ChezPerky

Sour-puss no more?

May 10, 2007 by chezperky

I still feel like hell, but I feel badly for being so negative earlier today. I was in a whole lot of pain. I still am, but at least I've had all day to get used to it at this point. Also, I now have heartburn, which goes really well with the nausea. Seriously. At least Tums have calcium. I need calcium, right? Does a body good and all that? (considering I'm lactose intolerant and too many green-leafies can exacerbate kidney stones and every time I've taken a calcium supplement regularly I've gotten kidney stones more regularly than usual… I can definitely use extra calcium occasionally)

Anywhozit, I totally know that this is all going to be worth it. I didn't expect it to be easy, and I knew that when I made a conscious decision to carry all three. I know I will love my babies no matter what it takes to get far enough to meet them. I'm very excited about the pregnancy, and it's neat to see things changing. I wish I were a little more awake and in a little less pain so I could marvel a bit more at how my life is already evolving, but it's okay. I also wish I had the energy to get my house ORGANIZED. (It's not terrible now, but it's not ready for triplets, that's for sure)

Someone asked if I'm ever going to post a picture of my, uh, "progress". Presumably meaning my ever-expanding belly. The answer is it's not likely. I mean, if I'd been as teeney as Suz (who is pregnant with QUADS!) when this all started, I'd have belly shots all over the place by now. But you know. I'm all self-conscious about photos. So I expect at some point I'll take one, but not for a while. And who knows if it'll get posted. I guess I'm afraid that it's just in my head that I look pregnant. (I do, though, seriously, this belly out in front of me is just not natural!) I'm afraid I'll see a picture and realize that it's really just that I'm fat, which is hysterical, because I'm down 30 pounds from last summer (I lost 19 in my last pregnancy, gained a couple back after the miscarriage, and lost another 15 at the start of this pregnancy and haven't gained an ounce since), so I should be thinking how great I look!

I am stupid so I watched some show on the Discovery Health channel about babies. All these high-risk pregnancy delivery. What in heaven's name was I thinking?? AM I CRAZY? I didn't think anything of it, because I'm just not usually affected by people's horror stories. And it wasn't the things that went wrong that scared me. But I realized that all those women who delivered their babies via c-section… especially the ones that were 36 weekers (which I won't make it to)… none of them got to hold their babies. Not one of them. I mean, it was for good reason. The babies needed immediate care, rather than cuddling by mama, but… I mean… None of them got to hold their babies.

Honestly, not getting to hold my baby when I deliver isn't the worst thing on the planet, as long as they're as healthy as can be expected or hoped for. What's worse is these dreams I've been having. I haven't told you about the dreams because I feel like a big baby for even having them. But I keep having very vivid dreams that they've all died. Sometimes it's that they've died before I get to my next doctor's appointment (on the 17th… can't come soon enough at this point). Sometimes it's that they die right before delivery. The worst is when I dream they deliver, but die within a few days. How horrible am I? Every night for a week or so, this is what I've been dreaming. I had a teacher in high school who was pregnant with triplets and lost one about mid-way through her pregnancy while she was on hospital bedrest. Her twins are healthy and beautiful and Seniors in High School now (holy cow, I'm old), but I can only imagine the loss she must have felt (perhaps still feels). I think of her often.

Gah. I was supposed to stop being negative. But actually, somehow even the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) don't feel so negative to me. Because you know… it means that I'm rather attached to my tiny little parasites, and I can't imagine that attachment is a bad thing. Even if it intensifies my fear. Deep down, I really believe everything's going to be okay. Deep down I really believe they'll be here in September. Deep down, I know that no matter what happens, we'll work through it. That's progress.

Posted in triplets? | 6 Comments »

Sour-puss no more?

