It seemed like such a simple request from my five year old: "Mommy, could you please have another baby?"
He's been asking more and more lately. You'd think with three little siblings taking time and attention away from him, the J-man would be just about babied out, wouldn't you? But he has the biggest heart possible and he seems to have no end to his capacity to love these babies and to want more babies to love. He tells me that these babies are so much fun and that he wants more babies to love. Me too, J-man, me too. If only it were that simple.
Friday, my cleaning lady said, "Don't you think it's about time for another baby already?"
After the triplets were born, I started having regular periods for the first time in my life. Every 29 days like clockwork. All signs pointed to the likelihood that I was ovulating for the first time in life, right down to the little slice of hell called PMDD. All this, despite nursing triplets. Go figure. I admit, it did leave me with the teeniest little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, I'd have the slightest possibility of a "happy accident" along the way, but no such luck. As I near the point that I'll be weaning Sam and Ellie (I've already stopped pumping for Abby), my body has already shifted back to its "normal" anovulatory, amenorrheal self. Isn't this a little backward? So I'm left realizing that the only way we're going to have another baby is to return to Ye Ol' Fertility Clinic. (Admittedly, I knew this all along, but you can't blame a girl for hoping, right?)
So. Where does that leave me? Normally, I'd say that leaves me making an appointment with my old fertility clinic, but there are two problems with that. The first is I'm pretty sure they're still pissed at me for not reducing the triplet pregnancy. The second is insurance coverage. I don't have insurance coverage for fertility treatment through my employer, but we do through my husband. But his coverage only covers me at the clinic at his hospital, not any other clinic (including my old clinic). This is a real pain in the neck, by the way, because my old clinic? is fifteen minutes away from my office. And the clinic that is covered? Is in Baltimore. An hour from my office. And the coverage includes an ENORMOUS deductible (several thousand dollars). So it's going to suck.
I know it seems ridiculous that I'm even thinking about having another child. I know it seems ridiculous that I have three one year olds and I'm already thinking of having another child. But the truth is, I know I want another and if I weren't an infertile myrtle I wouldn't have to justify myself. I'm so tired of justifying myself. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm greedy. Yes, I want more than I deserve. Yes, I want more than I'm entitled to. Yes, there are women in this world who haven't been blessed with even one baby, and here I am with four blessings, and I'm asking for one more miracle. And why now? Because the honest truth is that I don't know if I'm going to be granted another miracle. And I don't know how long it's going to take to achieve that miracle if I make it there. It took five years, twenty thousand dollars, and a vast error in judgement on my doctors' parts to get the triplets.
So how do I answer my five year old's innocent question? "Mommy, could you please have another baby?"
I hope so. I just wish I knew how.
ChezPerky 
i really hope that you’re blessed with another baby. lots of luck in getting all of the logistics figured out. you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish you lots of luck and I hope the journey to another baby is short. You don’t have to justify anything. You want another baby, it isn’t something that needs to be justified. I hope it happens soon.
Just tell J that you will try. I hope that you are able to figure out the best way for you to grow your family and that you will have a normal, uncomplicated singleton pregnancy.
I am so excited for you to start trying for another baby. No matter what it takes, I think you can do it.
Just a question – how will you know when you are done adding to your family? I’m not sure if I will ever know that I am done, until it is not possible to try anymore. Of course, I have no children so far, so… its a bit of a different situation.
I hope that J’s wish is granted soon. 🙂
I wish you NOTHING but the best 🙂 I would love to see you have another 🙂
K, I’m totally going back to lurking now 🙂
“…the truth is, I know I want another and if I weren’t an infertile myrtle I wouldn’t have to justify myself. I’m so tired of justifying myself.”
Amen to that. There is no ideal course of action. Just the best of what options you’ve got.
Bea
I’m so glad that you are willing to write about this. I hope that you aren’t put in a position where you need to ‘justify’ your decision in person.
And I think it’s wonderful that J is so excited about a new sibling, whenever he or she might arrive.
aww…it IS a sad world we live in that a mama should have to justify the longing in her heart to be blessed with more children to love. wishing you TONS of baby magic and a blessed miracle!!
i wish i could pass off my fertility to others. *big hugs* i am hoping for another baby for the perky household!!
First you don’t have to justify ANYTHING to ANYONE including Ye Ol’ infertility clinic. Tell the J man you will certainly try, but can’t gaurantee anything. That is an HONEST answer.
If anyone stands in your judgement remind them…”judge not lest ye be judged”
If you do switch to the Baltimore clinic, I could keep you company whenever you had to wait. 🙂
May I join you in crazy land? My triplets are three weeks old, my daughter is 2, and I already want to try for one more.
There’s no need for ANY person to justify his or her desires — no matter what they are. We want what we want, and we are all entitled to our hopes and dreams without judgment from others.
My prayers are with you.
Christy
I read your blog all the time, but I’m the worst commenter in the world.
However, a post like this just really gets me thinking.
I don’t care that you have four kids. That should not exclude you from being able to desire another. Besides, you have 4 kids in 1 pregnancy. Honestly, that’s not how you pictured it going. You still have a desire for a normal pregnacy free of all the fear and monitoring and complications and even a vaginal birth, don’t you? There are a lot of desires you have. And what you have currently shouldn’t negate your ability to voice those.
I’m 7 months pregnant with our first, and pray every day this gives me a baby in January. But I too find myself wondering will this be my only pregnancy, or what will it take to get another one, and once I have a baby how will I feel about IF and myself?
People like you and me and the IF ladies we know will always be haunted by not being able to be “normal” and take having children for granted as something we can schedule as we please.
