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A Fine Question

Posted in my stupid body, pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 14, 2007| 6 Comments »

Anonymous writes:
Is it only the implantation that has been causing the bleeding? Might you have had multiple implantations and losses early on in the other pregnancy? What information are you being given about the bleeding?

This is a great question. And the answer is, I don’t know. One theory is that I could be bleeding from implantation , but I gotta say… I don’t have a lot of faith in that theory. There’s an awful lot of bleeding, in my admittedly uneducated opinion, to blame only on implantation. Beyond that, who knows?

Could I have had multiple implantations and losses early in the other pregnancy? It’s doubtful because in my last pregnancy, I literally had ONE mature (16mm) follicle and nothing more. All the others had shrunk away to unmeasurable levels. This pregnancy there was a maybe-leader and a whole lot of close followers (16.4, 15.4, 14.2, 14.2, 14.0). Gosh I feel really stupid now. We should have just cancelled the cycle. In the case of the last pregnancy, multiple implantations and losses definitely doesn’t cover it, because I had consistent bleeding for 12 weeks. Had there been other implantations that I was losing, they would have shown up on ultrasound.

But as for what information I’m being given on the bleeding… not much. Not any actually. Just the possibility of implantation bleeding, which doesn’t make enough sense to satisfy me. They can’t find a reason for the bleeding on ultrasound and they are therefore unconcerned. Easy for them to say. I’m the one dealing with it.

What else? A couple people have asked me how far along I am… I’m at about 6 weeks gestation, with variances depending on who you ask. Another popular question is when is my next scan? I don’t have to go back in until Tuesday, but I’m going in on Friday so that I don’t spend all weekend assuming that life is all doom and gloom. I don’t expect Friday’s scan to yield any interesting results. I don’t expect fetal poles or heartbeats by then, but I expect there may be something more interesting to see on Tuesday. If not, that’s when I’ll worry. Not that I’m not worrying now.

My question is… at what point do I mention this little predicament to my OB? And will he be able/willing to see me if this stays triplets? I’d feel stupid calling now only to find out I’m down to one or two by the time I “graduate” from the RE’s office. But I wouldn’t want to not have a plan in place for my next appointment once I graduate from the RE’s office either. Decisions, decisions.

On another note, a small part of me is really irrationally angry with Shady Hell right now. I know that IUI made the most medical sense in terms of avoiding costly, invasive procedures if we could… but if someone had just let me have my way and went straight to IVF after the miscarriage…. the odds of triplets right now would have been infinitessimal. We never would have transferred three embryos and we would have had to have a very, very good reason to transfer even two. This is not Shady Hell’s fault. They did do the responsible thing in giving me the guidance that they gave me. But I’m still upset about it.

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A Fine Question

Posted in my stupid body, pregnancy #2, triplets? on March 14, 2007| 4 Comments »

Anonymous writes:
Is it only the implantation that has been causing the bleeding? Might you have had multiple implantations and losses early on in the other pregnancy? What information are you being given about the bleeding?

This is a great question. And the answer is, I don't know. One theory is that I could be bleeding from implantation , but I gotta say… I don't have a lot of faith in that theory. There's an awful lot of bleeding, in my admittedly uneducated opinion, to blame only on implantation. Beyond that, who knows?

Could I have had multiple implantations and losses early in the other pregnancy? It's doubtful because in my last pregnancy, I literally had ONE mature (16mm) follicle and nothing more. All the others had shrunk away to unmeasurable levels. This pregnancy there was a maybe-leader and a whole lot of close followers (16.4, 15.4, 14.2, 14.2, 14.0). Gosh I feel really stupid now. We should have just cancelled the cycle. In the case of the last pregnancy, multiple implantations and losses definitely doesn't cover it, because I had consistent bleeding for 12 weeks. Had there been other implantations that I was losing, they would have shown up on ultrasound.

But as for what information I'm being given on the bleeding… not much. Not any actually. Just the possibility of implantation bleeding, which doesn't make enough sense to satisfy me. They can't find a reason for the bleeding on ultrasound and they are therefore unconcerned. Easy for them to say. I'm the one dealing with it.

What else? A couple people have asked me how far along I am… I'm at about 6 weeks gestation, with variances depending on who you ask. Another popular question is when is my next scan? I don't have to go back in until Tuesday, but I'm going in on Friday so that I don't spend all weekend assuming that life is all doom and gloom. I don't expect Friday's scan to yield any interesting results. I don't expect fetal poles or heartbeats by then, but I expect there may be something more interesting to see on Tuesday. If not, that's when I'll worry. Not that I'm not worrying now.

