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Archive for February, 2008

I've been taking Ellie to the doctor every single week because she's been pretty stubborn about the growth thing… after that first week when she grew 18 ounces in 10 days, she stalled completely and stopped growing for a couple weeks. Sigh. BUT! Today, finally, my little Ellie bellie seems to be back on an upturn. She is over 9 pounds now, which still puts her way behind her siblings, but she's finally making some progress. She's the only baby that hasn't tripled her birth weight yet, but at least she's doubled it. The good news is that I don't have to go back until March 11th, which seems like an eternity. Dr. B. said I can come back sooner if I get a sense that she's slowing down again or she starts striking again, but if I have the sense that she's continuing to grow and she's continuing to improve, we can hold off for another 2+ weeks. Unbelievable.

Meanwhile, Abby and Sam continue to grow, but that's no shocker. Abby's got a new nighttime pattern for eating. She used to go to sleep after her 6 or 7pm feedig and sleep until about 2am and then eat and go back to sleep until about 6am. Lately, though, she's been waking up at 11pm starving (which is ridiculous, because we've actually started feeding her more than we had been). So we feed her at 11pm and then she either sleeps through the night or wakes up around 4, which isn't that far off of when we have to wake up anyway. But it's weird, and I'm not sure why she's changed her pattern. It's not that big a deal, but it's new.

Sam never stops eating. Dr. B. says that he's big enough that he should be able to sleep through the night now (calorically speaking), but every night at 2am, 4am, 5am, and 6am I have the same conversation with Sam:

Me: Dr. B. SAID you're big enough to sleep through the night!
Sam: Mommy! Please don't make me! I'm so hungreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm wasting away! I'll be so saaaaaad if you make me wait!
Me: But Dr. B. PROMISED ME that you're big enough to sleep through the night!
Sam (with the saddest look possible on his face, while screaming BLOODY MURDER): MOMMY! PLEASE! You wouldn't actually make me wait would you? I'm so hungry! Please don't make me! Please don't! I'm starving! Please!
Me: Well, I'm sure as heck not going to listen to screaming all night, of COURSE I'm not going to let you starve, no matter WHAT Dr. B. says.

Then after Sam's had his fill, Ellie and I go and have the opposite conversation:

Me: Ellie, Dr. B. SAID you're not big enough to sleep through the night!
Ellie: Mommy! Please don't make me! I'm so sleepeeeeeeeee! I need my beauty sleep! I'll be so saaaaaaaad if you make me wake up!
Me: But Dr. B. SAID that you need to eat more often!
Ellie (completely sleepy): *yawn* Please mommy, don't make me…*snore*
Me: huh? wha? What time is it? Can I go back to sleep now?

And then, it's usually time to have another conversation with Sam… But Dr. B. SAID you're big enough to sleep through the night!

Thank heavens J sleeps through the night!

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Many times when I start a post, I regret that I am not more eloquent. I wish that I had better words to express the thoughts in my head for a lot of selfish reasons…but mostly so that people will enjoy reading my blog. But today, I regret my total lack of eloquence for a far more desperate reason. You see, I read a lot of blogs, and I don’t always comment on them, and not everyone knows that I’m around, and I always think “I’ll get around to commenting someday.” And sometimes, “someday” is too late.

I’ve been reading Keira’s blog on and off for a few months now, but I’m pretty sure I never commented before this week. And now… it’s not too late, but mere words are just so inadequate to express my anguish over her loss of her little warrior princess, Sweet Zoe Rose.

If I were eloquent, I would say something meaningful and comforting and full of hope and life. But I am empty and sad and full of despair. I feel torn apart for this woman, for this family, who I have never met, who doesn’t know me, who probably doesn’t know I exist, and I feel like I am breaking into pieces. It’s not right of me, it’s not my loss and it’s selfish of me to be feeling like this, but all I can imagine is the pain I’d be feeling if I lost one of mine… this was one of my deepest, most biting fears when I found out I was pregnant with triplets. And while I know that loss can strike any parent… for some reason, the fear gripped me harder in the face of triplets than in the face of a singleton.