May 10, 2007 by chezperky

Posted in triplets? | 10 Comments »

Can’t Sleep

May 8, 2007 by chezperky

I had a tremendous migraine all day and it only got worse toward the end of the day. Having a dentist appointment probably didn’t help matters. Now I’m in slightly less pain, but can’t sleep, as is often the case after a long migraine day. I think that the migraines are actually getting worse, which is almost hard to believe. Suzanne also reminded me that I never updated you all on the other lovely pain in my life… the kidney stone. Well, it seems to be gone. I think I passed it last Sunday and on Tuesday I had a renal ultrasound and all was clear, which is good. Frankly, I’d rather have a couple more kidney stones than these ever-pervasive migraines at this point. Bleh.

Anywho, enough complaining. Last Thursday, of course, was the nuchal scan that I’ve already updated about. On Friday I saw my regular OB. These appointments are rather useless as I basically go in, he asks how I’m feeling, I say I feel like hell, he listens for one of the heartbeats (hard to differentiate on doppler), and that’s about it. I broached the subject that perhaps it made sense to transfer my care for this pregnancy directly to the perinatologist.

Now, I should pause here remind you that this was NOT my initial desire. I love my OB and originally any mention anyone made of leaving him for this pregnancy was met with my icy glare. However, the truth is, it really makes sense to me at this point. The best equipped doctors to handle the ins and outs of a triplet pregnancy are the perinatologists I’m seeing. Having two sets of doctors directing my care, particularly with the perinatologists being the experts but going through the OB to direct critical care decisions, does not seem advantageous to me. The perinatologists (all three in the practice) have all been very, very willing to do whatever I’m comfortable with. They’ve been effusive in their praise of my OB specifically and of the practice as a whole. I’m not concerned about my care, but I do not honestly see any true advantage to having two sets of doctors at this point.

Right. But being that I love my OB and certainly don’t want to alienate him or lose him as my doctor for postpartum care, future pregnancies (hah!), and well-women’s care, I broached the topic very gently. This is in part because I’m sensitive to the fact that I love him, and partly because I completely lack the ability to have any sort of confrontation with a doctor. I’m a wimp, essentially. So I mentioned that Dr P (the evil one, not the wonderful one) had suggested transferring my care, and my OB brushed it off. He didn’t see any need to transfer my care. Oh no, he said, they can totally handle it (and no doubt they can, but still… is there any real ADVANTAGE to having two sets of doctors? Not that I can find!). Since my next appointment with the perinatologist is in two weeks, he suggested coming back to his office two weeks after that, so that we wouldn’t be seeing two doctors in the same week. Except that after this next two-week appointment with the perinatologist, I’ll be seeing the perinatologist EVERY week, so the logic doesn’t hold. But my OB said, no, I don’t need to see them that often. And if they wanted to do cervical measurements every week, well, the OB’s office could handle some of that.

But… but… I don’t WANT two different offices trying to coordinate and compare cervical measurements!! It seems like there are too many ways that can be screwed up. And if the perinatologist tells me to be there every week, I’m going to be there every week, no matter what. I am NOT messing around with this pregnancy! But I’m a wimp, as previously stated. And the OB just seemed so sure of how this should go, and I didn’t want any sort of confrontation, and I love him, so I just said okay and went to the front desk to make my next appointment for four weeks out.

Except I don’t really want to do that. What I want to do is to transfer my care to the perinatologist. But without alienating my OB. I asked a friend who is a doctor (and has five kids of her own… mostly out of the house), and she said I should just transfer my care and tell the OB’s office I’ll be back for my post-partum care. She said there was no reason that should alienate the doctor or the practice, it’s just the way it works. But it feels… underhanded. Sneaky. Deceitful, even. Still, I know I’ll be a lot more comfortable with just one set of doctors to turn to if a problem occurs. Even though I completely 100% trust my OB and I know that he would defer to the perinatologists for any critical care decisions. It still seems convoluted to deal with both sets of doctors.

So… I don’t know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is to transfer my care. I just don’t know how to do it most appropriately and with the least possibility of alienating my OB. Bleh.

