I don’t know why but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the miscarriage that I had in October 2006. Time passes so quickly – it’s hard to believe it was so long ago. It was almost exactly two years ago that I got pregnant that time, for the first time. And almost exactly two years ago that my grandmother died, and I didn’t go to the funeral because I was spotting and my doctor didn’t want me on a plane, but then the pregnancy stuck around and everything was fine, and I made it to a heartbeat and I was told I had a 95% chance of carrying to term, and I graduated from ye old fertility clinic, and I had appointments with the normal, boring OB/GYN like a normal pregnant woman, not a crusty old infertile. And then I hit 12 weeks, and SURELY I was golden. I mean, sure, I was still spotting, but everyone said that was NO BIG DEAL.
But the spotting yielded to gushing and mind numbing cramping and the cramping yielded to contractions and then a nightmare ER visit, and a blur to a D&C with my amazing OB/GYN.
And that nightmare? I can live with that. I can. I honestly don’t sit around thinking about due dates and the singleton that wasn’t, for without that miscarriage, my triplets wouldn’t be here. I do think about the day of the miscarriage, but I don’t think so much about it as a baby that was lost as a day of trauma that I survived.
Except for one thing.
The thing that really gets to me? That I just can’t seem to get over? The thing that’s just eating away at me for some ridiculous reason? The so-called "products of conception" were mishandled in the emergency room. And I can handle not knowing if there was a genetic reason for the miscarriage. I can handle not knowing if there was a weird trisomy or monosomy or whatnot.
But (and I’m not certain why), I really wish I knew if it was a boy or a girl. I cannot for the life of me figure out why this would help me put some closure on the whole matter, but I just *know* that it would.
Two years is an awfully long time for something so stupid to haunt me, don’t you think?
ChezPerky 
i don’t think it is stupid at all. but i do hope that you are able to find some peace with it…i know how difficult it can be to finally let go of something that has haunted you.
it always amazes me how you write what my heart feels on a common subject matter…there hardly ever seems to be finality w/miscarriage.
I don’t think it’s stupid at all. If it had been a stillbirth, there would have been a body to grieve over and a burial site. But with a miscarrige what is there? Atleast knowing if it was a boy or girl would give something concrete to the situation that basically only exists in your head and heart once it’s over.
I know what you mean! I had two miscarriages last year (August and December) and we never found out anything about either baby. The thing that frustrates me most is that I miscarried at home, so by the time I brought the “products of conception” in to the doctor, it was too late to find anything out. There’s so many things about a miscarriage that can haunt you for a long time afterwards. It’s rare to find someone willing to talk about it though. Thanks 🙂
I accidentally found out the sex of my miscarried baby when I read my surgical report and I wish I hadn’t. I guess there are reasons to want to know, and reasons not to want to know. It actually made it a little harder for me I think. Made it more concrete or something.
That’s not stupid at all…you’re a mother, and you can’t just turn that off.
With my latest being fresh in my mind…no I don’t think its stupid at all. Being able to know if you had a son or a daughter, to be able to put a name to the loss does help.
You are a mother to that child, and no matter how much time passes that fact will always remain. It won’t be a forethought any longer, but the thought will always be there….
I don’t think that’s stupid at all, it is a way to mourn and grieve. Hope you can find some peace. And just like everyone told me, loving the children you have now does not mean you don’t miss the one you lost
I feel the same way about my miscarriage. I don’t know that it would help, but I think it would have made the grieving process more…hmmm??…concrete, if that makes sense.
I would love to hear that last story, especially since I thought you were only having 12 to dinner (only!) but I’ll let you catch up on sleep first.
I know what you mean about the boy/girl thing. We know Jester was a boy, but don’t know about, eg, PB’s twin, or any of the biochem pregnancies (obviously) not to mention the embryos that never made it at all. I often find myself wondering the same thing. I don’t think two years is too long to wonder – I think I always will. I guess it’s a long time if it’s really eating away at you, detracting from your life, but some things you don’t close off and go away, instead they become part of the fabric of who you are, and you will, naturally, think about them and the what ifs from time to time.
Bea
You know, I don’t think it matters if this still comes to your mind and still bothers you two months, two years, or two decades later. It’s your first child, and miscarriage is an awful thing to go through, compounded by a hospital screwing up the remains. I can see how knowing the gender would bring definite closue. I’m so very sorry.
My ER botched getting the remains into the saline soon enough, and then sent the wrong part down to the lab for testing (there were two specimens, one clearly the embryo, one just “stuff”, but one one arrived). The basically sent me a report that said “no products of conception found.” I wanted to screm adn cry and curse, because to me it was like they were telling me I was never pregnant and didn’t really lose a child. I still know I’ll never go there should we have an emergency with this child because that incompetence and the pain is causes me is more than I want to repeat.
I’m sorry you ever had to loes your precious one. I am grateful you have carried the other 3 to healthy births. I hope you will get the chance for doing that with one again.
I agree, it’s not stupid at all. The loss of a child no matter how early is something that I don’t think you can ever truly and completely get over.
Not stupid at all. I miscarried in May 06 and Sept 06. Just the other night I was thinking about my trip to the ER and then the D/C. I keep thinking about that. None of the reports found anything and I never thought to ask their genders. With the 2nd I had a different DR do my D/C and she was horrible! Those D/Cs lead to testing, which led me to my fertility DR, which led to my Triplets. Your children are so cute by the way!
my miscarriage was in november 06, and i still think about it…sometimes i’ll go a week or two without really thinking about it, and then other times, i’ll think about it almost every day. i don’t think it’s at all stupid to still wonder. i ended up naming the baby i lost, b/c it helped me acknowledge that it was my child and it was a real loss. i just picked a gender-neutral name that had meaning – shiloh, which in hebrew means “god’s gift.” (((hugs)))