My babies are nine and a half months old. Do you know what that means? It means they are rapidly approaching a year. How is that even remotely possible? How did this happen? With the rapid approach of their first birthday, and the dramatic changes in their eating patterns recently (much more solid food, much less milk intake), I’ve been sadly collecting my thoughts about … (*gulp*) weaning. Ohmygosh. Just typing that word makes my eyes brim up with tears. I never thought I’d be this attached to breastfeeding – particularly with triplets. While I’ve grown a little tired of my pump (Maggie Moo), I’m not sure I can imagine the day I actually decide to put her away for good (until the next time?). In fact, the very thought of it, though I have thought of it, makes me physically ill.
Nevertheless, the time is coming and will be here sooner than I know it. There are some things that I’ll definitely miss.
Sam, no matter how frantic he is beforehand, will snuggle right in and calm down immediately once he finds exactly the right position. Lately, though, he’s taken to wanting to nurse in the MOST awkward positions: his most preferred position is to be kneeling in front of me, which isn’t comfortable for me AT ALL; if he can’t kneel, he wants to lay on his stomach facing me… I don’t know if you can QUITE imagine how awkward a position this is, but trust me, it’s awkward. Still, once he’s settled, he snuggles and snoozes and eats to his heart’s content; he’s so lovable, it’s hard to deny him this simple pleasure, even if it IS very uncomfortable for me. Lately, at night, he’s fallen asleep nursing, and I know they say never to nurse a baby to sleep, but it’s so yummy, and I don’t care what "they" say, it works for us.
Ellie, despite all her problems in the beginning, is no longer failing to thrive. She’s a champion nurser and so much calmer than her brother. While Sam will frantically and voraciously climb toward me, Ellie patiently waits for me to be ready, but then eats like it’s her last meal ever! She holds my thumb with her little hand while she’s nursing and doesn’t let go and she crosses her little feet down on my other side and it’s so adorable. When she’s done, she’s so drowsy and calm and beautiful I sometimes just stare at her until I realize how much else I have to do, but I never feel like I’m wasting time staring at my precious baby. This is time I earned, after all. This is time I begged for. If I don’t enjoy it now, time may slip away and I’ll miss it all together.
While I rarely nurse them together anymore – they’re too big and unwieldy and seem to prefer the individual attention anyway – the times when I do it I realize that it truly is something I should do occasionally, because they are so precious together. They each eat at their own pace, with their own style, but together they form one unit, as their hands find each other in the middle. When they grow tired of holding hands, sometimes Ellie will place her hand on Sam’s head and just hold it there; if she moves it, he starts to fuss and doesn’t calm down until either her hand is replaced or their hands find each other in the middle again. The same thing happens if I nurse one on one side and bottle feed Abby on the other side, if I lay her down football-style on the side of my lap. It’s a thing of beauty, really, to see them so attached to each other.
Even Abby, though she doesn’t nurse, gives me reason to pause. She still shows a true preference for my milk versus formula, which gives me the strength to keep pumping, even on the days when I can’t figure out how to fit it in. I find the time, because I know little Abigail loves my milk and drinks it happily, while fussing if given formula. While I’m sorry that I ever had to do any supplementing at all, I know that I did the best that I could. Abby almost never gets any formula anymore, because her preference gave me the strength to re-double efforts to pump and pump often, no matter what. Sam and Ellie do still get supplemented some, but far less than they used to, particularly since their volume of milk intake is going down now that they’re eating three pretty sizable solid food meals per day.
All of these things make it very hard for me to even consider weaning a possibility. I so want to just let them dictate to me when they’re done. But I admit, it’s getting harder, and with everything going on with the J-man it’s even harder still. So, my guess is that I’ll be shelving Maggie Moo in late September, and slowly (oh so slowly) moving Ellie and Sam to a point where they don’t nurse at all after that. I’m sure I will sob and sob when the time comes.