My question is… at what point do I mention this little predicament to my OB? And will he be able/willing to see me if this stays triplets? I'd feel stupid calling now only to find out I'm down to one or two by the time I "graduate" from the RE's office. But I wouldn't want to not have a plan in place for my next appointment once I graduate from the RE's office either. Decisions, decisions.

On another note, a small part of me is really irrationally angry with Shady Hell right now. I know that IUI made the most medical sense in terms of avoiding costly, invasive procedures if we could… but if someone had just let me have my way and went straight to IVF after the miscarriage…. the odds of triplets right now would have been infinitessimal. We never would have transferred three embryos and we would have had to have a very, very good reason to transfer even two. This is not Shady Hell's fault. They did do the responsible thing in giving me the guidance that they gave me. But I'm still upset about it.

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Drama Queen

Posted in my stupid body on March 13, 2007| 2 Comments »

Ever the drama queen, I emailed my nurse yesterday to ask about the bleeding. Every time I think it’s going away and I was worried for nothing, it gets worse. And every time I start to really worry, it stops suddenly. The bleeding was very heavy Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was lighter, but I figured I’d better check in with her anyway. I’d hate to find out later that I ignored something I shouldn’t have.

Well, the whiny patient gets seen, so I’m going in this morning for a repeat ultrasound. And right on cue, I’m not bleeding (much) this morning. Of course. So the doctor will probably think I’m a complete hypochondriac, which is fine, since it’s not Dr. Amazing this morning.

Hopefully everything is fine and I’m just being a drama queen.

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Drama Queen

Posted in my stupid body on March 13, 2007| 2 Comments »

Ever the drama queen, I emailed my nurse yesterday to ask about the bleeding. Every time I think it's going away and I was worried for nothing, it gets worse. And every time I start to really worry, it stops suddenly. The bleeding was very heavy Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was lighter, but I figured I'd better check in with her anyway. I'd hate to find out later that I ignored something I shouldn't have.

Well, the whiny patient gets seen, so I'm going in this morning for a repeat ultrasound. And right on cue, I'm not bleeding (much) this morning. Of course. So the doctor will probably think I'm a complete hypochondriac, which is fine, since it's not Dr. Amazing this morning.

Hopefully everything is fine and I'm just being a drama queen.

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It’s like de ja vu all over again…

Posted in my stupid body, pregnant? on March 2, 2007| 12 Comments »

510.

No, seriously…. five-one-zero.

Holy cow. I’m in shock. My nurse is in shock. Did I mention I’M in shock?

My nurse called and said, “you’re still in the game, the numbers look great!” and I replied, “You’re kidding…!?”

What a dumbass thing to say. Of course she’s not kidding. Why would she lie? I don’t think I could say anything dumber. Gah! Actually, it got stupider. I then told her I didn’t believe her and she told me the number (510!!). I was stunned so she asked how much I was bleeding. A lot. How much is a lot? I would easily have called yesterday CD1 and it hasn’t relented.

So now I’m officially on “restricted” activity. What my nurse isn’t saying is that this restricted activity will have no physical effect on the outcome of this pregnancy. What I know that she’s hoping is that if I miscarry I don’t sit around blaming myself for lifting something too heavy, or overexerting myself, or whatnot. This “restricted activity” is merely meant to keep me mentally stable. Yeah.

Oh, and if I have any severe abdominal cramping, fever or vomitting, I must come in immediately to be seen. Yeah. Or something.

For the moment, I’m just plain grateful. We’re going for FOUR months this time! (Just kidding!) And you know, if this doesn’t work out, we’ve got the backup plan.

Off-topic:

Oh, I miscounted. We’re having 15 adults and three kids. And I’m supposed to be “taking it easy.” Decemberbaby asked what I’m cooking. I did most of my cooking last night: Mushroom Barley Soup, Baked Gefilte Fish, Chicken (just boring marinated chicken), Mushroom Tarts, Cranberry Apple Tart, Roasted New Potatoes, Green Beans with caramelized onions and pignoli, Broccoli Kugel (maybe), and um, I feel like I’m missing something. Dessert came from the bakery, because I’m lazy. And my nurse doesn’t want me doing any serving. HAH! ‘Cause that’s gonna happen.

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It’s like de ja vu all over again…

Posted in my stupid body, pregnant? on March 2, 2007| 4 Comments »

510.

No, seriously…. five-one-zero.

Holy cow. I'm in shock. My nurse is in shock. Did I mention I'M in shock?

My nurse called and said, "you're still in the game, the numbers look great!" and I replied, "You're kidding…!?"

What a dumbass thing to say. Of course she's not kidding. Why would she lie? I don't think I could say anything dumber. Gah! Actually, it got stupider. I then told her I didn't believe her and she told me the number (510!!). I was stunned so she asked how much I was bleeding. A lot. How much is a lot? I would easily have called yesterday CD1 and it hasn't relented.

