Archive for the ‘2ww’ Category

A Definition

I love my husband. And you know why? Because if you look in the dictionary under sweet, optimistic, or (most importantly) naive, you’ll find a picture of him. Allow me to illustrate with a conversation from yesterday:

Him: Did you take your morning estrace?
Me: Yeah, but really? What’s the point?
Him: I’m still hoping George will surprise you.
Me: Honey, George isn’t going to surprise me. Today’s 15 days post retrieval. Even the stupid internet cheap POS pregnancy tests would have shown something if I was pregnant today.
Him: Okay.
Me: You really think there’s going to be a surprise.
Him: I’m hoping George will surprise you.

It’s cute, no? So for his sake, I will continue to take the little blue pills and the damn PIO, despite my blubbering in a doctor’s office yesterday (see Chez Perky for that one), because, after all, I’d hate for him to say “I told you so” on something that critical, right? (but I still haven’t made an appointment to go in for my beta…)

(for the record? No surprises this morning, other than I still feel like crap. And not in a pregnant kind of way – in a “oh my god where are my lungs and all my energy?” kind of way)

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Still sick. Still not pregnant (so Barren? You can stop holding out that tiny bit of hope, okay?).

I have yet to schedule my beta, which is supposed to be Friday. I wonder if they’ll notice if I don’t show up for it? I’m guessing they would notice. Back in 2006 when I was away on vacation (the only real vacation I’ve ever taken in my entire life) on a beta day (and had told them I wouldn’t be there on beta day), they freaked out when I didn’t show up for my beta. But then, having not been on PIO, I’d had solid proof that that IUI (#2) had failed miserably.

So … not showing up for my beta is probably not an option right?

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I’ve had a really hard time with this cycle, and Barren just “gets” it when a lot of other people just… don’t. I feel guilty about it, to be honest. I feel like I should have an easier time dealing with infertility by now. I’ve been there, done that. More importantly, I’m on the other side of it. I’ve got a beautiful family, as many people feel the need to remind me. Often. As if that means I should simply be satisfied and be done with.

And yet – I have not resolved my infertility. I have not come to terms with it. Every setback, every failure, every loss this time around hits me as hard, maybe harder, as the first go-around. I think this is partly because this time was supposed to be “easy”, or as easy as IVF ever is. And what we’ve found is that things just aren’t as straight-forward as we thought.

The point is, Barren gets me. She doesn’t try to placate me with “it only takes one”[1] and other such platitudes. She doesn’t tell me I’m being ridiculous. She doesn’t point to my children and suggest I should be satisfied with what I have. She recognizes that the pain I have the second time around is just as real as the first time around. She tells me to stop apologizing for complaining at her. She brings me wine so we can whine over wine together.

So I suppose it should have come as no surprise to me when a beautiful, flowery package arrived in my mailbox today, and I saw that it was from my wonderful friend. I opened it up and found this:

The note made me a little sniffly and teary eyed, and though I haven’t asked her permission to reproduce it here, I’m going to take a gamble and do so anyway:

Dearest Perky,
Thank you again for your friendship and generosity. I hope that someday soon I will have the chance to return the kindness with more than a bottle of wine and the ability to eat your delicious dinners.
I know you aren’t feeling hopeful about this cycle, but if a tiny bit of hope (or
curiosity) creeps in, I want you to be prepared.

I knew what would be inside the beautiful, dragonfly wrapping [2] paper, but I burst out laughing when I opened it up:

Thanks, my friend. Laughter truly is the best medicine. I don’t promise to use those lovely (but very tempting) tests. But I promise to pass them back to you if I don’t. Or maybe use them next cycle when I can muster up the hope to think it’s worth wasting a precious FRER.

Barren, you truly are the best person in the entire universe. So… dinner Thursday? 😉

[1] Coming soon: a Barren-inspired post on the “It Only Takes One” math and how flawed it truly is.

[2]How did she know that dragonflies are one of my favorite things in the universe? I swear she and I are just the same person. Except she’s way cuter and always has an adorable pedicure, and I’ve never had a pedicure in my life.

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Because it’s fun for me, every time my husband is trying to annoy me (even jokingly), I say, “No! You can’t do that! I’m gestating!” And I melodramatically throw myself down on the couch, clutching my abdomen protectively, to ensure the safety of our precious morula.