Posted in doctor dilemma, triplets? | 11 Comments »

Can’t Sleep

May 8, 2007 by chezperky

I had a tremendous migraine all day and it only got worse toward the end of the day. Having a dentist appointment probably didn't help matters. Now I'm in slightly less pain, but can't sleep, as is often the case after a long migraine day. I think that the migraines are actually getting worse, which is almost hard to believe. Suzanne also reminded me that I never updated you all on the other lovely pain in my life… the kidney stone. Well, it seems to be gone. I think I passed it last Sunday and on Tuesday I had a renal ultrasound and all was clear, which is good. Frankly, I'd rather have a couple more kidney stones than these ever-pervasive migraines at this point. Bleh.

Anywho, enough complaining. Last Thursday, of course, was the nuchal scan that I've already updated about. On Friday I saw my regular OB. These appointments are rather useless as I basically go in, he asks how I'm feeling, I say I feel like hell, he listens for one of the heartbeats (hard to differentiate on doppler), and that's about it. I broached the subject that perhaps it made sense to transfer my care for this pregnancy directly to the perinatologist.

Now, I should pause here remind you that this was NOT my initial desire. I love my OB and originally any mention anyone made of leaving him for this pregnancy was met with my icy glare. However, the truth is, it really makes sense to me at this point. The best equipped doctors to handle the ins and outs of a triplet pregnancy are the perinatologists I'm seeing. Having two sets of doctors directing my care, particularly with the perinatologists being the experts but going through the OB to direct critical care decisions, does not seem advantageous to me. The perinatologists (all three in the practice) have all been very, very willing to do whatever I'm comfortable with. They've been effusive in their praise of my OB specifically and of the practice as a whole. I'm not concerned about my care, but I do not honestly see any true advantage to having two sets of doctors at this point.

Right. But being that I love my OB and certainly don't want to alienate him or lose him as my doctor for postpartum care, future pregnancies (hah!), and well-women's care, I broached the topic very gently. This is in part because I'm sensitive to the fact that I love him, and partly because I completely lack the ability to have any sort of confrontation with a doctor. I'm a wimp, essentially. So I mentioned that Dr P (the evil one, not the wonderful one) had suggested transferring my care, and my OB brushed it off. He didn't see any need to transfer my care. Oh no, he said, they can totally handle it (and no doubt they can, but still… is there any real ADVANTAGE to having two sets of doctors? Not that I can find!). Since my next appointment with the perinatologist is in two weeks, he suggested coming back to his office two weeks after that, so that we wouldn't be seeing two doctors in the same week. Except that after this next two-week appointment with the perinatologist, I'll be seeing the perinatologist EVERY week, so the logic doesn't hold. But my OB said, no, I don't need to see them that often. And if they wanted to do cervical measurements every week, well, the OB's office could handle some of that.

But… but… I don't WANT two different offices trying to coordinate and compare cervical measurements!! It seems like there are too many ways that can be screwed up. And if the perinatologist tells me to be there every week, I'm going to be there every week, no matter what. I am NOT messing around with this pregnancy! But I'm a wimp, as previously stated. And the OB just seemed so sure of how this should go, and I didn't want any sort of confrontation, and I love him, so I just said okay and went to the front desk to make my next appointment for four weeks out.

Except I don't really want to do that. What I want to do is to transfer my care to the perinatologist. But without alienating my OB. I asked a friend who is a doctor (and has five kids of her own… mostly out of the house), and she said I should just transfer my care and tell the OB's office I'll be back for my post-partum care. She said there was no reason that should alienate the doctor or the practice, it's just the way it works. But it feels… underhanded. Sneaky. Deceitful, even. Still, I know I'll be a lot more comfortable with just one set of doctors to turn to if a problem occurs. Even though I completely 100% trust my OB and I know that he would defer to the perinatologists for any critical care decisions. It still seems convoluted to deal with both sets of doctors.

So… I don't know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is to transfer my care. I just don't know how to do it most appropriately and with the least possibility of alienating my OB. Bleh.

