ChezPerky

Despair

July 11, 2008 by chezperky

I don’t know how to write this post. I always dream that I’m an eloquent writer, but in my heart I know that I lack the words to adequately articulate my true thoughts and meaning when it matters the most. I hope you’ll understand that my mere words here cannot possibly express the heartache that I’m feeling today. This has not been a good week for babies. I have three stories to tell you.

Miracle Baby
I’ve written before about a friend of mine, though I’ve never used her name. After a struggle with infertility, in January she had a beautiful baby girl, Bailey. Bailey was born at 28 weeks gestation, at a mere 460 grams. That is less than 1 pound (480 grams = 1 pound). Bailey is a miracle baby. She is the first baby ever to survive under 1 pound at the hospital she was born at. She is a miracle to have come into her mother’s life after a struggle with infertility. Shortly after being born, Bailey developed a blood clot and had to have part of one arm amputated below the elbow. But she was doing okay. She was weaned from her ventilator, she was gaining weight. She needed to be 4 1/2 pounds to go home, I think. But she ended up back on her ventilator, though she continued to grow. Last week, she had a trach put in, in hopes that she would be able to go home with the trach eventually. She is 5 1/2 months old and she’s never called anyplace other than the NICU "home."

Yesterday, Bailey wrote the following in her CaringBridge blog:

Mommy FINALLY
got to hold me yesterday for the first time since May. However the
celebration was short lived. I took a turn for the worse and had to go
up on all of my settings last night.

Today
I was really sick and the Dr. told my mommy he didn’t think I was going
to survive because my body is growing but my lungs are not. My lungs
are damaged from being so premature and from being on the vent for so
long. My heart is having to work so hard to circulate blood thru the
tiny vessels in my severly scarred lungs. The Dr. said he didn’t know
how much more my heart could take.

Mommy
told me that Doctors do NOT know everything and that I am a child of
God. God has a plan for me that even the Doctors cannot predict and
with the help of all of my family and friends God will protect me and
heal me in ways this place has never seen.

This is simply a "rough patch" for me so please..EVERYONE stand by me, keep the Faith and travel this road with me.

I am heartbroken, but still hopeful for Bailey. She is already a miracle baby. What’s one more miracle?

Baby M
My friend J was a tremendous source of support to me through my struggle with infertility. She was the ONLY person in my community who I told about my blog and who I gave the gory details of our fertility treatment to. While I’m very open about the fact that we sought treatment, I don’t talk about the specifics with many people in my community. J is special. She had some difficulty getting pregnant with her first child, but finally got pregnant after her HSG, before having to move on to actual treatment. N is her beautiful daughter, now 1 1/2 years old. J told me she was pregnant while I was still struggling to get pregnant the first time, with such sensitivity and caring – in a way that no one else has ever managed before. I really appreciated it. I was overjoyed for J when I found out she was expecting #2.

I was heartbroken for J when she found out 2 months ago that her baby had a serious heart defect which would require multiple heart surgeries to treat, and would affect the baby for the duration of his or her life. The baby was missing the right ventricle of the heart. While this is better than missing the left ventricle, it is still not a good thing. J and her husband knew that their baby would need at least two surgeries (at 4-6 months and later, I think around 18 months), but were hoping to avoid the first surgery that not all babies need, immediately after birth.

J was overjoyed when her daughter, M, was born two weeks ago and didn’t need the first surgery. The first hurdle was cleared. So long as her oxygen level didn’t dip too low, they were told, they could treat Baby M like any other normal baby, just with more doctors’ appointments. Thank G-d.

Unfortunately, this week, M’s oxygen levels were dipping into the 50’s and 60’s and she was readmitted to the hospital. Although the doctors have attempted to treat her with medication to
stabilize her oxygen levels, it was decided yesterday that M would have
surgery this afternoon. The surgery will entail putting in a shunt
to assist with the flow of blood to her lungs. The surgery takes about
an hour and a half, not including all the prep and close time.
(somewhere around a total of 4 hours). M will go into the Cardiac
Intensive Care Unit, with the average hospital stay being approximately 2
weeks.

Unfortunately, that won’t be the end of J’s nightmare; as M will come home needing more monitoring, medications, and follow up care. She’ll still need two more surgeries and a lot more care. I cannot imagine how incredibly difficult this is on everyone involved.

