefore unconcerned. Easy for them to say. I’m the one dealing with it.

What else? A couple people have asked me how far along I am… I’m at about 6 weeks gestation, with variances depending on who you ask. Another popular question is when is my next scan? I don’t have to go back in until Tuesday, but I’m going in on Friday so that I don’t spend all weekend assuming that life is all doom and gloom. I don’t expect Friday’s scan to yield any interesting results. I don’t expect fetal poles or heartbeats by then, but I expect there may be something more interesting to see on Tuesday. If not, that’s when I’ll worry. Not that I’m not worrying now.

My question is… at what point do I mention this little predicament to my OB? And will he be able/willing to see me if this stays triplets? I’d feel stupid calling now only to find out I’m down to one or two by the time I “graduate” from the RE’s office. But I wouldn’t want to not have a plan in place for my next appointment once I graduate from the RE’s office either. Decisions, decisions.

On another note, a small part of me is really irrationally angry with Shady Hell right now. I know that IUI made the most medical sense in terms of avoiding costly, invasive procedures if we could… but if someone had just let me have my way and went straight to IVF after the miscarriage…. the odds of triplets right now would have been infinitessimal. We never would have transferred three embryos and we would have had to have a very, very good reason to transfer even two. This is not Shady Hell’s fault. They did do the responsible thing in giving me the guidance that they gave me. But I’m still upset about it.

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A Fine Question

Posted in my stupid body, pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 14, 2007| 4 Comments »

Anonymous writes:
Is it only the implantation that has been causing the bleeding? Might you have had multiple implantations and losses early on in the other pregnancy? What information are you being given about the bleeding?

This is a great question. And the answer is, I don't know. One theory is that I could be bleeding from implantation , but I gotta say… I don't have a lot of faith in that theory. There's an awful lot of bleeding, in my admittedly uneducated opinion, to blame only on implantation. Beyond that, who knows?

Could I have had multiple implantations and losses early in the other pregnancy? It's doubtful because in my last pregnancy, I literally had ONE mature (16mm) follicle and nothing more. All the others had shrunk away to unmeasurable levels. This pregnancy there was a maybe-leader and a whole lot of close followers (16.4, 15.4, 14.2, 14.2, 14.0). Gosh I feel really stupid now. We should have just cancelled the cycle. In the case of the last pregnancy, multiple implantations and losses definitely doesn't cover it, because I had consistent bleeding for 12 weeks. Had there been other implantations that I was losing, they would have shown up on ultrasound.

But as for what information I'm being given on the bleeding… not much. Not any actually. Just the possibility of implantation bleeding, which doesn't make enough sense to satisfy me. They can't find a reason for the bleeding on ultrasound and they are therefore unconcerned. Easy for them to say. I'm the one dealing with it.

What else? A couple people have asked me how far along I am… I'm at about 6 weeks gestation, with variances depending on who you ask. Another popular question is when is my next scan? I don't have to go back in until Tuesday, but I'm going in on Friday so that I don't spend all weekend assuming that life is all doom and gloom. I don't expect Friday's scan to yield any interesting results. I don't expect fetal poles or heartbeats by then, but I expect there may be something more interesting to see on Tuesday. If not, that's when I'll worry. Not that I'm not worrying now.

My question is… at what point do I mention this little predicament to my OB? And will he be able/willing to see me if this stays triplets? I'd feel stupid calling now only to find out I'm down to one or two by the time I "graduate" from the RE's office. But I wouldn't want to not have a plan in place for my next appointment once I graduate from the RE's office either. Decisions, decisions.

On another note, a small part of me is really irrationally angry with Shady Hell right now. I know that IUI made the most medical sense in terms of avoiding costly, invasive procedures if we could… but if someone had just let me have my way and went straight to IVF after the miscarriage…. the odds of triplets right now would have been infinitessimal. We never would have transferred three embryos and we would have had to have a very, very good reason to transfer even two. This is not Shady Hell's fault. They did do the responsible thing in giving me the guidance that they gave me. But I'm still upset about it.

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But seriously folks….

