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Archive for the ‘triplets?’ Category

Jessica Here…
First off, let me reassure everyone and let you all know that Karen sounds perfectly fine, very calm, and very "Karen-like" 🙂 Any of us that know Karen in real life know her penchant for keeping cool in crazy situations… Hence her calm demeanor this evening!
Anyway, after talking to the Momma herself this evening, she's doing well. They've admitted her because of her possible pre-eclamptic issues. The tests that were run a few days ago, showed slightly elevated liver enzymes which along with high blood pressure, usually indicate issues with pre-eclampsia. So, for right now, she's there for observation purposes only… There are no definitive plans as to what they're going to do right now. We chatted for a bit and she laid out the three distinct possibilities:
1. The MD's come back tomorrow and decide on a delivery time. (eeek!)
2. The MD's come in and decide that the pre-eclampsia is not progressing and send her on home.
3. The MD's come in and decide to sit on her and the babes for the duration…
Tomorrow at twilight marks the start of one of the larger holidays for Karen and her Family, so of course, hanging at the hospital (while not fun) might be the most practical of the options… I'm really hoping they don't just send her home… But hey, Doctor's know best right?? 🙂 On that thread of thought also, the Terbutaline pump that Karen has been using to keep the contractions at bay? It has been discontinued… The Doctors see a connection between pre-eclampsia and terb, so no more of that for now! I was reassured to hear that she was still taking some Procardia, but was unfortunately a little uncomfortable regardless… On the upside, they're 32 weeks tomorrow…
I'll keep you all posted with information as it becomes available! Please keep them all in your thoughts!

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Guess who doesn’t have gestational diabetes? Yep. That would be me. Apparently one of my levels was slightly high, but he said that isn’t diagnostic and when he heard what my fasting levels were (this morning’s was 75, yesterday’s was 65… usually it’s around 68-70), he said, “Yeah, you don’t have it.” So yay!

As for the rest of the appointment, it went well. My cervix is stable. The doctor basically said I’m just going to contract. It’s what I do. He’s not concerned with the quantity at this point, so much as the quality and the effect on my cervix. So we’re on the same page on that one, which is good. Contractions are definitely getting stronger and more uncomfortable. He assured me that if I were in labor, I’d be in enough pain that I would know it. I’m not so convinced, since kidney stones barely make me flinch, but I do think I’d recognize it. We’ll see.

He was concerned that all the monitoring was more trouble than it’s worth. He wanted to make sure that with all the contractions they weren’t making me re-monitor so much in the evening that it was keeping me from sleeping, and I promised him that I knew enough to tell them to just call the doctor if I wanted to sleep instead of re-monitoring and he said that was fine. The important thing is that he wants to make sure that I understand that I have to be assertive about letting Matria know if there’s a significant change in quality and that I’m not concerned about quantity alone. So if they’re pushing me to re-monitor, and I don’t want to or feel that it’s unnecessary, I shouldn’t feel guilty about having them call the doctor. That’s fair. And, he said, if we get a little further down the line and decide that the monitoring is just a bigger pain in the ass than it needs to be, then I won’t do it anymore. Mostly, he thinks I have a good enough handle on things that he thinks that I know when to call myself, but he doesn’t think the extra data point from the monitoring can hurt.

They want to keep a close eye on me, because things have been a bit dicey, but mostly, I’m doing great, all things considered. I’m astounded that I don’t feel crappier than I do… I’m a whale, but not as whalish as I thought I would be… I fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes despite the enormous pregnancy belly (that’s how much weight I’ve lost). I’m uncomfortable, but not NEARLY as uncomfortable as I’d imagined I would be. I have trouble walking, but the bed rest probably contributes to that, and I’m not allowed to walk much anyway (I only know how difficult -and painful- walking is because I had to walk down a long hallway to get to my doctor’s office today). I have difficulty breathing, but that’s not shocking. There are three babies in my very, very short torso. I’m tired all the time, but DUH! I’m still throwing up, but who cares at this point? I really expected MUCH worse. Or maybe I’m just handling it gracefully. Either way, I’m in the home stretch. I’m not there yet, but bit by bit, I’m getting there.