What I do know is that last night, I hugged each of my four children a little tighter before bed, and wiped an extra tear away before anyone could see. And I so fervently wish that I had the eloquence to adequately express to Keira how much I care for her, despite the fact that she has absolutely no idea who I am.

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Many times when I start a post, I regret that I am not more eloquent. I wish that I had better words to express the thoughts in my head for a lot of selfish reasons…but mostly so that people will enjoy reading my blog. But today, I regret my total lack of eloquence for a far more desperate reason. You see, I read a lot of blogs, and I don't always comment on them, and not everyone knows that I'm around, and I always think "I'll get around to commenting someday." And sometimes, "someday" is too late.

I've been reading Keira's blog on and off for a few months now, but I'm pretty sure I never commented before this week. And now… it's not too late, but mere words are just so inadequate to express my anguish over her loss of her little warrior princess, Sweet Zoe Rose.

If I were eloquent, I would say something meaningful and comforting and full of hope and life. But I am empty and sad and full of despair. I feel torn apart for this woman, for this family, who I have never met, who doesn't know me, who probably doesn't know I exist, and I feel like I am breaking into pieces. It's not right of me, it's not my loss and it's selfish of me to be feeling like this, but all I can imagine is the pain I'd be feeling if I lost one of mine… this was one of my deepest, most biting fears when I found out I was pregnant with triplets. And while I know that loss can strike any parent… for some reason, the fear gripped me harder in the face of triplets than in the face of a singleton.

What I do know is that last night, I hugged each of my four children a little tighter before bed, and wiped an extra tear away before anyone could see. And I so fervently wish that I had the eloquence to adequately express to Keira how much I care for her, despite the fact that she has absolutely no idea who I am.

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My babies are FIVE MONTHS OLD today. Can you believe that I’m such a lazy sloth that in FIVE MONTHS I still haven’t managed to write about the day of their birth??? Man, I suck. Maybe before they’re six months old. Hah, I say, Hah!

It didn’t escape my notice, though I failed to find the time to make a blog post, that February 14th marked an anniversary for us. A year ago, in the midst of a pretty nasty ice storm, despite J having school cancelled, and terrible road conditions, S and I dragged ourselves out to the clinic for IUI day, for an IUI that was doomed to fail. The IUI was SO definitely going to fail that I had my IVF consult two days later and Dr. Amazing told me flat out that it was time to move on, and there was no way I was going to get a positive beta out of that ridiculous cycle. Everything went wrong with that cycle. Everything. Except my three precious miracles. They were right. A year later and here I am, looking at my three beautiful babies, and I know that no matter how WRONG that cycle was… everything was exactly right.

I cried tears of emptiness every day that I didn’t have any babies in my arms. And I cry tears of joy every day now that my beautiful babies are here. S heard me say that to someone recently and asked if I meant that literally. “I mean, I know that I’m dense sometimes, but did I miss you crying every day?” In the beginning, no, I didn’t literally cry tears every single day… but by the end… yeah, I really did. Not sobbing, wretching, buckets of tears, but I wiped a tear or two off my cheek every day toward the end. Especially after the miscarriage. And now, sometimes I stand over my babies’ crib at night and hold their tiny little hands as they sleep and I’m so overwhelmed with joy and love and even a little sadness for all the years of loss… that I still wipe a tear away. But these are hard-earned tears, and I wouldn’t give them up for anything.

And our babies…our beautiful babies… they’re growing up. I went through and took out all their Newborn clothes from their shelves. And I even took out all of Sam’s 0-3 month sized clothes. Ellie still fits in 0-3 month clothes (and even some NB clothes, but I put those away anyway, since she’s not lacking for clothes). They’re getting bigger every day, and it’s so funny to see it happen right before my eyes. My nanny tells me things don’t fit and I don’t believe her and then I take a look and it’s true! How could this be!? But, despite my belief that they are as teeney as the day they were born, they just aren’t. Abby is over three times her birth weight, and Sam is getting close to three times his birth weight. Ellie’s not there yet, but she’s finally double her birth weight, which is astounding. They just keep getting bigger and bigger.