Posted in doctor dilemma, triplets? | 16 Comments »

So far, So good

May 3, 2007 by chezperky

I’m under the wire with a deadline, so no time for much elaboration… but the Nuchal Translucency measurements were perfect. All three hovered at exactly the middle of the range of normal. They are all growing appropriately. Baby C is still the smallest, but is still growing at the same rate, so might just be genetically predisposed to being short (like me!). Baby A still has a placenta previa, the little troublemaker. Baby C didn’t entirely want to cooperate. Those two are definitely related to their father, the difficult little monsters. Baby B was perfect and showed off and got right into position to get a clear NT measurement, gave a little wave, totally cooperated. Obviously, Baby B takes after his mother.

Heartbeats were all great: 151, 157, and 161.

They measured between 12w6d and 13w1d. I’m currently 13w1d, so that’s perfect. Baby C has consistently measured exactly 2 days behind the others, so it’s all good. Since the NT measurements were all perfect and they’re all growing, I opted against the CVS. The Dr. agreed that there weren’t any major red-flags to make him think I should seriously consider the CVS.

I asked whether I was being a big baby about thinking I’m not going to make it to 20 weeks still working and the doctor (Dr. G.) said absolutely not. They prefer that in the absence of objective findings that force bedrest that patients lead the way on what activity level is safe. They would prefer that patients NOT try to “push through” the stress or pain or discomfort. So, if in a couple weeks I feel like I can’t do it anymore, they’ll do whatever they need to to get me set up with the forms I’ll need to go on disability. He did get a little jumpy at the idea of me staying home with a 3 1/2 year old, but I explained that I’d given up on “actually parenting” my children, and that I’m allowing “someone else to raise my children” so he’s in daycare full time, and we wouldn’t pull him out if I were out on bedrest. He breathed a sigh of relief.

There’s probably more, but I’ve got a deadline and a meeting soon. I hope you’re all well!

Posted in nuchal fold, triplets? | 19 Comments »

The Great Debate

May 3, 2007 by chezperky

Yesterday afternoon I was speaking with a coworker about the whole triplet thing. She asked when I’d be leaving and I said probably mid-June and I’d be gone probably until close to the end of the year. She looked horrified and said, “I would expect that you’d be out a good deal longer than that!” I’d certainly like to be, particularly considering that by the time my disability pay runs out, the babies may not even be out of the NICU, but as it stands, I’ll likely be back to work in November or December. Still horrified, she said, “but they’ll be so young and little! How can you leave them alone!” Well, said I, I won’t really have much of a choice about it. It’s just the way it is. I will have 8 weeks off and that’s all I get.

I didn’t realize exactly where she was going with this horror at first. I thought she was empathizing with ME for not being able to take more time to get acclimated to three preemie babies in my house. But then she said, “but what about the babies? What about parenting? What ever happened to that?”

Frankly, she’s lucky I didn’t punch her. Let’s get one thing clear: every family has different needs. Some parents are good parents. Some parents are less good parents. Some stay-at-home parents are terrific parents and some stay-at-home parents are lousy parents. Some working parents are lousy parents and some working parents are terrific parents. Judging me by my so-called “choice” to work after my children come into my life is not fair. No one knows what has gone into this “choice” of ours. Yes, we could move to a less expensive house. And we’d be giving up an amazingly supportive community and the ability to practice our religion in the way that we are expected to (e.g. we would have to move to someplace NOT within walking distance of an Orthodox synagogue). We could give up, you know, food, so that we could pay the mortgage without my salary, but I wasn’t thinking that was a great idea either.

We can’t afford for me not to work with only one child in our house (a child whose preschool tuition is paid for and whose most expensive needs are covered not by us). How on earth would we afford to pay for FOUR children in our house? Yes, we have some luxuries we could give up, but we don’t live an extravagant lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination and giving up those few luxuries would not be nearly enough to make up the difference in what we’d be losing in my salary. And even if we DID lead an extravagant lifestyle… so what? Why should I have to stay home? Why should it be assumed that I will stay home and not my husband? What if I wanted to work? Okay, admittedly, I don’t want to continue working full-time. But I would like to continue working at least part-time. I like what I do (sort of). I like having a field I’m very good at. I would also like having far more time on my hands to spend with my children.