So now I'm officially on "restricted" activity. What my nurse isn't saying is that this restricted activity will have no physical effect on the outcome of this pregnancy. What I know that she's hoping is that if I miscarry I don't sit around blaming myself for lifting something too heavy, or overexerting myself, or whatnot. This "restricted activity" is merely meant to keep me mentally stable. Yeah.

Oh, and if I have any severe abdominal cramping, fever or vomitting, I must come in immediately to be seen. Yeah. Or something.

For the moment, I'm just plain grateful. We're going for FOUR months this time! (Just kidding!) And you know, if this doesn't work out, we've got the backup plan.

Off-topic:

Oh, I miscounted. We're having 15 adults and three kids. And I'm supposed to be "taking it easy." Decemberbaby asked what I'm cooking. I did most of my cooking last night: Mushroom Barley Soup, Baked Gefilte Fish, Chicken (just boring marinated chicken), Mushroom Tarts, Cranberry Apple Tart, Roasted New Potatoes, Green Beans with caramelized onions and pignoli, Broccoli Kugel (maybe), and um, I feel like I'm missing something. Dessert came from the bakery, because I'm lazy. And my nurse doesn't want me doing any serving. HAH! 'Cause that's gonna happen.

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It’s like de ja vu all over again…

Posted in my stupid body, pregnant? on March 2, 2007| 11 Comments »

510.

No, seriously…. five-one-zero.

Holy cow. I'm in shock. My nurse is in shock. Did I mention I'M in shock?

My nurse called and said, "you're still in the game, the numbers look great!" and I replied, "You're kidding…!?"

What a dumbass thing to say. Of course she's not kidding. Why would she lie? I don't think I could say anything dumber. Gah! Actually, it got stupider. I then told her I didn't believe her and she told me the number (510!!). I was stunned so she asked how much I was bleeding. A lot. How much is a lot? I would easily have called yesterday CD1 and it hasn't relented.

So now I'm officially on "restricted" activity. What my nurse isn't saying is that this restricted activity will have no physical effect on the outcome of this pregnancy. What I know that she's hoping is that if I miscarry I don't sit around blaming myself for lifting something too heavy, or overexerting myself, or whatnot. This "restricted activity" is merely meant to keep me mentally stable. Yeah.

Oh, and if I have any severe abdominal cramping, fever or vomitting, I must come in immediately to be seen. Yeah. Or something.

For the moment, I'm just plain grateful. We're going for FOUR months this time! (Just kidding!) And you know, if this doesn't work out, we've got the backup plan.

Off-topic:

Oh, I miscounted. We're having 15 adults and three kids. And I'm supposed to be "taking it easy." Decemberbaby asked what I'm cooking. I did most of my cooking last night: Mushroom Barley Soup, Baked Gefilte Fish, Chicken (just boring marinated chicken), Mushroom Tarts, Cranberry Apple Tart, Roasted New Potatoes, Green Beans with caramelized onions and pignoli, Broccoli Kugel (maybe), and um, I feel like I'm missing something. Dessert came from the bakery, because I'm lazy. And my nurse doesn't want me doing any serving. HAH! 'Cause that's gonna happen.

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Confession

Posted in 2ww, my stupid body on February 23, 2007| 4 Comments »

I have a confession to make: I keep forgetting that I’m in the two-week wait. I mean, I know I’m waiting for my beta so that I can start birth control pills. But I keep forgetting that what it actually means is that there’s the theoretical possibility I could be pregnant. I’m completely serious. So much so that I keep forgetting to use the evil prometrium suppositories.

The cool thing about forgetting to take prometrium is that it means I don’t have all the progesterone side effects. Or so I thought!

I have the stabbing, white-hot, poker pain in my breasts, just like I always do during the stupid 2ww because of the prometrium. And I’m queasy, just like I always do with prometrium. And every time I start to feel a little dizzy, I think, “don’t worry, that’s just the prometrium.” Except, um, it isn’t.

I’m not trying to sound ungrateful that maybe there’s a possibility of anything interesting going on in my nether-regions, but seriously! This is ridiculous! There is no effing way that I’m pregnant and I seriously resent my body’s insistence on pretending like there’s even the remotest possibility. Worse, I still can’t get out of my head that a positive beta would only be an inconvenience at this point… I’m ready to move on. I’m not interested in having another 5 month delay for pregnancy, inevitable miscarriage, D&C, and following betas down. And there isn’t even the tiniest part of me that thinks it would be anything but that scenario. So this better just be God messing with me (as per usual), because I’d really like to be pregnant at some point when I can appreciate it and be happy about it, not now when I would only resent it.

I know that is completely screwed up. I know I’m an ingrate. I also know I’m not pregnant, so I don’t know what I’m complaining about. I’m a completely messed up person.