I go back for a growth ultrasound on Wednesday. I’ll be exactly 30 weeks. If you’re REALLY good, I might post another whale picture that day. We’ll see.

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Guess who doesn't have gestational diabetes? Yep. That would be me. Apparently one of my levels was slightly high, but he said that isn't diagnostic and when he heard what my fasting levels were (this morning's was 75, yesterday's was 65… usually it's around 68-70), he said, "Yeah, you don't have it." So yay!

As for the rest of the appointment, it went well. My cervix is stable. The doctor basically said I'm just going to contract. It's what I do. He's not concerned with the quantity at this point, so much as the quality and the effect on my cervix. So we're on the same page on that one, which is good. Contractions are definitely getting stronger and more uncomfortable. He assured me that if I were in labor, I'd be in enough pain that I would know it. I'm not so convinced, since kidney stones barely make me flinch, but I do think I'd recognize it. We'll see.

He was concerned that all the monitoring was more trouble than it's worth. He wanted to make sure that with all the contractions they weren't making me re-monitor so much in the evening that it was keeping me from sleeping, and I promised him that I knew enough to tell them to just call the doctor if I wanted to sleep instead of re-monitoring and he said that was fine. The important thing is that he wants to make sure that I understand that I have to be assertive about letting Matria know if there's a significant change in quality and that I'm not concerned about quantity alone. So if they're pushing me to re-monitor, and I don't want to or feel that it's unnecessary, I shouldn't feel guilty about having them call the doctor. That's fair. And, he said, if we get a little further down the line and decide that the monitoring is just a bigger pain in the ass than it needs to be, then I won't do it anymore. Mostly, he thinks I have a good enough handle on things that he thinks that I know when to call myself, but he doesn't think the extra data point from the monitoring can hurt.

They want to keep a close eye on me, because things have been a bit dicey, but mostly, I'm doing great, all things considered. I'm astounded that I don't feel crappier than I do… I'm a whale, but not as whalish as I thought I would be… I fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes despite the enormous pregnancy belly (that's how much weight I've lost). I'm uncomfortable, but not NEARLY as uncomfortable as I'd imagined I would be. I have trouble walking, but the bed rest probably contributes to that, and I'm not allowed to walk much anyway (I only know how difficult -and painful- walking is because I had to walk down a long hallway to get to my doctor's office today). I have difficulty breathing, but that's not shocking. There are three babies in my very, very short torso. I'm tired all the time, but DUH! I'm still throwing up, but who cares at this point? I really expected MUCH worse. Or maybe I'm just handling it gracefully. Either way, I'm in the home stretch. I'm not there yet, but bit by bit, I'm getting there.

I go back for a growth ultrasound on Wednesday. I'll be exactly 30 weeks. If you're REALLY good, I might post another whale picture that day. We'll see.

Read Full Post »

Guess who doesn't have gestational diabetes? Yep. That would be me. Apparently one of my levels was slightly high, but he said that isn't diagnostic and when he heard what my fasting levels were (this morning's was 75, yesterday's was 65… usually it's around 68-70), he said, "Yeah, you don't have it." So yay!

As for the rest of the appointment, it went well. My cervix is stable. The doctor basically said I'm just going to contract. It's what I do. He's not concerned with the quantity at this point, so much as the quality and the effect on my cervix. So we're on the same page on that one, which is good. Contractions are definitely getting stronger and more uncomfortable. He assured me that if I were in labor, I'd be in enough pain that I would know it. I'm not so convinced, since kidney stones barely make me flinch, but I do think I'd recognize it. We'll see.

