First, I should note that this is my 198th post. I'm pointing this out because of the unlikelihood that I'll notice when it's my 200th post, so there you go. This is fair warning that apparently, I am verbose.
Then there's the fact that I made it to 28 weeks this week. And… I have mixed feeling about this. On the one hand, this is definitely a milestone. Babies born at 28 weeks do much better than babies born at, say, 25 weeks. But it would still be utterly devastating to me if they were born right now. Apparently I'd had my doctor worried over the weekend that he was going to be delivering me at 27+ weeks. That's not good. What is good is that he didn't make me think there was that much reason to worry until it was clear that we didn't need to worry. But anyway, in a lot of ways, I'm very sorry that I ever, ever, ever told anyone that 28 weeks was a milestone. It IS a milestone, but it is NOT the goal. The goal is 34 weeks. The first milestone along the way was 28 weeks, and here we are. But now people (not YOU people… but stupid people) keep thinking it's okay to say stupid shit like, "Well, great, you got to 28 weeks, so it's all good now, the babies can be born any time, right?!?" WRONG. And when I try to explain to these people that I appreciate their optimism and enthusiasm, but 28 weeks would still be horrifying, they tell me to stop being such a pessimist and proceed to tell me all these statistics about babies born at 28 weeks.
Yes… 90ish percent of babies born at 28 weeks survive. And most of them do not have long-term issues. But 10% don't survive. And 28 weeks, need I remind anyone, is twelve weeks early. Twelve. That's too early. If my babies were born right now, they would be about 2 pounds. That's not enough. Not when they should have the opportunity to grow to be close to 4 pounds. If my babies were born today, they would probably do just fine. But that is not what I want. And that is not what is best for them or for me. And I am so sick and tired of people accusing me of being a pessimist for not thinking it would be so great for these babies to be born this week. Case en pointe: My foster-son's grandmother called me on Wednesday (GAWD, why did I EVER acknowledge that Wednesdays are the days that I hit the new-week-milestones? WHY WHY WHY?). I was waiting for my Matria nurse to call me with my morning monitoring numbers and I'd had a terrible night the night before (10 contractions in an hour, two hours in a row), so I was a bit on edge when I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"28."
"28?"
"28!" (I'm still trying to figure out who the flying fig is on the other end of the phone)
"What do you mean, 28?"
"You're at 28!"
"That's not possible!" (I knew it wasn't my nurse from Matria, because she always identifies herself, but I was still in that contraction-counting-mode, and I was doing the math and there's no WAY I could have had 28 contractions in an hour)
"What do you think it is?"
"What do you mean 28?"
"28!"
"28??"
"Yes! 28!" (this went on for about two minutes)
"28 what????"
"You're at 28 weeks!!" (I finally at this point figured out who it was who was calling because this is the one person in the world who cannot seem to get the point that I need her to stop harping on the 28 week thing, plus I finally recognized her voice)
I was livid, really. I told her flat out that I don't know any other nice way of telling her that I need her to stop dwelling on this 28 week bullshit. YES, it's a milestone. NO, it's not the goal. YES, babies do very well at 28 weeks (at which point she broke in and said, "I even talked to my sister who's an OB/GYN and she said…"). But NO, it would NOT be good if these babies were born at 28 weeks. They will have so many disadvantages already. We really want to get into the thirties. Thirty-four weeks is absolutely ideal. And please, please, please, I'm begging you, stop acting like it's okay for these babies to come out right now!
I swear, it's like I almost feel like all these people who think it's "okay" now for these babies to come out are almost willing it to happen and it terrifies me. Yes, they really probably would be okay, but I don't want to find out the hard way. I just want these babies to have every chance possible. I don't want them to come out now. I'm not ready. They're not ready. They're too tiny. I'm too scared for them. Please don't come now. Please. I don't know how we'd bear it. I don't. I know we'd just do it, but I don't want to find out. I really don't. I can't.
I haven't been a seriously emotional wreck through this pregnancy. I'm not more snippy than I am when I'm not pregnant (I'm very snippy when I'm not pregnant, so who can tell the difference?). I rarely cry, though I'm crying now just thinking about these babies coming out now. I keep it together. After the first few weeks of the triplet-shock, I've been okay. I've had my moments of "oh my god how are we going to take care of triplets??" but nothing too horrifying since those early weeks. And now, with people continually acting like 28 weeks was such a huge milestone and that everything's okay now… I just feel like … like they're saying it's okay for all my worst fears from the beginning to come true.