Posted in pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 13, 2007| 8 Comments »

You didn’t think I was serious, did you? Triplets? My worst nightmare? Are you kidding me? You’re DARNED RIGHT I WAS SERIOUS. Could I seriously make this stuff up??? Yes, I really did have that nightmare. And yes, it really did play out exactly the same way in real life less than 6 hours later.

And seriosly, HOLY COW! I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. I’m not sure I’m even thinking yet. I’m excited, and terrified, and pissed off, and happy, and stunned, and did I mention pissed off and terrified yet? Because those are the predominant emotions I’m feeling right now. Once again, I think I expressed myself better in a recent email to Mel than I could do otherwise, so I will simply quote the email I wrote in response to her thoughtful query. She offered to get me in touch with some triplet moms, which is awesome (but terrifying), and asked how I was doing. Here was my response:

Right. So I don’t know how I am. I’m pretty freaked out right now. Like completely freaked out right now. Like I have no idea what to think at all. One of the sacs is smaller than the others, so my nurse thinks it won’t make it. I’d like to say that would make me terribly sad, but I’m not convinced it would. I think it’s small because it implanted later, and I suspect that has no bearing on whether it will survive. Half of me hopes it doesn’t, the other half of me feels like a rotten, ungrateful, evil person for thinking that.

I’m not sure yet whether it would be jumping the gun to talk to triplet moms. I can hardly count on this remaining a triplet pregnancy. Certainly I don’t have a terrific history with pregnancy so far (only one pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage at 12 weeks, then this one that so far has gone from: “hey, you’re pregnant” to “hey you are probably miscarrying” to “hey it’s twins” to “hey, look! there are three!”). Who knows what will happen. I have a friend who got pregnant a week aftet I did last summer. She got pregnant with triplets. She’s due next month, but only a singleton remains… she lost two at 12 weeks. So I don’t know what to think. I don’t know whether to sit around planning for triplets, or just wait and see.

I know I’m blathering. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this. I know I should feel like I hit the jackpot. But I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I will lose all three. I’m terrified that I’ll end up with three. I’m terrified of having almost a guarantee of severely premature babies. I’m terrified of the consequences of that. I’m terrified that I’ll get used to the idea of triplets and then lose one, two, or all three of them. I’m terrified that I’ll never get used to the idea of triplets and I’ll still end up with triplets. I’m terrified that someday my three beautiful children will find out I really didn’t want triplets in the first place and that part of me actually hoped they wouldn’t all make it. And I feel stupid for being terrified about something I have no control over.

And you know what else I am? I am pissed off because I’m still bleeding. A lot. And I wasn’t at all during my ultrasound today and I hate that they probably think I’m making a big stink about nothing (even though they’re careful not to suggest such a thing). I am, however, grateful that my nurse isn’t calling me a nutjob for wanting to come back on Friday (my originally scheduled appointment for this week) AND next Tuesday when Dr. Amazing will be back. At least she’s letting me come in for ultrasounds pretty much whenever I feel like it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m released to a real OB and can’t get my ultrasound fix on a regular basis. And that’s another thing that pisses me off… I love my OB. Can he handle triplets? Or will I be stuck with a perinatologist that I don’t know and don’t like? If I don’t get to have MY OB I’m going to be ticked. Seriously.

And there’s me getting ahead of myself again. Sorry for venting at you. It’s your fault for asking!

And that’s pretty much where I am right now. Freaked out, worried, terrified, pissed off, and slightly (SLIGHTLY) excited. Mostly, terrified. And there goes ALL hope of avoiding an epidural. This is so not okay. I really, really, really, really don’t ever want a NEEDLE IN MY SPINAL COLUMN! I’m not kidding! What a stupid thing to be upset about right now. Oh right. There’s also “how in the heck are we going to afford triplets?” and “Holy Cow, we need a new car, and where exactly is the money for THAT coming from?” Suffice it to say, freaked out is a good way to put it.

As for exact details, I think the two larger sacs were about 9mm and the smaller sac was 6mm. All three had visible, measurable yolk sacs, but I don’t remember how big they are. No fetal poles visible yet, but that wasn’t a surprise. They’re awfully small yet. No heartbeats yet. Also not a surprise, nor is it cause for concern.

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But seriously folks….