I’m tired of hearing people make assumptions about people’s parenting priorities based solely on decisions of day care vs. nannies vs. stay-at-home-parents vs. whatever. It’s really none of anyone’s business whether I work or want to work or don’t want to work or whatever. I am just as dedicated to my childrens’ futures as any other parent.

So there.

Posted in parenting | 13 Comments »

The Great Debate

May 3, 2007 by chezperky

Yesterday afternoon I was speaking with a coworker about the whole triplet thing. She asked when I'd be leaving and I said probably mid-June and I'd be gone probably until close to the end of the year. She looked horrified and said, "I would expect that you'd be out a good deal longer than that!" I'd certainly like to be, particularly considering that by the time my disability pay runs out, the babies may not even be out of the NICU, but as it stands, I'll likely be back to work in November or December. Still horrified, she said, "but they'll be so young and little! How can you leave them alone!" Well, said I, I won't really have much of a choice about it. It's just the way it is. I will have 8 weeks off and that's all I get.

I didn't realize exactly where she was going with this horror at first. I thought she was empathizing with ME for not being able to take more time to get acclimated to three preemie babies in my house. But then she said, "but what about the babies? What about parenting? What ever happened to that?"

Frankly, she's lucky I didn't punch her. Let's get one thing clear: every family has different needs. Some parents are good parents. Some parents are less good parents. Some stay-at-home parents are terrific parents and some stay-at-home parents are lousy parents. Some working parents are lousy parents and some working parents are terrific parents. Judging me by my so-called "choice" to work after my children come into my life is not fair. No one knows what has gone into this "choice" of ours. Yes, we could move to a less expensive house. And we'd be giving up an amazingly supportive community and the ability to practice our religion in the way that we are expected to (e.g. we would have to move to someplace NOT within walking distance of an Orthodox synagogue). We could give up, you know, food, so that we could pay the mortgage without my salary, but I wasn't thinking that was a great idea either.

We can't afford for me not to work with only one child in our house (a child whose preschool tuition is paid for and whose most expensive needs are covered not by us). How on earth would we afford to pay for FOUR children in our house? Yes, we have some luxuries we could give up, but we don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination and giving up those few luxuries would not be nearly enough to make up the difference in what we'd be losing in my salary. And even if we DID lead an extravagant lifestyle… so what? Why should I have to stay home? Why should it be assumed that I will stay home and not my husband? What if I wanted to work? Okay, admittedly, I don't want to continue working full-time. But I would like to continue working at least part-time. I like what I do (sort of). I like having a field I'm very good at. I would also like having far more time on my hands to spend with my children.

I'm tired of hearing people make assumptions about people's parenting priorities based solely on decisions of day care vs. nannies vs. stay-at-home-parents vs. whatever. It's really none of anyone's business whether I work or want to work or don't want to work or whatever. I am just as dedicated to my childrens' futures as any other parent.

So there.

Posted in parenting | 13 Comments »

So far, So good

May 3, 2007 by chezperky

I'm under the wire with a deadline, so no time for much elaboration… but the Nuchal Translucency measurements were perfect. All three hovered at exactly the middle of the range of normal. They are all growing appropriately. Baby C is still the smallest, but is still growing at the same rate, so might just be genetically predisposed to being short (like me!). Baby A still has a placenta previa, the little troublemaker. Baby C didn't entirely want to cooperate. Those two are definitely related to their father, the difficult little monsters. Baby B was perfect and showed off and got right into position to get a clear NT measurement, gave a little wave, totally cooperated. Obviously, Baby B takes after his mother.

Heartbeats were all great: 151, 157, and 161.

They measured between 12w6d and 13w1d. I'm currently 13w1d, so that's perfect. Baby C has consistently measured exactly 2 days behind the others, so it's all good. Since the NT measurements were all perfect and they're all growing, I opted against the CVS. The Dr. agreed that there weren't any major red-flags to make him think I should seriously consider the CVS.