And it's not helping that the contractions really are out of control. I mean, the good news is they're not seriously affecting my cervix. Contracting is, apparently, just what I DO (sort of like how we discovered that bleeding in early pregnancy is just something I DO…). I'm just lucky. Somehow, that doesn't bring any peace of mind, because it makes me worry that if there really IS a problem, we'll miss it. But then again, my doctors have been careful never to assume that my contractions are just "normal for me" when they get up to a certain level. They'll bring me in any time I feel uncomfortable with the pattern or feel like I should be seen. Or if anything's different. So it's not like they're blowing it off, thankfully. And they are awesome. I love my doctors. All of them.
But I'm having so many contractions that they keep changing the terbutaline dose. And I can't keep taking the Indocin (though I suspect I'll be back on it for another 48 hours next week), even though it worked. Unfortunately, I've gotten to a point where the terbutaline side effects may be outweighing the benefits. I was having difficulty breathing, so they've lowered the dose a little, but my contractions are going up even though breathing is a little easier. I can barely keep any food down. My head hurts constantly (and these aren't "just" migraines… this is definitely terbutaline-induced). I'm afraid that we're to the point where even though I haven't topped out pharmacologically on the terbutaline, I may have topped out on how much terbutaline my body can handle.
So we'll see. I'm trying not to be frustrated. I'm trying not to be angry at people for their good intentions. I'm trying not to be too anxious about these babies. I'm trying to remember that I chose my doctors because I trust them and have nothing but faith in the care I receive from them. I'm trying to remember that there are more options after the terbutaline and even if those options require that I go into the hospital temporarily or permanently, it doesn't matter. All that matters is keeping these babies in for another 6 weeks.
ChezPerky 
Although I am very happy you have made it to 28 weeks (and beyond) I definitely agree that more is better. I hope your babies get comfy becaue they are in for the long haul!
It would definitely be FAR better for your little ones to make it as far along as possible, of course. I think others are getting so happy that you’re at 28 weeks because they don’t think about the realities. They just hear that at 28 weeks, the babies have good chances of surviving. They don’t think about the risks to them being born so very early. Survival is a good first milestone. Now let’s go for really, really healthy.I just wish the contractions would stop for you. They’re scary as hell, and especially when they keep going through medications. I keep hoping and praying those babies will stay in there as long as possible.
The annoyance of that conversation totally comes through. Issues about 28 weeks aside, not only are people not identifying themselves when they call, they are now only stating a NUMBER?I don’t understand why anyone would think delivering at 28 weeks would be OKAY. It’s more of an after-the-fact thing, that if someone IS delivering very early, well, the chances are good after the milestone of 28 weeks — good, but not close to 100%, and after a lot of special medical attention.I hope it’s okay to have congratulated you on 28 weeks, not as having reached a finish line, but as having made it another week, just as you made it to 27 before and, we hope, to 29 next week.Happy 198th post! It’s nice to count weeks and posts whether they are generally considered milestones or not. I hope you and your uterus have a restful Shabbat!
I don’t blame you for being frustrated. You are right – 28 weeks is a huge milestone, but it was never the goal. I know how little the 28 weekers were when my boys were in the NICU and I don’t wish that on anyone. 34 weeks (well in my case, 33 weeks and a couple of days) is hard enough because they still had to learn to suck and things like that. Keep doing what you are doing and remember you have a lot of people out here pulling for you!
You’ll make it, I have faith! Just remind these people that if the babies are born early, they won’t get to come home until they are satisfied with their health and weight. Why would someone think it is ok to deliver early while they end up in the hospital for a month?
I hear your frustration Karen. In all likelihood, the people who think it is okay to deliver at 28 weeks have probably never seen what a 2 pound baby looks like. But I also believe, that their intentions are most likely honorable and they don’t mean any offense by the comments.I am really bummed to hear the you are having so many side effects from the terbutaline and that your contractions aren’t slowing down. It certainly sounds like you are in good hands with your drs. I am sending you positive thoughts and wishes towards 34 weeks.
I am relieved that you hit the milestone, but know how much further you want to and need to be. It has to be overwhelming, I am sure.Good luck with the meds this weekend, keep me posted.
I think what some people mean is “at least now you don’t have to worry as much about losing them all” (G-d forbid)28 weeks is a great milestone. For me 26 weeks was when I allowed myself to start thinking of the thing inside me as a baby and not just a fetus.of course, it only actually made sense to me that it (she) was a baby when they put her on me.