Posted in pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 13, 2007| 10 Comments »

You didn't think I was serious, did you? Triplets? My worst nightmare? Are you kidding me? You're DARNED RIGHT I WAS SERIOUS. Could I seriously make this stuff up??? Yes, I really did have that nightmare. And yes, it really did play out exactly the same way in real life less than 6 hours later.

And seriosly, HOLY COW! I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I'm not sure I'm even thinking yet. I'm excited, and terrified, and pissed off, and happy, and stunned, and did I mention pissed off and terrified yet? Because those are the predominant emotions I'm feeling right now. Once again, I think I expressed myself better in a recent email to Mel than I could do otherwise, so I will simply quote the email I wrote in response to her thoughtful query. She offered to get me in touch with some triplet moms, which is awesome (but terrifying), and asked how I was doing. Here was my response:

Right. So I don't know how I am. I'm pretty freaked out right now. Like completely freaked out right now. Like I have no idea what to think at all. One of the sacs is smaller than the others, so my nurse thinks it won't make it. I'd like to say that would make me terribly sad, but I'm not convinced it would. I think it's small because it implanted later, and I suspect that has no bearing on whether it will survive. Half of me hopes it doesn't, the other half of me feels like a rotten, ungrateful, evil person for thinking that.

I'm not sure yet whether it would be jumping the gun to talk to triplet moms. I can hardly count on this remaining a triplet pregnancy. Certainly I don't have a terrific history with pregnancy so far (only one pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage at 12 weeks, then this one that so far has gone from: "hey, you're pregnant" to "hey you are probably miscarrying" to "hey it's twins" to "hey, look! there are three!"). Who knows what will happen. I have a friend who got pregnant a week aftet I did last summer. She got pregnant with triplets. She's due next month, but only a singleton remains… she lost two at 12 weeks. So I don't know what to think. I don't know whether to sit around planning for triplets, or just wait and see.

I know I'm blathering. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. I know I should feel like I hit the jackpot. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I will lose all three. I'm terrified that I'll end up with three. I'm terrified of having almost a guarantee of severely premature babies. I'm terrified of the consequences of that. I'm terrified that I'll get used to the idea of triplets and then lose one, two, or all three of them. I'm terrified that I'll never get used to the idea of triplets and I'll still end up with triplets. I'm terrified that someday my three beautiful children will find out I really didn't want triplets in the first place and that part of me actually hoped they wouldn't all make it. And I feel stupid for being terrified about something I have no control over.

And you know what else I am? I am pissed off because I'm still bleeding. A lot. And I wasn't at all during my ultrasound today and I hate that they probably think I'm making a big stink about nothing (even though they're careful not to suggest such a thing). I am, however, grateful that my nurse isn't calling me a nutjob for wanting to come back on Friday (my originally scheduled appointment for this week) AND next Tuesday when Dr. Amazing will be back. At least she's letting me come in for ultrasounds pretty much whenever I feel like it. I don't know what I'll do if I'm released to a real OB and can't get my ultrasound fix on a regular basis. And that's another thing that pisses me off… I love my OB. Can he handle triplets? Or will I be stuck with a perinatologist that I don't know and don't like? If I don't get to have MY OB I'm going to be ticked. Seriously.

And there's me getting ahead of myself again. Sorry for venting at you. It's your fault for asking!

And that's pretty much where I am right now. Freaked out, worried, terrified, pissed off, and slightly (SLIGHTLY) excited. Mostly, terrified. And there goes ALL hope of avoiding an epidural. This is so not okay. I really, really, really, really don't ever want a NEEDLE IN MY SPINAL COLUMN! I'm not kidding! What a stupid thing to be upset about right now. Oh right. There's also "how in the heck are we going to afford triplets?" and "Holy Cow, we need a new car, and where exactly is the money for THAT coming from?" Suffice it to say, freaked out is a good way to put it.

As for exact details, I think the two larger sacs were about 9mm and the smaller sac was 6mm. All three had visible, measurable yolk sacs, but I don't remember how big they are. No fetal poles visible yet, but that wasn't a surprise. They're awfully small yet. No heartbeats yet. Also not a surprise, nor is it cause for concern.

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