He was concerned that all the monitoring was more trouble than it's worth. He wanted to make sure that with all the contractions they weren't making me re-monitor so much in the evening that it was keeping me from sleeping, and I promised him that I knew enough to tell them to just call the doctor if I wanted to sleep instead of re-monitoring and he said that was fine. The important thing is that he wants to make sure that I understand that I have to be assertive about letting Matria know if there's a significant change in quality and that I'm not concerned about quantity alone. So if they're pushing me to re-monitor, and I don't want to or feel that it's unnecessary, I shouldn't feel guilty about having them call the doctor. That's fair. And, he said, if we get a little further down the line and decide that the monitoring is just a bigger pain in the ass than it needs to be, then I won't do it anymore. Mostly, he thinks I have a good enough handle on things that he thinks that I know when to call myself, but he doesn't think the extra data point from the monitoring can hurt.

They want to keep a close eye on me, because things have been a bit dicey, but mostly, I'm doing great, all things considered. I'm astounded that I don't feel crappier than I do… I'm a whale, but not as whalish as I thought I would be… I fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes despite the enormous pregnancy belly (that's how much weight I've lost). I'm uncomfortable, but not NEARLY as uncomfortable as I'd imagined I would be. I have trouble walking, but the bed rest probably contributes to that, and I'm not allowed to walk much anyway (I only know how difficult -and painful- walking is because I had to walk down a long hallway to get to my doctor's office today). I have difficulty breathing, but that's not shocking. There are three babies in my very, very short torso. I'm tired all the time, but DUH! I'm still throwing up, but who cares at this point? I really expected MUCH worse. Or maybe I'm just handling it gracefully. Either way, I'm in the home stretch. I'm not there yet, but bit by bit, I'm getting there.

I go back for a growth ultrasound on Wednesday. I'll be exactly 30 weeks. If you're REALLY good, I might post another whale picture that day. We'll see.

Read Full Post »

First, I should note that this is my 198th post. I’m pointing this out because of the unlikelihood that I’ll notice when it’s my 200th post, so there you go. This is fair warning that apparently, I am verbose.

Then there’s the fact that I made it to 28 weeks this week. And… I have mixed feeling about this. On the one hand, this is definitely a milestone. Babies born at 28 weeks do much better than babies born at, say, 25 weeks. But it would still be utterly devastating to me if they were born right now. Apparently I’d had my doctor worried over the weekend that he was going to be delivering me at 27+ weeks. That’s not good. What is good is that he didn’t make me think there was that much reason to worry until it was clear that we didn’t need to worry. But anyway, in a lot of ways, I’m very sorry that I ever, ever, ever told anyone that 28 weeks was a milestone. It IS a milestone, but it is NOT the goal. The goal is 34 weeks. The first milestone along the way was 28 weeks, and here we are. But now people (not YOU people… but stupid people) keep thinking it’s okay to say stupid shit like, “Well, great, you got to 28 weeks, so it’s all good now, the babies can be born any time, right?!?” WRONG. And when I try to explain to these people that I appreciate their optimism and enthusiasm, but 28 weeks would still be horrifying, they tell me to stop being such a pessimist and proceed to tell me all these statistics about babies born at 28 weeks.

Yes… 90ish percent of babies born at 28 weeks survive. And most of them do not have long-term issues. But 10% don’t survive. And 28 weeks, need I remind anyone, is twelve weeks early. Twelve. That’s too early. If my babies were born right now, they would be about 2 pounds. That’s not enough. Not when they should have the opportunity to grow to be close to 4 pounds. If my babies were born today, they would probably do just fine. But that is not what I want. And that is not what is best for them or for me. And I am so sick and tired of people accusing me of being a pessimist for not thinking it would be so great for these babies to be born this week. Case en pointe: My foster-son’s grandmother called me on Wednesday (GAWD, why did I EVER acknowledge that Wednesdays are the days that I hit the new-week-milestones? WHY WHY WHY?). I was waiting for my Matria nurse to call me with my morning monitoring numbers and I’d had a terrible night the night before (10 contractions in an hour, two hours in a row), so I was a bit on edge when I picked up the phone.