Triplet B
Last month, a new-found friend of mine delivered her triplets at the hospital Seth works at. I packed up my preemie clothes for her and sent them in with Seth. I talked with her about feeding schedules and pumping and NICU survival tips. I squealed at the idea of visiting her beautiful girls. I can’t wait to meet them, really, but I’ve been waiting until some of the hubbub dissipates, because I remember what those early days were like and I wish some people had waited until I was really READY way back when.

Today, I called to talk to my friend and her mother answered the phone. Recognizing who I was, she told me that E was not home. In fact, E was back at the hospital with Triplet B. Poor B stopped breathing last night due to what they believe may be severe reflux. The small local hospital transferred B back to the big hospital where B was delivered and they’ve seen the episodes occur again as well. Severe reflux is, of course treatable. Unfortunately, according to E’s mother, it seems they think they may also be seeing some seizure activity as well. I didn’t get as many details on this, because at this point, E called in on the other line, so I didn’t get to finish talking. I’ll check in later.

This is not a good week for babies, and I’m just terribly heartbroken. I’m sure each one of these babies could use your extra thoughts and prayers today. I wish my words were more powerful, more adequate, more eloquent. But as insufficient as they are, I hope they convey how important these three little lives are. These babies deserve the world.

NOTE: Except for Bailey, I’m not posting anyone’s names because I wasn’t given permission to do so. I’m sorry if this obscures the readability, but the stories are important, all the same.

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

Addendum to Nursing

July 10, 2008 by chezperky

Anna asked the following question:

I don’t understand why you have to quit nursing…I know several people that have continued to nurse during pregnancy…..

In order for me to get pregnant, I will have to return to Ye Old Fertility Clinic. In fact, as I’ve stated quite clearly in my posts, I will be pursuing IVF (with single embryo transfers!). Before the fertility clinic will even start testing to pursue a new cycle, I must have stopped breastfeeding.

Yes, fertile myrtles breastfeed during pregnancy. People who get pregnant while nursing without Assisted Reproductive Technology continue to nurse while pregnant. It’s not for lack of trying that I’m not pregnant right now, but you know what? I’m not a fertile myrtle. As I’ve said before, it took five years, twenty thousand dollars worth of treatment, a late miscarriage, and a vast error in judgment on my doctors’ parts to get my triplets. I have no guarantees that I will EVER get pregnant (and stay that way) again. And I don’t know how long it will take if I am able to achieve pregnancy again. Waiting is an option, but for how long? And at what cost?

So yeah, I could nurse while I’m pregnant. If, you know, I could GET PREGNANT. You know, if only that tiny little detail weren’t so darned difficult for me.

Edit: Anna, sorry for jumping all up and down you. It’s not the question I have a problem with. It’s the tone you take with your questions… in my blog and elsewhere. You might consider that next time. Thank you for your comments on this post; they’ve helped give me a little more perspective.

Posted in Infertility sucks a giant black hole of suckiness | 7 Comments »

Nursing

July 10, 2008 by chezperky

My babies are nine and a half months old. Do you know what that means? It means they are rapidly approaching a year. How is that even remotely possible? How did this happen? With the rapid approach of their first birthday, and the dramatic changes in their eating patterns recently (much more solid food, much less milk intake), I’ve been sadly collecting my thoughts about … (*gulp*) weaning. Ohmygosh. Just typing that word makes my eyes brim up with tears. I never thought I’d be this attached to breastfeeding – particularly with triplets. While I’ve grown a little tired of my pump (Maggie Moo), I’m not sure I can imagine the day I actually decide to put her away for good (until the next time?). In fact, the very thought of it, though I have thought of it, makes me physically ill.

Nevertheless, the time is coming and will be here sooner than I know it. There are some things that I’ll definitely miss.

Sam, no matter how frantic he is beforehand, will snuggle right in and calm down immediately once he finds exactly the right position. Lately, though, he’s taken to wanting to nurse in the MOST awkward positions: his most preferred position is to be kneeling in front of me, which isn’t comfortable for me AT ALL; if he can’t kneel, he wants to lay on his stomach facing me… I don’t know if you can QUITE imagine how awkward a position this is, but trust me, it’s awkward. Still, once he’s settled, he snuggles and snoozes and eats to his heart’s content; he’s so lovable, it’s hard to deny him this simple pleasure, even if it IS very uncomfortable for me. Lately, at night, he’s fallen asleep nursing, and I know they say never to nurse a baby to sleep, but it’s so yummy, and I don’t care what "they" say, it works for us.