I’ll miss the time I have with my babies. I’ll miss the closeness and the snuggliness I have with my babies. I’ll miss knowing that my body isn’t, for once, betraying me, but rather, finally doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing. I’ll miss being able to directly nurture my babies – Oh I know I’ll still nurture them in a myriad of other ways, but it’s different, and you know it, too. I’ll miss knowing that I can, in an instant, fix all the world’s ills at least in my son’s universe, just by moving my shirt up and letting him snack. I’ll miss being their favorite. I’ll miss watching them snooze on my lap in a milk coma. I’ll miss all that and more.
Still, there are things I won’t miss…
Have you ever heard of Raynaud’s Phenomenon? It’s something I’ve dealt with all my life, but I never actually thought much about it. Until, you know, I gave birth. Did you know Raynaud’s Syndrome can affect you while breastfeeding, too? Ouch. I won’t miss that. Seriously, it bears saying again: Ouch.
I won’t miss the constant battles with thrush that we had for the first six months.
I won’t miss the several bouts of mastitis that I had.
I won’t miss that mysterious pain that I had several times that no one ever managed to explain (though I didn’t mind seeing the young, hot OB/GYN to help diagnose…or fail to diagnose… the problem).
I won’t miss being bitten, or scratched, though I know that the babies don’t intend to hurt me.
But I’ll still miss it. And I’ll still be so sad when we move on to a new chapter of our relationship. I cannot believe that they are old enough for me to even consider that word. That evil W word. And if I didn’t so desperately want another baby to share my love with, I might not even be willing to consider that horrible word, but I know that everything I do in my life is a choice, and a matter of balancing options. You take some bad with all good, and for me, nursing has been a world of good.
ChezPerky 
This post brought tears to my eyes, both for the emotion you have for your children and nursing them, and for the thought of one day having to wean my son. I don’t wanna! I may be that mom that nurses her middle-schooler.
Just sayin.
Oh my gosh – tears running down my face. Your description of your babies holding hands/heads was so touching.
Those moments of pure love are what kept me going when nursing got off to such a bad start for me. When I’m standing in the bathroom at work pumping and becoming so enraged at how craptacular my employer is about finding a space I can use instead of the freaking bathroom, that’s what keeps me going.
Ditto Radish – I’ll also be that mom nursing her middle-schooler. The thought of weaning my baby is like a knife in my heart.
And we nurse to sleep every night too 🙂 She hasn’t sprouted a second head yet so I think it’s fine. “They” can all eff off.
My heart aches for you at the mention of the w word… my little one–well, at 27 months he’s no longer so little–weaned a few weeks after his second birthday and I am still sad over it, 2.5mths later. I was hoping to tandem nurse, but a miscarriage and then somehow (??!!??) conceiving again immediately after put a serious dent in my supply. I secretly hope that he will still remember how to latch again come October…
And fwiw, we nursed to sleep for almost two years… my LO has no second head, either 😉
All I can say is that while I’m sure you’ve given a lot of thought to this already, if you’re not ready to wean Sam and Ellie (and providing you don’t feel bad about no longer pumping for Abby), then put maggie away in September and continue to nurse for as long as you’re comfortable…
You know, this is so beautiful to read. I mean, what a lovely connection and bond you have with those babies. Really precious, and you’ve obviously pushed through so many obstacles and have now such great reults. Thanks for sharing these sweet thoughts with us.
Oh what you said about Ellie and just staring at her…. melts my heart, that’s what I catch myself doing with Kacey. I also stop sometimes and think of all the “stuff” I could do around the house but staring at her on my breast is something for just a short time. This post makes me so sad but happy at the same time. Don’t you wish everyone knew how wonderful bfing is?
Your post is absolutely beautiful…you’re an amazing mom!
My aunt has Raynaud’s Syndrome and has had it for years. She has never once complained about it, but I feel so bad for her when I see her blue fingers.
*sigh* I just weaned my 20 month old on June 14th and *sigh* you made me miss it all over again. Not that I’ve stopped missing it!! I stupidly chose a dumb time to wean, while we’re moving and while Daddy went on ahead to house hunt. He got through it no problem, but me…I know I could have used to late night comfort nurses 🙂
You’ve done AMAZING and you are a huge inspiration to women everywhere. Seriously…your body has kicked some serious tushie…and those kids better appreciate it when they’re older 😉 Of course they won’t…until they become parents!!
