I don’t know why but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the miscarriage that I had in October 2006. Time passes so quickly – it’s hard to believe it was so long ago. It was almost exactly two years ago that I got pregnant that time, for the first time. And almost exactly two years ago that my grandmother died, and I didn’t go to the funeral because I was spotting and my doctor didn’t want me on a plane, but then the pregnancy stuck around and everything was fine, and I made it to a heartbeat and I was told I had a 95% chance of carrying to term, and I graduated from ye old fertility clinic, and I had appointments with the normal, boring OB/GYN like a normal pregnant woman, not a crusty old infertile. And then I hit 12 weeks, and SURELY I was golden. I mean, sure, I was still spotting, but everyone said that was NO BIG DEAL.
But the spotting yielded to gushing and mind numbing cramping and the cramping yielded to contractions and then a nightmare ER visit, and a blur to a D&C with my amazing OB/GYN.
And that nightmare? I can live with that. I can. I honestly don’t sit around thinking about due dates and the singleton that wasn’t, for without that miscarriage, my triplets wouldn’t be here. I do think about the day of the miscarriage, but I don’t think so much about it as a baby that was lost as a day of trauma that I survived.
Except for one thing.
The thing that really gets to me? That I just can’t seem to get over? The thing that’s just eating away at me for some ridiculous reason? The so-called "products of conception" were mishandled in the emergency room. And I can handle not knowing if there was a genetic reason for the miscarriage. I can handle not knowing if there was a weird trisomy or monosomy or whatnot.
But (and I’m not certain why), I really wish I knew if it was a boy or a girl. I cannot for the life of me figure out why this would help me put some closure on the whole matter, but I just *know* that it would.
Two years is an awfully long time for something so stupid to haunt me, don’t you think?
ChezPerky 