In other milestones, Sam learned a new trick last week… If I leave the room and he cries, I come back! Yep, he’s got me wrapped around his little finger. And when I walk back in the room, he smiles and coos and calms right down. And then if I walk back out of the room, he starts fussing again! And so it goes… He’s still my little piggy and he wants to eat ALL NIGHT LONG nearly every hour and I have no idea how to break him of this habit, because he’s clearly truly hungry when he wakes up. I tried explaining to him logically last night that Dr. B. said that at his weight he should be ABLE to sleep through the night, but Sam was having nothing to do with it and he responded quite indignantly.

Abby is our smiliest baby who coos the most of all. Yesterday S even got her to giggle for the first time! More significantly, this week she started sleeping laying flat in the pack n’ play. She had been sleeping in a bouncy chair, which was really aggravating, because I was totally convinced she was never going to sleep in a crib, ever, but it’s finally happening! Best of all, she wakes up happy and smiling in the morning, which is a beautiful thing.

Ellie didn’t grow at all last week, but it’s clear that she’s growing now. She’s far more alert now than she was even last week, and she’s not nearly so skeletal looking. You can still see her ribs, but her thighs are chunking out a little and her face has a little more pudge to it. She’s finally got enough fat on her face that we’ve discovered she has dimples! Now that she’s more alert, she’s been rewarding us with lots of beautiful smiles. She’s also been fussing more than she had been, but I take that as a sign that she’s more aware of her environment, so it’s a good thing. She has another appointment on Friday, and I expect that she will have grown a bit then, so we’ll see. She still has a gastroenterology follow up scheduled next week. I haven’t cancelled it yet, but I suspect I might. I feel like her pediatrician is handling it appropriately and I don’t see how the gastroenterologist will really add anything of value at this point. We’ll see.

My father and his wife are coming to visit this weekend. It’s the first time they’ve seen the babies since the day the babies were discharged from the NICU, over four months ago. Amazing how time flies when you’re sleep-deprived. In many ways, parenting triplets (so far) has been a million times easier than I expected it to be. In other ways, it has been far more challenging than I could ever describe. I don’t feel like it’s more than I can handle, but I feel terribly inadequate for the job. I fear that I will be an inadequate parent for my children…that I will shortchange them in ways that I might not have if I’d had them one at a time. I fear that they will miss out on the individual attention they should be getting. I fear that J is missing out on individual attention that HE should be getting right now. But I also know that these are all fears I’d be having even with a singleton. I know that all parents fear inadequacy, and I know that the only thing I can ask of myself is that I strive to be the best parent I CAN be on any given day. Some days that will be enough, and some days it won’t be, but every day it will be as much as it can be and that’s really all I can ask of myself today.

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My babies are FIVE MONTHS OLD today. Can you believe that I'm such a lazy sloth that in FIVE MONTHS I still haven't managed to write about the day of their birth??? Man, I suck. Maybe before they're six months old. Hah, I say, Hah!

It didn't escape my notice, though I failed to find the time to make a blog post, that February 14th marked an anniversary for us. A year ago, in the midst of a pretty nasty ice storm, despite J having school cancelled, and terrible road conditions, S and I dragged ourselves out to the clinic for IUI day, for an IUI that was doomed to fail. The IUI was SO definitely going to fail that I had my IVF consult two days later and Dr. Amazing told me flat out that it was time to move on, and there was no way I was going to get a positive beta out of that ridiculous cycle. Everything went wrong with that cycle. Everything. Except my three precious miracles. They were right. A year later and here I am, looking at my three beautiful babies, and I know that no matter how WRONG that cycle was… everything was exactly right.

