It seemed like such a simple request from my five year old: "Mommy, could you please have another baby?"
He's been asking more and more lately. You'd think with three little siblings taking time and attention away from him, the J-man would be just about babied out, wouldn't you? But he has the biggest heart possible and he seems to have no end to his capacity to love these babies and to want more babies to love. He tells me that these babies are so much fun and that he wants more babies to love. Me too, J-man, me too. If only it were that simple.
Friday, my cleaning lady said, "Don't you think it's about time for another baby already?"
After the triplets were born, I started having regular periods for the first time in my life. Every 29 days like clockwork. All signs pointed to the likelihood that I was ovulating for the first time in life, right down to the little slice of hell called PMDD. All this, despite nursing triplets. Go figure. I admit, it did leave me with the teeniest little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, I'd have the slightest possibility of a "happy accident" along the way, but no such luck. As I near the point that I'll be weaning Sam and Ellie (I've already stopped pumping for Abby), my body has already shifted back to its "normal" anovulatory, amenorrheal self. Isn't this a little backward? So I'm left realizing that the only way we're going to have another baby is to return to Ye Ol' Fertility Clinic. (Admittedly, I knew this all along, but you can't blame a girl for hoping, right?)
So. Where does that leave me? Normally, I'd say that leaves me making an appointment with my old fertility clinic, but there are two problems with that. The first is I'm pretty sure they're still pissed at me for not reducing the triplet pregnancy. The second is insurance coverage. I don't have insurance coverage for fertility treatment through my employer, but we do through my husband. But his coverage only covers me at the clinic at his hospital, not any other clinic (including my old clinic). This is a real pain in the neck, by the way, because my old clinic? is fifteen minutes away from my office. And the clinic that is covered? Is in Baltimore. An hour from my office. And the coverage includes an ENORMOUS deductible (several thousand dollars). So it's going to suck.
I know it seems ridiculous that I'm even thinking about having another child. I know it seems ridiculous that I have three one year olds and I'm already thinking of having another child. But the truth is, I know I want another and if I weren't an infertile myrtle I wouldn't have to justify myself. I'm so tired of justifying myself. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm greedy. Yes, I want more than I deserve. Yes, I want more than I'm entitled to. Yes, there are women in this world who haven't been blessed with even one baby, and here I am with four blessings, and I'm asking for one more miracle. And why now? Because the honest truth is that I don't know if I'm going to be granted another miracle. And I don't know how long it's going to take to achieve that miracle if I make it there. It took five years, twenty thousand dollars, and a vast error in judgement on my doctors' parts to get the triplets.
So how do I answer my five year old's innocent question? "Mommy, could you please have another baby?"
I hope so. I just wish I knew how.
ChezPerky 