August | 2006 | ChezPerky

Archive for August, 2006

Protected: 2nd Beta

Posted in pregnant? on August 14, 2006|

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2nd Beta

Posted in pregnant? on August 14, 2006| 2 Comments »

Friday's surprise beta: 23.8
Today's beta: 102

Holy crap. Could this be happening?

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Protected: Backward.

Posted in pregnant? on August 11, 2006|

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Backward.

Posted in pregnant? on August 11, 2006| Leave a Comment »

You never want to hear the words, "Here's the problem," and "positive pregnancy test" in the same sentence. You don't want your heart to sink when you hear the words, "positive pregnancy test." I've spent the last four years absolutely positive that if I had a positive pregnancy test, even if it was bad news, I'd feel peaceful and happy, grateful to know that at least it's POSSIBLE.

Let's go back. On Tuesday, I started spotting lightly and had heavy cramping. By Tuesday night, I was sure my period had come, and I stopped taking my prometrium. Wednesday morning seemed like a light-normal period day for me, Thursday I had a little tiny bit of spotting, today almost nothing. Since today was Day 3 of my theoretical period, I went in for my normal Day 3 monitoring (ultrasound and bloodwork). I had decided to go ahead with another IUI cycle since I can't squeeze an IVF cycle in without my trip to Phoenix interfering. Miraculously, my doctor was covering monitoring today and she said no problem, everything looked good. She wasn't surprised that my "period" was so light because let's face it, it's probably been 10 years since I've had four periods in a row, so I probably have no sense of perspective left.

So when my nurse called me at one o'clock, I got out my pen, ready to write down what protocol I should start with tonight with the injections, but instead heard her hesitating.

"Question: When did your period start?"
"Wednesday."
"Have you had a lot of bleeding?"
"No, actually, it's been ridiculously little."
"Here's the problem: I need you to go back on your prometrium."

Oh holy hell, I thought.

"Okaaaaaaay…." I said, knowing full well what the problem was.

"You had a positive pregnancy test."

Silence. I couldn't bring myself to say a word. This is bad. This is not how "positive" results are given. This is not, not, not good.

"Now before you get all excited, this was a low positive. What that means is that your E2, P4 were appropriate, but you've got a very low positive beta."
"Okay, can you tell me how low?"
"Sure. It's 23.8."

Shit.

"Um, yeah, that's pretty darned low."
"Yeah, it really is. Now before you get all jumping up and down excited, I've got to tell you, that's very low."
"No kidding."

I must interject at this point and mention that I'm pretty flipping proud of how well I kept my composure on this call. I pride myself on not losing it in their office or on the phone with them. Only once have I even started to crack and I made a complete recovery. This part of their job sucks, let's be honest. They don't want to be delivering this news any more than I want to hear it. All I'm wondering at this point is why on earth I should bother continuing to subject myself to the evils of prometrium for a beta so useless as that. 23.8, indeed. How like me to not even be able to do this right. Fortunately, my stunned silence convinced the nurse to keep talking.

"There are two things this could mean: 1. Two days ago it was higher and this is an early miscarriage, or 2. It's just too early to test and it will be higher two days from now, but I'm inclined to believe it's more likely the first scenario."
"No kidding. I think that's much more likely."
"I'm really sorry. I can't let you cycle at this point, I need you to go back on your prometrium and come back on Monday for a re-test."
"I'm going to be in Texas at my grandmother's funeral on Monday."
"Tuesday then."
"All righty."

Tuesday. An eternity. Can I wait that long? Clearly I have no
choice but to wait that long. I made my appointment for Tuesday morning, got off the phone, and took a deep breath. Then I fumbled for my cell phone so I could go downstairs and call my husband.

Fuck.

Some miracle happened that meant that my husband was at his desk when I called and I immediately lost it. Lost everything. Full-on-hyperventilating, unable to communicate, hysterics. I'm not proud of it. I'm really not. I mean, even though this is probably a miscarriage, isn't it awesome? Isn't it great that a positive happened at all? Aren't I supposed to be fucking ecstatic to hear the words "positive pregnancy test" no matter what the circumstances?? Isn't this what I promised myself I'd be okay with? Isn't this what I wanted?? A sign? A first step toward this stuff working eventually?

I'm supposed to be happy, even though the news isn't perfect. But I just can't bring myself to be. And I can't tell anyone because if it turns out to be real, I don't want anyone to know right away. So what on earth is a girl supposed to do?

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Protected: IUI 5.0

Posted in IUI #5 on August 10, 2006|

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Protected: “They Say”

Posted in general infertility on August 10, 2006|

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IUI 5.0

Posted in IUI #5 on August 10, 2006| Leave a Comment »

I am officially starting my fifth IUI cycle. I was supposed to start an IVF cycle if the fourth didn't work out, but I looked at my September calendar and realized I'd be in Phoenix for a critical week, so one more IUI it is. My poor husband.

It's kinda getting boring. I mean, I know the routine. I can practically self-medicate. I hardly even need the doctor to tell me what to do anymore. And the end-result (BFN) is just so darned predictable. There's got to be a way to make this all more interesting.

I know! We could make a drinking game out of it!

Time for an injection? Take a drink!
Time for an invasive ultrasound? Take another drink!
Abnormally obnoxious migraines? Take two drinks!
Snapped at your husband for breathing too loud? Another drink for the lady!
BFN? Congratulations, you get to drink the whole bottle!
BFP?? Well, the makers of this game don't actually believe that BFPs exist, but if they did, I'm sorry, you'd be out of the game because you'd have to stop drinking all together, so hey! It sucks to be you! (er… I think my perspective may be skewed here)

Anyway, in other fun news going through another cycle is that I have a new, but slightly used, excuse to yell at my husband whenever I feel like it. "Oh, sorry, honey, it's the hormones, you know. Can't be helped."