I cried tears of emptiness every day that I didn't have any babies in my arms. And I cry tears of joy every day now that my beautiful babies are here. S heard me say that to someone recently and asked if I meant that literally. "I mean, I know that I'm dense sometimes, but did I miss you crying every day?" In the beginning, no, I didn't literally cry tears every single day… but by the end… yeah, I really did. Not sobbing, wretching, buckets of tears, but I wiped a tear or two off my cheek every day toward the end. Especially after the miscarriage. And now, sometimes I stand over my babies' crib at night and hold their tiny little hands as they sleep and I'm so overwhelmed with joy and love and even a little sadness for all the years of loss… that I still wipe a tear away. But these are hard-earned tears, and I wouldn't give them up for anything.

And our babies…our beautiful babies… they're growing up. I went through and took out all their Newborn clothes from their shelves. And I even took out all of Sam's 0-3 month sized clothes. Ellie still fits in 0-3 month clothes (and even some NB clothes, but I put those away anyway, since she's not lacking for clothes). They're getting bigger every day, and it's so funny to see it happen right before my eyes. My nanny tells me things don't fit and I don't believe her and then I take a look and it's true! How could this be!? But, despite my belief that they are as teeney as the day they were born, they just aren't. Abby is over three times her birth weight, and Sam is getting close to three times his birth weight. Ellie's not there yet, but she's finally double her birth weight, which is astounding. They just keep getting bigger and bigger.

In other milestones, Sam learned a new trick last week… If I leave the room and he cries, I come back! Yep, he's got me wrapped around his little finger. And when I walk back in the room, he smiles and coos and calms right down. And then if I walk back out of the room, he starts fussing again! And so it goes… He's still my little piggy and he wants to eat ALL NIGHT LONG nearly every hour and I have no idea how to break him of this habit, because he's clearly truly hungry when he wakes up. I tried explaining to him logically last night that Dr. B. said that at his weight he should be ABLE to sleep through the night, but Sam was having nothing to do with it and he responded quite indignantly.

Abby is our smiliest baby who coos the most of all. Yesterday S even got her to giggle for the first time! More significantly, this week she started sleeping laying flat in the pack n' play. She had been sleeping in a bouncy chair, which was really aggravating, because I was totally convinced she was never going to sleep in a crib, ever, but it's finally happening! Best of all, she wakes up happy and smiling in the morning, which is a beautiful thing.

Ellie didn't grow at all last week, but it's clear that she's growing now. She's far more alert now than she was even last week, and she's not nearly so skeletal looking. You can still see her ribs, but her thighs are chunking out a little and her face has a little more pudge to it. She's finally got enough fat on her face that we've discovered she has dimples! Now that she's more alert, she's been rewarding us with lots of beautiful smiles. She's also been fussing more than she had been, but I take that as a sign that she's more aware of her environment, so it's a good thing. She has another appointment on Friday, and I expect that she will have grown a bit then, so we'll see. She still has a gastroenterology follow up scheduled next week. I haven't cancelled it yet, but I suspect I might. I feel like her pediatrician is handling it appropriately and I don't see how the gastroenterologist will really add anything of value at this point. We'll see.

My father and his wife are coming to visit this weekend. It's the first time they've seen the babies since the day the babies were discharged from the NICU, over four months ago. Amazing how time flies when you're sleep-deprived. In many ways, parenting triplets (so far) has been a million times easier than I expected it to be. In other ways, it has been far more challenging than I could ever describe. I don't feel like it's more than I can handle, but I feel terribly inadequate for the job. I fear that I will be an inadequate parent for my children…that I will shortchange them in ways that I might not have if I'd had them one at a time. I fear that they will miss out on the individual attention they should be getting. I fear that J is missing out on individual attention that HE should be getting right now. But I also know that these are all fears I'd be having even with a singleton. I know that all parents fear inadequacy, and I know that the only thing I can ask of myself is that I strive to be the best parent I CAN be on any given day. Some days that will be enough, and some days it won't be, but every day it will be as much as it can be and that's really all I can ask of myself today.