“Hello?”
“28.”
“28?”
“28!” (I’m still trying to figure out who the flying fig is on the other end of the phone)
“What do you mean, 28?”
“You’re at 28!”
“That’s not possible!” (I knew it wasn’t my nurse from Matria, because she always identifies herself, but I was still in that contraction-counting-mode, and I was doing the math and there’s no WAY I could have had 28 contractions in an hour)
“What do you think it is?”
“What do you mean 28?”
“28!”
“28??”
“Yes! 28!” (this went on for about two minutes)
“28 what????”
“You’re at 28 weeks!!” (I finally at this point figured out who it was who was calling because this is the one person in the world who cannot seem to get the point that I need her to stop harping on the 28 week thing, plus I finally recognized her voice)

I was livid, really. I told her flat out that I don’t know any other nice way of telling her that I need her to stop dwelling on this 28 week bullshit. YES, it’s a milestone. NO, it’s not the goal. YES, babies do very well at 28 weeks (at which point she broke in and said, “I even talked to my sister who’s an OB/GYN and she said…”). But NO, it would NOT be good if these babies were born at 28 weeks. They will have so many disadvantages already. We really want to get into the thirties. Thirty-four weeks is absolutely ideal. And please, please, please, I’m begging you, stop acting like it’s okay for these babies to come out right now!

I swear, it’s like I almost feel like all these people who think it’s “okay” now for these babies to come out are almost willing it to happen and it terrifies me. Yes, they really probably would be okay, but I don’t want to find out the hard way. I just want these babies to have every chance possible. I don’t want them to come out now. I’m not ready. They’re not ready. They’re too tiny. I’m too scared for them. Please don’t come now. Please. I don’t know how we’d bear it. I don’t. I know we’d just do it, but I don’t want to find out. I really don’t. I can’t.

I haven’t been a seriously emotional wreck through this pregnancy. I’m not more snippy than I am when I’m not pregnant (I’m very snippy when I’m not pregnant, so who can tell the difference?). I rarely cry, though I’m crying now just thinking about these babies coming out now. I keep it together. After the first few weeks of the triplet-shock, I’ve been okay. I’ve had my moments of “oh my god how are we going to take care of triplets??” but nothing too horrifying since those early weeks. And now, with people continually acting like 28 weeks was such a huge milestone and that everything’s okay now… I just feel like … like they’re saying it’s okay for all my worst fears from the beginning to come true.

And it’s not helping that the contractions really are out of control. I mean, the good news is they’re not seriously affecting my cervix. Contracting is, apparently, just what I DO (sort of like how we discovered that bleeding in early pregnancy is just something I DO…). I’m just lucky. Somehow, that doesn’t bring any peace of mind, because it makes me worry that if there really IS a problem, we’ll miss it. But then again, my doctors have been careful never to assume that my contractions are just “normal for me” when they get up to a certain level. They’ll bring me in any time I feel uncomfortable with the pattern or feel like I should be seen. Or if anything’s different. So it’s not like they’re blowing it off, thankfully. And they are awesome. I love my doctors. All of them.

But I’m having so many contractions that they keep changing the terbutaline dose. And I can’t keep taking the Indocin (though I suspect I’ll be back on it for another 48 hours next week), even though it worked. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten to a point where the terbutaline side effects may be outweighing the benefits. I was having difficulty breathing, so they’ve lowered the dose a little, but my contractions are going up even though breathing is a little easier. I can barely keep any food down. My head hurts constantly (and these aren’t “just” migraines… this is definitely terbutaline-induced). I’m afraid that we’re to the point where even though I haven’t topped out pharmacologically on the terbutaline, I may have topped out on how much terbutaline my body can handle.

So we’ll see. I’m trying not to be frustrated. I’m trying not to be angry at people for their good intentions. I’m trying not to be too anxious about these babies. I’m trying to remember that I chose my doctors because I trust them and have nothing but faith in the care I receive from them. I’m trying to remember that there are more options after the terbutaline and even if those options require that I go into the hospital temporarily or permanently, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is keeping these babies in for another 6 weeks.

Read Full Post »

First, I should note that this is my 198th post. I'm pointing this out because of the unlikelihood that I'll notice when it's my 200th post, so there you go. This is fair warning that apparently, I am verbose.