Ellie, despite all her problems in the beginning, is no longer failing to thrive. She’s a champion nurser and so much calmer than her brother. While Sam will frantically and voraciously climb toward me, Ellie patiently waits for me to be ready, but then eats like it’s her last meal ever! She holds my thumb with her little hand while she’s nursing and doesn’t let go and she crosses her little feet down on my other side and it’s so adorable. When she’s done, she’s so drowsy and calm and beautiful I sometimes just stare at her until I realize how much else I have to do, but I never feel like I’m wasting time staring at my precious baby. This is time I earned, after all. This is time I begged for. If I don’t enjoy it now, time may slip away and I’ll miss it all together.

While I rarely nurse them together anymore – they’re too big and unwieldy and seem to prefer the individual attention anyway – the times when I do it I realize that it truly is something I should do occasionally, because they are so precious together. They each eat at their own pace, with their own style, but together they form one unit, as their hands find each other in the middle. When they grow tired of holding hands, sometimes Ellie will place her hand on Sam’s head and just hold it there; if she moves it, he starts to fuss and doesn’t calm down until either her hand is replaced or their hands find each other in the middle again. The same thing happens if I nurse one on one side and bottle feed Abby on the other side, if I lay her down football-style on the side of my lap. It’s a thing of beauty, really, to see them so attached to each other.

Even Abby, though she doesn’t nurse, gives me reason to pause. She still shows a true preference for my milk versus formula, which gives me the strength to keep pumping, even on the days when I can’t figure out how to fit it in. I find the time, because I know little Abigail loves my milk and drinks it happily, while fussing if given formula. While I’m sorry that I ever had to do any supplementing at all, I know that I did the best that I could. Abby almost never gets any formula anymore, because her preference gave me the strength to re-double efforts to pump and pump often, no matter what. Sam and Ellie do still get supplemented some, but far less than they used to, particularly since their volume of milk intake is going down now that they’re eating three pretty sizable solid food meals per day.

All of these things make it very hard for me to even consider weaning a possibility. I so want to just let them dictate to me when they’re done. But I admit, it’s getting harder, and with everything going on with the J-man it’s even harder still. So, my guess is that I’ll be shelving Maggie Moo in late September, and slowly (oh so slowly) moving Ellie and Sam to a point where they don’t nurse at all after that. I’m sure I will sob and sob when the time comes.

I’ll miss the time I have with my babies. I’ll miss the closeness and the snuggliness I have with my babies. I’ll miss knowing that my body isn’t, for once, betraying me, but rather, finally doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing. I’ll miss being able to directly nurture my babies – Oh I know I’ll still nurture them in a myriad of other ways, but it’s different, and you know it, too. I’ll miss knowing that I can, in an instant, fix all the world’s ills at least in my son’s universe, just by moving my shirt up and letting him snack. I’ll miss being their favorite. I’ll miss watching them snooze on my lap in a milk coma. I’ll miss all that and more.

Still, there are things I won’t miss…

Have you ever heard of Raynaud’s Phenomenon? It’s something I’ve dealt with all my life, but I never actually thought much about it. Until, you know, I gave birth. Did you know Raynaud’s Syndrome can affect you while breastfeeding, too? Ouch. I won’t miss that. Seriously, it bears saying again: Ouch.

I won’t miss the constant battles with thrush that we had for the first six months.

I won’t miss the several bouts of mastitis that I had.

I won’t miss that mysterious pain that I had several times that no one ever managed to explain (though I didn’t mind seeing the young, hot OB/GYN to help diagnose…or fail to diagnose… the problem).

I won’t miss being bitten, or scratched, though I know that the babies don’t intend to hurt me.

But I’ll still miss it. And I’ll still be so sad when we move on to a new chapter of our relationship. I cannot believe that they are old enough for me to even consider that word. That evil W word. And if I didn’t so desperately want another baby to share my love with, I might not even be willing to consider that horrible word, but I know that everything I do in my life is a choice, and a matter of balancing options. You take some bad with all good, and for me, nursing has been a world of good.

Posted in breastfeeding | 16 Comments »

Fiji?

July 7, 2008 by chezperky

Okay, I think it’s seriously cool that I have a reader in Fiji. FIJI!

I don’t know WHY I think that’s any cooler than the fact that I have readers in New Zealand, Australia, South Africa, Germany, Spain, Italy, Great Britain, France, Florida, California, Minnesota, Texas, or Norway, but I do think it’s nifty. Hey, why don’t I have any readers in South America?