I asked whether I was being a big baby about thinking I'm not going to make it to 20 weeks still working and the doctor (Dr. G.) said absolutely not. They prefer that in the absence of objective findings that force bedrest that patients lead the way on what activity level is safe. They would prefer that patients NOT try to "push through" the stress or pain or discomfort. So, if in a couple weeks I feel like I can't do it anymore, they'll do whatever they need to to get me set up with the forms I'll need to go on disability. He did get a little jumpy at the idea of me staying home with a 3 1/2 year old, but I explained that I'd given up on "actually parenting" my children, and that I'm allowing "someone else to raise my children" so he's in daycare full time, and we wouldn't pull him out if I were out on bedrest. He breathed a sigh of relief.

There's probably more, but I've got a deadline and a meeting soon. I hope you're all well!

Posted in nuchal fold, triplets? | 26 Comments »

Anxious

May 2, 2007 by chezperky

Tomorrow is the re-try for the nuchal fold scan. It’s been two weeks since my last try (and the babies were only a hair too small then), so there shouldn’t be any problem getting the measurements this time. And I’m really anxious. Most people that I interact with on a regular basis know that I’m pregnant. There’s no hiding it. I’m wearing maternity blouses nearly exclusively right now. The only reason I’m still wearing my regular skirts is that I lost 19 pounds in my last pregnancy and 15 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy, and I’ve only gained back about 2 pounds so far. Anyway, the point is, everyone knows I’m pregnant at this point, for the most part. And if something happens tomorrow… I just don’t want to have to go through “un-telling” anyone.

So I’m nervous. Even though I’m sure everything is fine.

Also, I feel like hell. It’s already hard to breathe if I’m doing anything but lying down. My hips are killing me. I have unbelievably ridiculous cramping (which I’m still deciding not to worry about). My migraines are completely uncontrollable. And I’m a big whiner and I hate whining, so now I’m whining about the fact that I’m being a big, annoying whiner! I’m 13 weeks today and I seriously have no idea how I’m going to manage to work until 19/20 weeks, which is when I was told to expect not to be able to work anymore. I’m just not sure I’m going to make it that far. It’s already so hard for me to sit, stand, walk, whatever. I’m half-considering renting a scooter to get me through a few extra weeks of work, but the rest of me thinks, you know… having another few weeks off of work wouldn’t KILL me…

And, um, that’s all there is to report. Hopefully there will be more after my perinatology appointment tomorrow for the nuchal fold.

Posted in pregnancy symptoms abound, triplets? | 6 Comments »

Anxious

May 2, 2007 by chezperky

Tomorrow is the re-try for the nuchal fold scan. It's been two weeks since my last try (and the babies were only a hair too small then), so there shouldn't be any problem getting the measurements this time. And I'm really anxious. Most people that I interact with on a regular basis know that I'm pregnant. There's no hiding it. I'm wearing maternity blouses nearly exclusively right now. The only reason I'm still wearing my regular skirts is that I lost 19 pounds in my last pregnancy and 15 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy, and I've only gained back about 2 pounds so far. Anyway, the point is, everyone knows I'm pregnant at this point, for the most part. And if something happens tomorrow… I just don't want to have to go through "un-telling" anyone.

So I'm nervous. Even though I'm sure everything is fine.

Also, I feel like hell. It's already hard to breathe if I'm doing anything but lying down. My hips are killing me. I have unbelievably ridiculous cramping (which I'm still deciding not to worry about). My migraines are completely uncontrollable. And I'm a big whiner and I hate whining, so now I'm whining about the fact that I'm being a big, annoying whiner! I'm 13 weeks today and I seriously have no idea how I'm going to manage to work until 19/20 weeks, which is when I was told to expect not to be able to work anymore. I'm just not sure I'm going to make it that far. It's already so hard for me to sit, stand, walk, whatever. I'm half-considering renting a scooter to get me through a few extra weeks of work, but the rest of me thinks, you know… having another few weeks off of work wouldn't KILL me…

And, um, that's all there is to report. Hopefully there will be more after my perinatology appointment tomorrow for the nuchal fold.

Posted in pregnancy symptoms abound, triplets? | 7 Comments »

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