It's fun to yell at him. Well, fun for me. I'm betting it's not fun for him. Okay, it's not really fun to yell at him, but it is hysterically funny after the fact when I look back and realize exactly how stupid I was being. Also, it's a tiny bit fun to have carte blanche to be evil and be able to blame it on all those darned hormones. "Gosh, Honey, I'm so sorry I called you that, but I'm the one who has to stab myself with needles every night, so you have to put up with it, okay?"

(I'm exaggerating, of course. I only yell at my husband when he deserves it. He just seems to deserve it more when I'm all hormonal and cycling… hrm. Nah, it couldn't just be me, could it? Nah, couldn't be… that's ridiculous!)

Ahem. And now back to your regularly scheduled life.

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” They Say “

Posted in general infertility on August 10, 2006| 1 Comment »

Don't you just hate how "they" say a lot of things without really knowing you or your personal situation? "They" say that having children changes you forever. "They" say you can't possibly understand how children change your life until you have them. "They" are correct. I have had a foster son for almost 2 years now and my life is different. And I have changed forever, just as I changed forever with every major life experience: highschool, going to college, breaking up with my first boyfriend, getting married, buying a house, getting a real job. And yes, acquiring a child. I mean, I didn't get my child the old fashioned way, but I'm every bit his parent and couldn't be more his parent if I'd given birth to him.

Anyway, back to "them"… "They are right. I'm a different person now.

"They" will say that maybe I should be careful what I wish for when I wistfully think of a gaggle of siblings for my foster son. "They" sometimes even say, "Oh, you can have my kids… you'll find out soon enough that they're not worth it."

"They" are not always correct. And you know what else? What "they" don't realize is that even though having kids changes you (and this is not necessarily a bad thing), NOT having kids also changes you. Or at least it changes you if you can't have kids. I know I look at things more cynically sometimes, and I've lost some of my naivetee (not sure if that's a good or a bad thing). I also know that I can look at myself with more humor now. I can laugh at my failures and I can see how ridiculous this whole process is. That, I think, is a good thing.

I used to think that infertility had made me more sympathetic to people. I think, though, that it's done the opposite. When I read people's infertility blogs, sometimes I can't help but think, "oh just quit your whining; you'd think you're the only person on the planet who had one failed IUI." But the women who write these hysterically funny blogs in the face of devastating infertility problems… my heart breaks for them, even as I'm guffawing at their well-written, but painful, adventures through the land of infertility. It's almost like I've become selectively sympathetic, and I'm not sure why.

It's true that infertility hurts. A lot. It's painful no matter where you are in the process. Trying to conceive sucks ass because when you really want something, it always feels like it's *just* out of reach until it's finally yours. So the day a woman says to herself, "that's it, I'm officially trying to conceive," it becomes a laborious process. Every little twinge matters. Every cramp is a sign of impending doom. Every headache could be an early pregnancy sign. Starving? Obviously early pregnancy sign. Not hungry? It HAS to be an early pregnancy sign! Everything matters! Everything is a sign! And unless you're one of the lucky ones, you'll probably come crashing down the first time you take a pregnancy test, because we all test too early and too often. For most women, the agony is short lived and within a few short (but agonizing) months, she finds out she is expecting. We infertiles, though, the ones that have figured out that the old fashioned way may just not work for us… we start to change. In some ways for the better… I certainly have learned to appreciate my life for what I DO have, even if I don't have a baby. And in some slightly less flattering ways… I'm definitely more snarky and short tempered than I used to be.

I guess I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just tired of people trying to suggest to me that they know better than me. That they know what's good for me, or what my life is like or what my pain is like. No one knows how ANY other person feels about anything. One infertile may feel and respond to her plight in a completely different way than the next infertile. Even if I've been through the same number of IUIs as my buddy Jane, that doesn't mean I have any idea how she feels. I can't say, "I know exactly how you feel." I can't KNOW how she feels. I can sit there and listen. I can be there for her if she needs a hug. I can offer advice if she asks for it, or keep my mouth shut if she doesn't. But I can't KNOW anything.

And neither can "they".

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Protected: CD1

Posted in failures, IUI #5 on August 9, 2006|

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CD1

Posted in failures, IUI #5 on August 9, 2006| 1 Comment »

Not that it's a shock or anything, but IUI number 4 failed. Today is Day one. That's slightly surprising, as it's a little early, but I can live with it. I called my nurse and left a message asking her to call in my script for BCPs so I can prepare for an IVF cycle. But now I'm being schizophrenic. I looked at my calendar and realized I have to be away for the second week of September (I'll be in Phoenix for training), and that could make things more difficult.

So when my nurse calls me, I'm going to apologize for being schizophrenic, and I'll ask if we can just do one more IUI cycle (which was the original plan anyway). I'm sure it will be fine, and I'll need to pick up more meds, but I can do that on Friday, when I'll have to be there for monitoring anyway, if we make this an IUI cycle.

Right. See, I had decided NOT to chicken out on the IVF cycle. I had decided to suck it up and deal with the PIO IM shots. I had decided to stop being a baby. I had decided that getting pregnant was more important than my irrational fears. And then my calendar got in the way anyway.

I'm not having fun anymore.

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