I think you should be free to talk and do as you desire. You are one amazing mommy and you and Seth having another baby in the future would be another child put into a home full of love and nurturing and some pretty doggone sweet siblings!
1 – Shame on the old office for being angry that you didn’t reduce. How dare they! Jerks! (And I’m being nice!)
2 – J-Man is the most amazing big brother ever. I think it is utterly adorable and beautiful that he wants more siblings to love.
3 – Isn’t Maryland a mandated state for fertility coverage? I’m know you’ve covered all the bases here so I’ll just stop right now.
4 – Every day I am amazed at the amount of love your family gives and receives. It is beautiful.
5 – I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting another kid. I think another kid in a townhome might be a bit much, but at this point, who would even notice another baby? 🙂
Good Luck! I hope you get everything your heart desires.
I hope that things work out in the most positive of fashions… And wanting a fifth child is so not crazy, if you can capable of caring for another than there is nothing wrong with it.
I feel like I need to comment on what you said;
-I don’t think that it is ridiculous that you want another baby. When you have a lot of love to give, which you and your husband obviously do, then wanting another baby is the most natural feeling that you can possibly have.
-Having to justify yourself? You don’t have to justify your life to anyone else. I am so sorry that people make you feel that way. They should mind their own business. The problem is theirs and not yours.
-Crazy? Probably only in a good way.
-Greedy? I don’t think that anyone can accuse someone who wants children of being greedy.
-Wanting more then you deserve or entitled to? Firstly, I think you have paid your dues. You have had so many challenges that you deserve exactly what you want, which in this case is at least one more child. Wanting more children is decidedly unselfish, especially in your case since you already know what motherhood is all about. You are exactly the type of person who should have as many children as you have room for in your heart.
-One more miracle? I think there are plently to go around. You deserve another.
-MD’s office being mad at you? F**k them (sorry). They are there for you, not you for them. You get to make the final decision about your care and as you are a very intelligent person there should be no problem with that.
Sorry this is so long and honestly any decision you make about adding to your family is between you and your husband and no one else–not even people who read your blog and write books for comments 🙂
Hey if you have triplets and you WANT another child, more power to you. Obviously you know what you are getting yourself into, and why should you have to apologize for it? And if anything your old clinic should feel ashamed for wanting you to reduce so badly. You have three little miracles that provide very good proof of why you made the right decision.
Yes, it is SO wrong that infertiles have to justify their desires for more children.
I hope you have a healthy pregnancy in your near future.
You should not have to justify your desire to get pregnant and have more kids. Your children are lucky to have both you and your husband as parents, so it’s no wonder the J-man wants to share his blessings with others. Do what feels right to you. I’ll still be reading and cheering you on.
Hmmm, Crazy, maybe a little (smile). But greedy, no way! Everyone does what is best for their family and if you desire to add to your family I say go for it. You are a great mother and entitled to another pregnancy without having to justify it to anyone. Good luck! Elaine
Everybody already said it much more eloquently, but I feel the need to echo the sentiment that you do not have to justify your desire for more children. You’re a fabulous mom and any children you have will bring positive energy and good deeds into the world. Bring it on!
I *only* have 3. I don’t see why everyone makes such a big stink about wanting to have more. I come from a big family and each time a new baby came, we had more love to give. It’s obvious that you care for every one of your children deeply. If you really want another baby (or babies!), go for it!
Infertility and fertility coverage sucks. You are lucky to have insurance but 1 hour away with 4 kids sounds nearly impossible. If you decide to go with your old place they are just going to get over you having triplets. The RE that decided to transfer 3 embryos in to me would barely acknowledge me my whole pregnancy. She was so annoyed I was having triplets she could barely look at me. How rude! Once the kids were born healthy she was nice again. Just plain weird.
You aren’t crazy. If we had the money and I wasn’t 40 we would do it again. I want another baby too.
Holy crap, that’s so exciting! First that he wants more and isn’t all self-absorbed like he easily could be at his age, but second that you’re going to go ahead:-)
Re the coverage and the clinic, I’d really struggle with the hour drive, but coverage is a very very VERRRRRY nice thing. Good luck!
I love love love that you’ve gotten 24 totally positive comments on this post… 🙂 It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside…
The clinic is pissed at you?! Um, as I recall, their negligence got you pregnant with triplets in the first place! You were supposed to reduce because of their poor judgement? Do they advocate abortion as birth control too? This time they had better let you go right to IVF, to, hello, avoid even getting to the point of a reduction decision.
What changed about your husband’s coverage that the old clinic isn’t covered?
I too have 4 beautiful children (all girls though). My last pregnancy resulted in identical twins and it annoys me to no end that everyone assumes we are done. They act like having multiples is the end of the world, but honestly it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was so much more fun this time around. Now that the ‘babies’ are nearly 2 I’m thinking that having one more would be like the icing on the cake (a 4 layer cake!) and I’m tired of feeling like a freak for feeling that way. I just have to tell myself that none of those people’s opinions matter one bit! Unfortunately the one person who’s opinion DOES matter is my hubby’s – and he is not of the same opinion as me. He’s afraid to try again in case we get ‘blessed’ with triplet girls next time around!
It took me forever until I got here (18 years) but my family is complete. Before Yirmi came along, it wasn’t. I hope you will have as many children as you need to make you feel your family is complete. For me, it turned out to be 6. My younger brother is now expecting his 7th, after 2 singletons & 2 sets of twins who were 2-1/2 years apart.
I never thought I would reach a point when I wouldn’t even want another child, but it happened 🙂