Actually, I also think it’s cool that I have a reader in Saskatchewan. In fact, the reader in Saskatchewan got me thinking… She’s 760km from her nearest IVF clinic, so should IUIs not work for her and should she need a referral to the IVF clinic, can you imagine that commute? It makes me very grateful for the many advantages I have for living in a major metropolitan area, where I have at least five relatively major fertility clinics within a reasonable driving distance (some more convenient than others) and many other "minor" independent clinics. If I extended my radius to 760km… I’m not sure I could count that high. So, thank you, dear reader, for reminding me of my many blessings. And best of luck to you on your next cycle. I’m thinking of you and I hope you don’t mind me disclosing any of these details for all to read, however anonymously I did so.

I think I’d like to visit Fiji some day. I’d visit Australia if it weren’t for the giant spiders. *shiver* Does Fiji have giant spiders? If so, I can’t go there. Maybe New Zealand. I like sheep. Are there spiders in New Zealand? I would think not. Sheep are too warm and fuzzy to associate with spiders, don’t you think?

Come to think of it, I’m not much of a beach person, so why would I want to go to Fiji? Maybe New Zealand is better. Still, doesn’t Fiji sound relaxing? I think I need to relax.

Posted in blogarama | 14 Comments »

Still Posting

July 6, 2008 by chezperky

I'm still posting at my new blog, so if you're wondering where I am… I'm over there, and you're missing all the fun. Email me for the new URL!

Posted in blogarama | 8 Comments »

Standing Up

July 5, 2008 by chezperky

Since I showed a video of Ellie, I should show you what Abby and Sam were up to while Ellie was busy practicing her elocution:

[sorry – I took the slideshow out because I couldn’t get it to edit the music out no matter what I did, and I was irritated that it auto-plays the slideshow every time I load my blog page, so I have to hear the blasted music every time. It’s annoying, so until I can fix it, the slideshow is gone. Suffice it to say, it was a slide show of Abby and Sam standing at the kitchen gate and it was very cute!]

Posted in Picture Palooza | 8 Comments »

Ellie “talks”

July 5, 2008 by chezperky

I’m tired of talking about ADHD, though I sitll have plenty to say. (We had a crappy day today, how about you?)

So how about my other kids? Hooray for Syllables! Ellie is becoming quite expressive. That’s Sam in the background chiming in, I believe.

Posted in parental brag videos to bore you with_ | 6 Comments »

Success? Or, Too Good to Be True?

July 3, 2008 by chezperky

The skeptic in me says it’s too good to be true. Last night, before stories and bed, I reminded the J-man about today’s new morning routine. A few of you asked me what the new morning routine is, so here it is, in a nutshell:

Get Up

Put on "sticker" (patch – his medicine is now contained in a patch delivery system rather than a pill/capsule)

No Milk Before Breakfast (this is a change and we expected this to be the first fight today, because he customarily had a cup of milk waiting for him in the fridge first thing in the morning)

Pick Out Clothes

Get Dressed

Use the Bathroom (he’s the one who insisted that this had to be in this order, even though it flies in the face of logic to have this after getting dressed and not before)

Eat Breakfast / Have Milk (breakfast time is nearly always a fight in our house)

Brush Teeth (I expected a fight here, too, since brushing teeth is always a fight in our house)

Choice: TV / Read Books / Play Time

Get Shoes On (Getting shoes on is nearly always a fight in our house, so we always leave it for last)

Go by 8AM (this can vary, but our average is 8AM)

Astoundingly, none of the fights that we anticipated materialized. J didn’t actually eat his breakfast, and was dismayed later when I wouldn’t let him have it, but there were no tantrums, no arguments, no tears, and nothing but smooth transitions. Go figure. Somehow I get the feeling not every day will be this easy. But for today? I’ll take it.

Of course, one of the reasons today worked so well is I wasn’t planning on going in to the office, so I didn’t need to get myself ready, but it was still good to know that it CAN be done.

Posted in ADHD | 7 Comments »

Are They ALL Yours?

July 2, 2008 by chezperky

So at my appointment with ye ol' Developmental Pediatrician this morning, I forgot to bring my checkbook. I *hate* being "that" woman. That disorganized woman who can't get herself together and have all her ducks in a row when she leaves the house in the morning. HATE IT. So I told Dr. S. I would drop a check off in the afternoon and he said, "Or just drop in the mail, whatever."