All joking aside, this exchange belies my true feelings about this cycle. Usually, I’m skeptical that a cycle could have worked, but there’s always a piece of me that can’t resist interpreting every twinge, every smptom, every sign. Usually, even though I won’t say it out loud, there’s a piece of me that is shocked when I inevitably cave, pee on a stick, and see a sea of white where there *should* be a second line. Even in my sixth IUI, when no one, not even my doctor, thought it was going anywhere – the cycle that was doomed to fail (but resulted in an HOM pregnancy instead) – even then, I thought there was a chance, even though I wouldn’t admit it out loud.

But this time I simply cannot wrap my brain around the possibility that this cycle has any possibility of ending well. I don’t have even the smallest bit of hope. SuperDoc is heading out of the country for 2 1/2 weeks, and he’s leaving before my beta happens. I’m devastated by this, which is ridiculous, but there you go. I never claimed to be rational, and I’m sure the copious amounts of estrogen and PIO aren’t helping matters. Anyway, I’ve made an appointment for a follow up consult with SuperDoc for the first week of July – right after SuperDoc gets back. I figure that way we can talk about where to go from here, because clearly something’s gotta give.


I hope I eat my words, but I just… I’m not counting on it. I’m really not asking for platititudes. I can’t handle them, really. they won’t make me feel better. All I need now is to just … get from point A to point B.

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Seriously, people!

Will 9:30 tomorrow never come? And why, oh why, did I not make the 6:45 appointment instead? What was I thinking?? (Oh, wait, that’s right, my husband has to be at work at 0630, so I couldn’t go in at 6:45 regardless… it’s HIS fault!) Yes, I totally get that tomorrow’s vampire draw isn’t going to change anything. But at least it’s something to do.


In other news, I need a new blog layout. Seriously. And I’m not creative enough to make one. And I’ve searched for free blogger skins that I could modify and I can’t find any that I love. So I need help.


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Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same action over and over again, expecting a different result.

Why, then, do I continue to POAS? Is it insanity? Or, as Jody suggests, simply ritual?

Truthfully, though I don’t deny that I’m crazy, I don’t expect a different result, so I imagine there’s simply some comfort in the morning ritual, just as there is in the evening ritual of drawing up the PIO injection. At least I’m doing something.

It certainly won’t change tomorrow’s beta, that’s for sure. But after tomorrow, there won’t be anything to do for at least a few weeks. That time is interminable to me. I remember after my miscarriage in 2006 I had to wait a couple of months for my hCG to zero out, and then they still made me wait another month before starting a cycle.* That was absolutely the worst three months of TTC for me, ever.

I suppose I’ll use my break this time to make random drop ins at YOFC to check and see if that mobile has been hung yet. AHEM. What do you think, J – has it been hung yet?? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about it! I’ll cut off the cookie supply if it doesn’t get hung!

Just kidding. I’d never cut off the cookie supply. I’m too nice. Snickerdoodles tomorrow. They’re already made.

*Note, there are no scientific studies (that I can find) that support a need for a month off after the beta bottoms out (my OB/GYN supported my theory on this) – most doctors admit that this is purely because they believe it will help a patient emotionally. However, I believe that the 2 months it took my beta to bottom out was a sufficient break. Furthermore, my completely unscientific survey with a sample size of, oh, 6 or so, showed that being forced to take an additional month break without being consulted as to whether this month was emotionally necessary was, in fact, perceived as patronizing and was more emotionally harmful than helpful.

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Just in case you were thinking that just *maybe* 14dpo might *just* be a little too early still and there *might* just still be a miracle waiting… let’s just assume that 15 and 16dpo is quite definitive, shall we?

I’m still bringing J and Co. Snickerdoodles on Wednesday (beta day). It’s not their fault my body sucks, right?

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Get it? Reading between the lines? Like, if I had two lines and you had to rea… oh forget it, they always say that it’s not funny if you have to explain the joke. Onward and upward…

ANYWHOZIT: The point, for those still reading (and I wouldn’t blame you if you’d stopped bothering after that lame-assed joke), is that I recognize that I’ve obscured the facts somewhat in the last few posts. So let me clear it up for those who have emailed me (though, to be fair, most of you HAD seemed to understand where I was going with it all)…

Yes, I have POAS’d. No, there were not two lines. Well, I mean, if you took TWO of the tests and put them together, you’d get two lines, but I doubt that’s what any of you meant. Yes, this was a direct violation of my doctor’s orders. But it’s not like it was going to change the end result. Wednesday’s beta will still be whatever Wednesday’s beta is going to be. Plus, SuperNurse said I could pee on anything I wanted, so long as I was going to be sane about it (e.g. not call her every five minutes with the latest test results freaking out).