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Confession

Posted in 2ww, my stupid body on February 23, 2007| 6 Comments »

I have a confession to make: I keep forgetting that I'm in the two-week wait. I mean, I know I'm waiting for my beta so that I can start birth control pills. But I keep forgetting that what it actually means is that there's the theoretical possibility I could be pregnant. I'm completely serious. So much so that I keep forgetting to use the evil prometrium suppositories.

The cool thing about forgetting to take prometrium is that it means I don't have all the progesterone side effects. Or so I thought!

I have the stabbing, white-hot, poker pain in my breasts, just like I always do during the stupid 2ww because of the prometrium. And I'm queasy, just like I always do with prometrium. And every time I start to feel a little dizzy, I think, "don't worry, that's just the prometrium." Except, um, it isn't.

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful that maybe there's a possibility of anything interesting going on in my nether-regions, but seriously! This is ridiculous! There is no effing way that I'm pregnant and I seriously resent my body's insistence on pretending like there's even the remotest possibility. Worse, I still can't get out of my head that a positive beta would only be an inconvenience at this point… I'm ready to move on. I'm not interested in having another 5 month delay for pregnancy, inevitable miscarriage, D&C, and following betas down. And there isn't even the tiniest part of me that thinks it would be anything but that scenario. So this better just be God messing with me (as per usual), because I'd really like to be pregnant at some point when I can appreciate it and be happy about it, not now when I would only resent it.

I know that is completely screwed up. I know I'm an ingrate. I also know I'm not pregnant, so I don't know what I'm complaining about. I'm a completely messed up person.

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Dragging Along Part II

Posted in IUI #6, my stupid body on February 8, 2007| 6 Comments »

Lest you think that today’s E2/LH levels will shed any more light on my peculiar puzzle, I should update you on my call from my nurse this afternoon.

Three more days, two more clicks of the pen. I’m up to 108 IUs for the next three nights. Apparently Dr. Amazing is bored and ready to move on to IVF, which is good, because I’m ready to move on also. I return on Sunday for more ultrasound fun! Whahoo! I asked Mary (my nurse) what my E2/LH levels were and she said she didn’t want to tell me because it was only going to irritate me. I promised her I could take it.

E2: 110 (down from 113, but that’s really just a plateau)
LH: 2.5 (it went from 2.5 on Sunday, to 2.2 on Tuesday, back to 2.5 today)

Mary is pleased with my LH because she doesn’t want it spiking yet because that would mean I was about to ovulate on my own and that would be bad, since apparently my eggs are too immature. They’re like teenagers trying to break out into maturity, but still stuck with some rather childish behaviours and development. Curses!

I forgot to tell you all the funniest part of my ultrasound this morning. After Dr. S. left the room I was talking to Margaret, sonographer extraordinaire, and she said (JOKINGLY), “gosh what IS going on with those ovaries of yours? Whatever they tell you to take, you should take double and see what happens.” I told her I’d considered it, but that would be wrong. Wrong, I say! Do I sound convincing? I reminded her that doubling my meds was probably the easiest way to land myself with a canceled cycle from overstimulation. “True,” she said, “but they can’t stop you from having lots of sex!”

Of course, sex has never helped us have a baby before, but if I had four perfectly mature, ripe, beautiful follicles ovulating all at once, you can be damned sure this would be the one time I’d end up pregnant. With quadruplets. And I gotta tell you… I really don’t want quadruplets. Not even a little bit. Seriously!

Anywhozit. The point is my ovaries are doing absolutely nothing. I think I ought to have S provide a “sample” for cryopreservation, because I suspect what’s going to end up happening is that I’ll end up needing an IUI when I’m supposed to be in Florida. At least if we had some swimmers on ice, I’d be able to stay here while S and J go to Florida without me (or maybe just have me catch up with them later or something). And anyway, if I plan for that contingency, I won’t end up needing it, and all this worrying will be for nothing, right??

Edited to Add: Anonymous makes a good point in the comments that I could always go for the well-timed intercourse in Florida idea in lieu of the IUI. The IUI itself doesn’t really increase our odds, since our whole problem appears to be me not ovulating naturally, so well-timed intercourse COULD do it, except for a couple things:

1. We’ll be staying at my dad’s … and well, GAH!
2. Timing has never worked out particularly well for us, but we could still give it a shot.
3. I need to find out whether my RE would count this as one of my 2 last IUI cycles before moving on to IVF if I skipped the IUI part. I suspect he would, but I’m not entirely certain. But I am NOT doing another one of these cycles if I don’t have to. It’s time to move on. My insurance coverage for IVF runs out in September or October. After that, I start fighting an uphill battle. Bleh.

Still, I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility of just resorting to “the old fashioned way” if necessary
End of Edit

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