Archive for July 25th, 2008

Thoughts Meandering

I don’t know why but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the miscarriage that I had in October 2006.  Time passes so quickly – it’s hard to believe it was so long ago.  It was almost exactly two years ago that I got pregnant that time, for the first time.  And almost exactly two years ago that my grandmother died, and I didn’t go to the funeral because I was spotting and my doctor didn’t want me on a plane, but then the pregnancy stuck around and everything was fine, and I made it to a  heartbeat and I was told I had a 95% chance of carrying to term, and I graduated from ye old fertility clinic, and I had appointments with the normal, boring OB/GYN like a normal pregnant woman, not a crusty old infertile.  And then I hit 12 weeks, and SURELY I was golden.  I mean, sure, I was still spotting, but everyone said that was NO BIG DEAL.

But the spotting yielded to gushing and mind numbing cramping and the cramping yielded to contractions and then a nightmare ER visit, and a blur to a D&C with my amazing OB/GYN. 

And that nightmare?  I can live with that.  I can.  I honestly don’t sit around thinking about due dates and the singleton that wasn’t, for without that miscarriage, my triplets wouldn’t be here.  I do think about the day of the miscarriage, but I don’t think so much about it as a baby that was lost as a day of trauma that I survived.

Except for one thing.

The thing that really gets to me?  That I just can’t seem to get over?  The thing that’s just eating away at me for some ridiculous reason?  The so-called "products of conception" were mishandled in the emergency room.  And I can handle not knowing if there was a genetic reason for the miscarriage.  I can handle not knowing if there was a weird trisomy or monosomy or whatnot. 

But (and I’m not certain why), I really wish I knew if it was a boy or a girl.  I cannot for the life of me figure out why this would help me put some closure on the whole matter, but I just *know* that it would.

Two years is an awfully long time for something so stupid to haunt me, don’t you think?

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Hey, someday when I happen to have more sleep and more time on my
hands, remind me to tell you how the events of this week all managed to
converge in such a way that I happened to end up with my grandfather
staying with us for a week (and his little dog, too!), my
mother-in-law’s damn cat in my house, and 13 people for dinner tonight.

It’s quite a funny (and aggravating) story.  Did I mention I have four
kids?  And that I’m allergic to dogs?  And cats?  And that we already
have 2 cats of our own?

I think my house is beginning to look a bit like a clown car.

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