Ruby stopped nursing almost a week ago – and I’m still in denial. Well, not total denial, I did throw out my nursing bras. But I still keep thinking she’ll want me back!
The babies together while nursing/eating? So endearing.
First, I wanted to say thanks for the comment regarding pumping. It seems like even now the DH takes it for granted and has started to say things like ‘Gosh it seems like you are always pumping” when in fact, being down to four pump is NOT always pumping. But since they are still about 1/2 hour each it’s still two solids hours a day of it.
I have been thinking about the W word too, but I am further behind the game than you are. At this point I am still looking forward to shelving the pump and hoping that her reflux will get better and that she won’t have a problem with cow’s milk. “Okay, we have passed the middle mark, now it’s only four and half more months to go, plus whatever we have in the freezers and time for weaning.”
Unlike your angels, Morella seems to think of eating as a necessary evil. I get maybe one bottle a day out of her that she seems contented by…but now that she is more mobile I can only get her to take three ounces before she starts squirming to get out and then the last three ounces are freaking battle! I am starting to think I can’t wait until she can hold her own bottle so that she can determine the speed at which she wants to drink a bottle.
I also wish I could figure out how to break of her the “warm bottle” habit. She won’t touch it if it isn’t perfectly right. Maybe sludge is better to handle when it’s warm. I don’t know.
I sometimes miss the fact that we couldn’t nurse and the she doesn’t like to cuddle, but maybe she’ll get cuddly later. And maybe the next baby (i hope) can nurse.
I think I might have stronger feelings the sooner the one year mark comes. I mean geez, you are only two and half months away…big difference than four and half months. 😉
I don’t understand why you have to quit nursing…I know several people that have continued to nurse during pregnancy…..
so, so sweet and so well said. i love nursing my babies…it is the very reason i am still pumping.
I have very similar feelings towards nursing and you captured it all so well – I’ll have to make sure my wife reads your blog today. You are my BF inspiration! You have done such an amazing job breast feeding your triplets and your dedication to BF should be celebrated! Your children are very lucky. It’s such a delicate balance deciding when to wean and cycle again. Good luck with that decision.
So sorry to hear about the Reynaud’s of the breast. Ouch is right. I don’t think I ever realized you could get it in the breasts, although now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense. Ouch again – so sorry. Yet one more reason why you should be given some sort of BF award.
Oh and BTW – I nurse Hudson every night to go to sleep. The big deal w/ nursing to go to sleep is that you don’t want them to become dependent on that to fall asleep so that if they wake up in the middle of night, they are able to fall asleep on their own and don’t “need” to nurse to fall asleep. Hudson seems to do just fine falling asleep at naps and when he wakes up in the middle of the night. And heck, even if he did need me, so be it – I say whatever works for you and makes you (and babies) happy!
*big tears streaming down my face*
Karen, you are my hero – I think you are amazing. I TRULY miss nursing my babies and it aches me sometimes. I can imagine that feeling being so much more intense after doing it for so much longer like you have! You have accomplished so much!!!
This was sweet!
Lurker here… You are an inspiration to me! I’ve nursed my twins for the last 18 months while working full time. I always felt like I was the only one (everyone else I know went to formula when they went back to work) and many told me it just wouldn’t be possible for a woman’s body to produce enough milk for twins. Well, I’m glad to say I proved them all wrong and I love pointing out the fact that I know of someone who is nursing triplets!
The last 6 months have been especially hard because I get pressure in every direction to “wean those babies already!” But since my husband insists that we are done having children (we have 4 girls) and these will more than likely be my last babies I find I am having the hardest time giving up our nursing relationship. Even though I don’t like the pumping all that much, it’s still my way of connecting with my babies during the day when I’m at work, so I’m still doing it.
Nursing has always been my favorite part of being the mother of an infant – it’s so special to me. And facinating – cuz WOW! Can you believe our bodies can grow such beautiful babies? HOW COOL IS THAT!!!!?????!!!!!