I'm short a nanny today; she called in sick because she fell down a flight of stairs yesterday, poor thing. I'm not feeling well myself, so I wasn't planning to go in to work (I didn't go in yesterday either), so it's not the end of the world, though I feel terribly for her. Seth had stayed with the babies while I was at the pediatrician's office and was home through lunchtime. After he left, I got the babies down for their afternoon nap and went to get some work done and spoke (AGAIN) with Dr. S. about J's school placement for next year because we haven't settled that yet.

I felt like a terrible mother while on the phone because Abby, who hadn't settled down for her nap yet, was screaming her head off. I told Dr. S. that I was feeling like the world's worst mother (AGAIN) and he said, "Let's make something very clear: You are a very good mother. You have a very challenging four and a half year old and triplets on top of that. That's a lot to handle and I'm not sure I'd handle things any better than you are! You're doing a phenomenal job." I think Dr. S. is going to get real tired of us REAL SOON NOW. (Abby, by the way, did not settle down on her own, as Dr. S. promised she would. After I got off the phone with him, I went down held her for a minute, put her back in her crib and she went right to sleep)

The babies took the longest nap in the universe. Sam woke up at 3 and the girls didn't wake up until 3:30. By 4, everyone was fed and packed up into the car and I was realizing how stupid it was to drive out into rush hour traffic to deliver a check, but I though it would be a fine opportunity to go buy some baby gates and we'd have PLENTY of time to get home for dinner and bed. Hah, I say, Hah! So I drove off to deliver the check to ye ol' Developmental Pediatrician's office and from there went to Buy Buy Baby where I met my mother and J, so that she could push a cart while I pushed a stroller so that I could buy some baby gates.

This was a huge, HUGE, HUGE mistake. As soon as J was in the store, he started begging for a toy and I said no (not in a mean way, but I was firm that he wasn't getting a toy – I did buy him a pair of goggles and two lightning mcqueen booboo cold pack thingies, but he just got two new toys yesterday and I do NOT need more stuff in my house). I was not there to buy toys, I was there to buy baby gates, so it's not like I was flaunting baby toys in front of him either. I was just buying baby gates. And J threw a fit of epic proportions.

And my mother. My mother. Did. Not. Help.

She stood there telling him that he could pick out something that he wanted for his birthday (meaning, we wouldn't be buying it today – his birthday is in September). Hello? The kid has ADHD. Kids with ADHD have no sense of time. They have no ability to work with delayed gratification. Even if you don't know this about ADHD because you haven't read the manual yet, you've known THIS kid for nearly four years and you know that THIS kid does not function well with delayed gratification! He's been nicknamed "Instant Gratification Lad" since we got him! So this proposal only infuriated him more.

I'm talking throwing himself on the floor, kicking, screaming, crying, threatening, begging, pleading. People staring, store employees offering candy. It was not pretty. So I gave up on finding all the gates I needed, settled for three that I knew would work for the immediate needs I had and we made our way to the front, which is how I get to the title of this post.

There I am with three babies, a screaming J-man, and a mother pushing a cart full of baby gates. And a store employee sees the three babies and says, "Oh my gosh, are they ALL yours!" (completely ignoring J, and pointing specifically to the three babies)

And I actually said it.

"No, really, I just enjoy going out with three random infants. It's fun for me."

She was flustered for a second, but quickly recovered and was fawning all over the babies, all the while J was screaming his head off. Literally, I think.

As it turned out, we got lots of attention, and lots of help, and the store employees helped me check out, followed me out to the car with my cart, loaded everything into the van, and took the cart back for me, which was fabulous, considering the screaming J-man. Actually, it was fabulous even NOT considering the screaming J-man. But leaving the store only infuriated J even more (if that's possible?) and we could not safely get J across the parking lot to the cars. I swear, I almost called Dr. S. to find out what the hell to do, but seriously? That man has GOT to be sick of me by now. And really? I had to have done SOMETHING without him before, right? I survived without him before June, so I need to be able to stand on my own to legs now.