Then there's the fact that I made it to 28 weeks this week. And… I have mixed feeling about this. On the one hand, this is definitely a milestone. Babies born at 28 weeks do much better than babies born at, say, 25 weeks. But it would still be utterly devastating to me if they were born right now. Apparently I'd had my doctor worried over the weekend that he was going to be delivering me at 27+ weeks. That's not good. What is good is that he didn't make me think there was that much reason to worry until it was clear that we didn't need to worry. But anyway, in a lot of ways, I'm very sorry that I ever, ever, ever told anyone that 28 weeks was a milestone. It IS a milestone, but it is NOT the goal. The goal is 34 weeks. The first milestone along the way was 28 weeks, and here we are. But now people (not YOU people… but stupid people) keep thinking it's okay to say stupid shit like, "Well, great, you got to 28 weeks, so it's all good now, the babies can be born any time, right?!?" WRONG. And when I try to explain to these people that I appreciate their optimism and enthusiasm, but 28 weeks would still be horrifying, they tell me to stop being such a pessimist and proceed to tell me all these statistics about babies born at 28 weeks.

Yes… 90ish percent of babies born at 28 weeks survive. And most of them do not have long-term issues. But 10% don't survive. And 28 weeks, need I remind anyone, is twelve weeks early. Twelve. That's too early. If my babies were born right now, they would be about 2 pounds. That's not enough. Not when they should have the opportunity to grow to be close to 4 pounds. If my babies were born today, they would probably do just fine. But that is not what I want. And that is not what is best for them or for me. And I am so sick and tired of people accusing me of being a pessimist for not thinking it would be so great for these babies to be born this week. Case en pointe: My foster-son's grandmother called me on Wednesday (GAWD, why did I EVER acknowledge that Wednesdays are the days that I hit the new-week-milestones? WHY WHY WHY?). I was waiting for my Matria nurse to call me with my morning monitoring numbers and I'd had a terrible night the night before (10 contractions in an hour, two hours in a row), so I was a bit on edge when I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"
"28."
"28?"
"28!" (I'm still trying to figure out who the flying fig is on the other end of the phone)
"What do you mean, 28?"
"You're at 28!"
"That's not possible!" (I knew it wasn't my nurse from Matria, because she always identifies herself, but I was still in that contraction-counting-mode, and I was doing the math and there's no WAY I could have had 28 contractions in an hour)
"What do you think it is?"
"What do you mean 28?"
"28!"
"28??"
"Yes! 28!" (this went on for about two minutes)
"28 what????"
"You're at 28 weeks!!" (I finally at this point figured out who it was who was calling because this is the one person in the world who cannot seem to get the point that I need her to stop harping on the 28 week thing, plus I finally recognized her voice)

I was livid, really. I told her flat out that I don't know any other nice way of telling her that I need her to stop dwelling on this 28 week bullshit. YES, it's a milestone. NO, it's not the goal. YES, babies do very well at 28 weeks (at which point she broke in and said, "I even talked to my sister who's an OB/GYN and she said…"). But NO, it would NOT be good if these babies were born at 28 weeks. They will have so many disadvantages already. We really want to get into the thirties. Thirty-four weeks is absolutely ideal. And please, please, please, I'm begging you, stop acting like it's okay for these babies to come out right now!

I swear, it's like I almost feel like all these people who think it's "okay" now for these babies to come out are almost willing it to happen and it terrifies me. Yes, they really probably would be okay, but I don't want to find out the hard way. I just want these babies to have every chance possible. I don't want them to come out now. I'm not ready. They're not ready. They're too tiny. I'm too scared for them. Please don't come now. Please. I don't know how we'd bear it. I don't. I know we'd just do it, but I don't want to find out. I really don't. I can't.

I haven't been a seriously emotional wreck through this pregnancy. I'm not more snippy than I am when I'm not pregnant (I'm very snippy when I'm not pregnant, so who can tell the difference?). I rarely cry, though I'm crying now just thinking about these babies coming out now. I keep it together. After the first few weeks of the triplet-shock, I've been okay. I've had my moments of "oh my god how are we going to take care of triplets??" but nothing too horrifying since those early weeks. And now, with people continually acting like 28 weeks was such a huge milestone and that everything's okay now… I just feel like … like they're saying it's okay for all my worst fears from the beginning to come true.