I’m very uncomfortable, both because of the giant lumps on my, ahem, posterior, and because I am extraordinarily crampy. I have little question in my mind that if it weren’t for the blasted PIO, I’d be on CD-something right now based on how I’m feeling. Yes, I’ve tried a heating pad for both pains. No, it’s not helping. Thanks for the suggestion. The warm heating pad sure is snuggly, even if it doesn’t help. And the cats like it, too (bonus).

And now I get to hang out until Wednesday when I have my beta and can ask what my next steps are. I might call on Monday to schedule an appointment for a consult with SuperDoc, preemptively. I know it’ll take a while to get an appointment with him, so I may as well get it on the books. I could always cancel it if (hah!) today’s test results were somehow mistaken.

To answer Lori’s comments….

I know my clinic did not allow back-to-back cycles. Your body needs a little downtime after all that.

Different clinics have different protocols. And some are satisfied that the month on BCPs = sufficient downtime before starting over. That isn’t the same as going straight into another stim cycle, which is what back-to-back IVFs would actually be. A month of BCPs IS actually time off between cycles. I just don’t know if that’s sufficient for my clinic because in my efforts to be more “go-with-the-flow” than I naturally want to be, I just forgot to ask.

If your beta is negative do you have a consult before the next cycle? My clinic did. You should SO push for a cycle without Lupron.

They don’t require a consult between cycles – that’s really my call. I don’t currently have a consult scheduled, but I might schedule one. I haven’t really decided what to do. As for pushing for a cycle without Lupron… to be honest, I’m tired of pushing. I pushed and pushed through my first round of infertility treatment, and I’m really done with that. I have full faith and confidence in my doctor and his expertise. I don’t have the emotional energy or the mental capacity left to play back-seat-patient. Certainly, I will ask what he thinks of doing an antagonist protocol instead, but I will not push for it. If he has a reason he doesn’t think that’s the answer, I’m not going to rock the boat. The headaches from Lupron suck mightily. There’s NO question. I would love to be without them. But the fact of the matter is that if the protocol ultimately works and I get to hold a baby in my arms sometime in the next year or two… I won’t give two hoots about the headaches (though I reserve the right to complain about them here, while I’m going through the process).

Finally, I know it ain’t over ’til it’s over, and the fat lady hasn’t sung yet (wait, I *did* sing bedtime songs to my kids tonight…), but I know that the reality is that this isn’t going anywhere. Many of you have emailed me directly to express your sympathy for this (and boy, will *I* feel stupid if I end up with a positive beta on Wednesday! Hah!), and I do appreciate it. I’m okay, though. I’m sad about the lost time and the lost chance and the fact that only 2 opportunities remain without some seriously creative financing, but I’m really okay with giving this another go. I’m eager, in fact, to keep moving. And like I’ve said all along – the good news is I love SuperDoc, SuperNurse, M (sonographer extraordinaire), J (Marketing Supervisor Extraordinaire)*, and everyone at my clinic. So is it really so bad to have to spend some more time with them?

*Er, not that J has anything to do with my treatment cycles or anything, because of course he does NOT. But at least I get to barge into his office now and again and drop random boxes of cookies on his desk and harass him. That part is fun for me. 🙂

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I will now postulate that at 8dp6dt, aka 14dpo, it is now too late to say it’s too early to tell anything.

No news. I don’t expect this to change come beta time. Still don’t know what the plan is – whether I have to take off a month before rolling in to BCPs or whether the month of BCPs IS my month off. Different clinics have different policies, and I don’t know what my clinic’s policy is. I do remember back in 2007 when I had my original IVF consult with SuperDoc he had said that I wouldn’t be able to do back-to-back IVF cycles, but that could still be that he was referring to the BCP month in between.

I don’t love not having a plan.

Frankly, I don’t even know how we’re going to pay for another set of coinsurances/copays again right now anyway – we just had a major huge crisis in our house which will likely involve digging up our entire yard to fix a broken water pipe to the tune of several thousand dollars, so it may be out of my hands for a while regardless, but I’m hoping not. We’ll just have to see.

Anywhozit, we’ll just see what happens. Wish I could just stop taking the PIO, but I’d probably get yelled at by SuperNurse on behalf of SuperDoc if I did that before beta day. So stick it out (pun intended), I shall.

I do not like not knowing the plan.

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No News

Absolutely nothing to report. Aren’t I interesting these days? I know, I’m a bundle of fun.

7dp6dt aka 13dpo.


Beta Wednesday. I am not expecting good news.

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