Meanwhile, it's now 5:30. J's fit has gone on for 45 minutes. Ellie's had a critical diaper failure and I'm changing her poopy diaper in my car. My mom finally got J to my car sort-of-safely, but he's fighting her every inch of the way. He's still screaming bloody murder. NOTHING will calm him down. We can't let go of him, for fear that he will dash back across the parking lot to get back into the store (he is still harboring hopes that if he gets back into the store, he can have a toy). It's past 5:30 at this point. 5:30 is the triplets' dinnertime. They are starving and starting to scream, but J won't get into a carseat. Given a choice between my car and Grammy's car, he won't make a decision. I make the decision for him and try to get him into my car, but he is stronger than me, literally, and there is NO getting him into a car seat against his will. He's almost four feet tall (I'm only five feet tall) and almost 50 pounds, and VERY strong. I have no way of controlling him when he's like this. I tell him he has no choice, and my mother chimes in, "It's okay, do you want to go to Grammy's car?" Thanks a lot, mom. Thanks for not contradicting me.

My mother took J to her car (just two cars down) and looked like she was doing okay, so I started to leave with the screaming trio, but as I was leaving, I realized that she still didn't have J in the car, so I pulled behind her put the hazards on and got out of the car. J took one look at me and settled down into his car seat. I was really deadly calm, so I don't know what he was scared of, but he must have known I was very serious by that point. By then a car had pulled up behind my van and the woman inside was glaring at me, in lieu of pulling around my van (plenty of room to do so).

We did, of course, get home. The babies did, of course, get fed. They were very difficult to get down to sleep because they were over tired. J was extremely emotionally labile until HIS bedtime and very hard to get down, but all is well. They are all sleeping peacefully now, at last.

Are they ALL mine, indeed? Yep. All four of 'em. Glare all you want. I work hard for these kids. See if YOU can do any better.

——————————————
P.S. When I got home, there was a message from Dr. S. on the voicemail:
"Hi this is Dr. S. I just wanted to say Thank You for dropping off the check today, but that was completely uneccessary. Next time if that happens [Note: I hope there won't be a next time] you can just drop it in the mail. You've got more than enough on your plate. I hope you didn't make a special trip out. Gosh. You're, well, you're good people. Just, you know, don't do it again. Thank You."

Posted in ADHD, J-Man | 12 Comments »

Everyone’s Schedule But My Own

July 2, 2008 by chezperky

The J-Man had an appointment with ye ol’ Developmental Pediatrician this morning. While there, we set up his new and improved morning routine schedule to be followed from here to eternity, like it or not. So there. This new schedule is a tool for us to use as part of the behavior management portion of managing J’s ADHD. We discussed with J the things which should be included on the schedule and the order in which things should be included as well. Suffice it to say, it looks good on paper, but J is not going to be happy the first time (or, likely, the 20th time) this schedule gets put into place for real. Nevertheless, we are told to remain firm and unwaivering in our enforcement of a consistent schedule.

So this schedule is gold and stands above all else, including the triplets’ schedule. Gulp. Do you know how hard I’ve worked to have a predictable schedule for the triplets in the morning? To which the pediatrician smiled that devious little smile that boiled down to, "I know and that’s irrelevant to this discussion." For this exercise, he said, you will fit the triplets’ schedule into J’s schedule, not the other way around. It’s only fair, I suppose. The J-man has had to work his way into their schedule for 9 months now, right? It’s about time that he gets to take precedence.

Once we’d finished working out the schedule, Dr. S and I pulled out our calendars to set up our next appointment sans the J-man. "What’s that?" J asked, pointing to Dr. S’s appointment book.

"That’s my schedule. You have your schedule and I have mine, see?" Dr. S answered.
"What’s that?" J asked, pointing at my appointment book.
"That’s my schedule," I replied, but then I looked a little more closely. "Or, rather, this is everyone else’s schedule, which seems to dictate mine. See? Here’s your appointment, and there’s Abby and Ellie’s physical therapy appointment, and there’s Abba’s staffing schedule and Abba’s learning schedule, and there’s your dentist appointment, and there’s your playdate, and Sam & Abby, and Ellie’s therapy appointment, and my physical, and … I guess my schedule is just pieces of everyone else’s schedule fit together to make mine."

"So what works for you for follow up?" Dr. S. asked, peering at his own calendar.
"I am at your disposal."
"No, seriously, tell me what works best for you."
"Well, mornings are best as early as possible, I suppose."

And so, we carved out our next meeting time and we were on our way. We said goodbye to Frisky the Gerbil and made our way back to the car. I pondered what it meant to not have a schedule of my own and I realized… that’s just what it is to be a mom and that’s what I waited for all these years.

Posted in ADHD, motherhood ... at last | 1 Comment »

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