And it's not helping that the contractions really are out of control. I mean, the good news is they're not seriously affecting my cervix. Contracting is, apparently, just what I DO (sort of like how we discovered that bleeding in early pregnancy is just something I DO…). I'm just lucky. Somehow, that doesn't bring any peace of mind, because it makes me worry that if there really IS a problem, we'll miss it. But then again, my doctors have been careful never to assume that my contractions are just "normal for me" when they get up to a certain level. They'll bring me in any time I feel uncomfortable with the pattern or feel like I should be seen. Or if anything's different. So it's not like they're blowing it off, thankfully. And they are awesome. I love my doctors. All of them.

But I'm having so many contractions that they keep changing the terbutaline dose. And I can't keep taking the Indocin (though I suspect I'll be back on it for another 48 hours next week), even though it worked. Unfortunately, I've gotten to a point where the terbutaline side effects may be outweighing the benefits. I was having difficulty breathing, so they've lowered the dose a little, but my contractions are going up even though breathing is a little easier. I can barely keep any food down. My head hurts constantly (and these aren't "just" migraines… this is definitely terbutaline-induced). I'm afraid that we're to the point where even though I haven't topped out pharmacologically on the terbutaline, I may have topped out on how much terbutaline my body can handle.

So we'll see. I'm trying not to be frustrated. I'm trying not to be angry at people for their good intentions. I'm trying not to be too anxious about these babies. I'm trying to remember that I chose my doctors because I trust them and have nothing but faith in the care I receive from them. I'm trying to remember that there are more options after the terbutaline and even if those options require that I go into the hospital temporarily or permanently, it doesn't matter. All that matters is keeping these babies in for another 6 weeks.

Read Full Post »

First, I should note that this is my 198th post. I'm pointing this out because of the unlikelihood that I'll notice when it's my 200th post, so there you go. This is fair warning that apparently, I am verbose.

Then there's the fact that I made it to 28 weeks this week. And… I have mixed feeling about this. On the one hand, this is definitely a milestone. Babies born at 28 weeks do much better than babies born at, say, 25 weeks. But it would still be utterly devastating to me if they were born right now. Apparently I'd had my doctor worried over the weekend that he was going to be delivering me at 27+ weeks. That's not good. What is good is that he didn't make me think there was that much reason to worry until it was clear that we didn't need to worry. But anyway, in a lot of ways, I'm very sorry that I ever, ever, ever told anyone that 28 weeks was a milestone. It IS a milestone, but it is NOT the goal. The goal is 34 weeks. The first milestone along the way was 28 weeks, and here we are. But now people (not YOU people… but stupid people) keep thinking it's okay to say stupid shit like, "Well, great, you got to 28 weeks, so it's all good now, the babies can be born any time, right?!?" WRONG. And when I try to explain to these people that I appreciate their optimism and enthusiasm, but 28 weeks would still be horrifying, they tell me to stop being such a pessimist and proceed to tell me all these statistics about babies born at 28 weeks.

Yes… 90ish percent of babies born at 28 weeks survive. And most of them do not have long-term issues. But 10% don't survive. And 28 weeks, need I remind anyone, is twelve weeks early. Twelve. That's too early. If my babies were born right now, they would be about 2 pounds. That's not enough. Not when they should have the opportunity to grow to be close to 4 pounds. If my babies were born today, they would probably do just fine. But that is not what I want. And that is not what is best for them or for me. And I am so sick and tired of people accusing me of being a pessimist for not thinking it would be so great for these babies to be born this week. Case en pointe: My foster-son's grandmother called me on Wednesday (GAWD, why did I EVER acknowledge that Wednesdays are the days that I hit the new-week-milestones? WHY WHY WHY?). I was waiting for my Matria nurse to call me with my morning monitoring numbers and I'd had a terrible night the night before (10 contractions in an hour, two hours in a row), so I was a bit on edge when I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"
"28."
"28?"
"28!" (I'm still trying to figure out who the flying fig is on the other end of the phone)
"What do you mean, 28?"
"You're at 28!"
"That's not possible!" (I knew it wasn't my nurse from Matria, because she always identifies herself, but I was still in that contraction-counting-mode, and I was doing the math and there's no WAY I could have had 28 contractions in an hour)
"What do you think it is?"
"What do you mean 28?"
"28!"
"28??"
"Yes! 28!" (this went on for about two minutes)
"28 what????"
"You're at 28 weeks!!" (I finally at this point figured out who it was who was calling because this is the one person in the world who cannot seem to get the point that I need her to stop harping on the 28 week thing, plus I finally recognized her voice)

I was livid, really. I told her flat out that I don't know any other nice way of telling her that I need her to stop dwelling on this 28 week bullshit. YES, it's a milestone. NO, it's not the goal. YES, babies do very well at 28 weeks (at which point she broke in and said, "I even talked to my sister who's an OB/GYN and she said…"). But NO, it would NOT be good if these babies were born at 28 weeks. They will have so many disadvantages already. We really want to get into the thirties. Thirty-four weeks is absolutely ideal. And please, please, please, I'm begging you, stop acting like it's okay for these babies to come out right now!

I swear, it's like I almost feel like all these people who think it's "okay" now for these babies to come out are almost willing it to happen and it terrifies me. Yes, they really probably would be okay, but I don't want to find out the hard way. I just want these babies to have every chance possible. I don't want them to come out now. I'm not ready. They're not ready. They're too tiny. I'm too scared for them. Please don't come now. Please. I don't know how we'd bear it. I don't. I know we'd just do it, but I don't want to find out. I really don't. I can't.

I haven't been a seriously emotional wreck through this pregnancy. I'm not more snippy than I am when I'm not pregnant (I'm very snippy when I'm not pregnant, so who can tell the difference?). I rarely cry, though I'm crying now just thinking about these babies coming out now. I keep it together. After the first few weeks of the triplet-shock, I've been okay. I've had my moments of "oh my god how are we going to take care of triplets??" but nothing too horrifying since those early weeks. And now, with people continually acting like 28 weeks was such a huge milestone and that everything's okay now… I just feel like … like they're saying it's okay for all my worst fears from the beginning to come true.

And it's not helping that the contractions really are out of control. I mean, the good news is they're not seriously affecting my cervix. Contracting is, apparently, just what I DO (sort of like how we discovered that bleeding in early pregnancy is just something I DO…). I'm just lucky. Somehow, that doesn't bring any peace of mind, because it makes me worry that if there really IS a problem, we'll miss it. But then again, my doctors have been careful never to assume that my contractions are just "normal for me" when they get up to a certain level. They'll bring me in any time I feel uncomfortable with the pattern or feel like I should be seen. Or if anything's different. So it's not like they're blowing it off, thankfully. And they are awesome. I love my doctors. All of them.

But I'm having so many contractions that they keep changing the terbutaline dose. And I can't keep taking the Indocin (though I suspect I'll be back on it for another 48 hours next week), even though it worked. Unfortunately, I've gotten to a point where the terbutaline side effects may be outweighing the benefits. I was having difficulty breathing, so they've lowered the dose a little, but my contractions are going up even though breathing is a little easier. I can barely keep any food down. My head hurts constantly (and these aren't "just" migraines… this is definitely terbutaline-induced). I'm afraid that we're to the point where even though I haven't topped out pharmacologically on the terbutaline, I may have topped out on how much terbutaline my body can handle.

So we'll see. I'm trying not to be frustrated. I'm trying not to be angry at people for their good intentions. I'm trying not to be too anxious about these babies. I'm trying to remember that I chose my doctors because I trust them and have nothing but faith in the care I receive from them. I'm trying to remember that there are more options after the terbutaline and even if those options require that I go into the hospital temporarily or permanently, it doesn't matter. All that matters is keeping these babies in for another 6 weeks.

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