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Answer to Anonymous

I still hate that Blogger doesn’t do threaded comments, so I’ll respond to Anonymous’ questions on pumping here:

While driving to and from work can you steal some additional pumping sessions using something like a Whisper Wear pump?

My commute to work, thankfully, is really too short for this to be useful. And I do pump while at work, of course, but there’s just only so many times I can do that. I’ll point out that the Whisper Wear Pump has been discontinued by the manufacturer. While I don’t know why, my guess is it’s because it doesn’t work. I actually have a Whisper Wear Pump and my experience is… it doesn’t work (and, oh by the way, it’s LOUD). From the reviews I can find online, it seems that it definitely does not work with women who are, uh, how shall I say… ahem… well endowed. And people who are small breasted seem to have only minimally good experience with it. I’m in the well-endowed category and I can’t get a drop out of it, so I found it to be a phenomenal waste of money.

While a baby nurses from one side can you hand pump the other?

If I’m nursing only one baby, and I haven’t recently pumped, I nearly always pump the other side. But I don’t use a hand pump, I use my hospital-grade electric pump for that. But it also depends on whether I’m about to nurse another baby. My experience is that if I pump and then feed a baby, the baby doesn’t get enough (remember that I weigh Ellie before and after feeding her, so I do have a quantitative way of measuring this), so if I’m feeding Sam and I know that I’m going to be feeding Ellie immediately afterward, I might pump for a few minutes on the other side just to get to the hindmilk stage (higher calorie), but I won’t do a full pumping session. I am often, however, feeding two babies at once, so there’s nothing to pump at the same time. (I’ve backed off on simultaneous feeding recently, because I’m finding Ellie doesn’t eat as much if I feed them both at the same time… I’m not sure why this is, but it seems consistently true)

I do often pump AFTER nursing the babies, because in THEORY this is supposed to boost my supply. However, my experience is that I nearly NEVER get more than a couple cc’s if I pump after feeding the babies. They’re pretty good at fully draining me, which is a good thing. I can’t pump after nursing them EVERY time they nurse, because, honestly, there are only so many hours in the day.

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Answer to Anonymous

I still hate that Blogger doesn't do threaded comments, so I'll respond to Anonymous' questions on pumping here:

While driving to and from work can you steal some additional pumping sessions using something like a Whisper Wear pump?

My commute to work, thankfully, is really too short for this to be useful. And I do pump while at work, of course, but there's just only so many times I can do that. I'll point out that the Whisper Wear Pump has been discontinued by the manufacturer. While I don't know why, my guess is it's because it doesn't work. I actually have a Whisper Wear Pump and my experience is… it doesn't work (and, oh by the way, it's LOUD). From the reviews I can find online, it seems that it definitely does not work with women who are, uh, how shall I say… ahem… well endowed. And people who are small breasted seem to have only minimally good experience with it. I'm in the well-endowed category and I can't get a drop out of it, so I found it to be a phenomenal waste of money.

While a baby nurses from one side can you hand pump the other?

If I'm nursing only one baby, and I haven't recently pumped, I nearly always pump the other side. But I don't use a hand pump, I use my hospital-grade electric pump for that. But it also depends on whether I'm about to nurse another baby. My experience is that if I pump and then feed a baby, the baby doesn't get enough (remember that I weigh Ellie before and after feeding her, so I do have a quantitative way of measuring this), so if I'm feeding Sam and I know that I'm going to be feeding Ellie immediately afterward, I might pump for a few minutes on the other side just to get to the hindmilk stage (higher calorie), but I won't do a full pumping session. I am often, however, feeding two babies at once, so there's nothing to pump at the same time. (I've backed off on simultaneous feeding recently, because I'm finding Ellie doesn't eat as much if I feed them both at the same time… I'm not sure why this is, but it seems consistently true)

I do often pump AFTER nursing the babies, because in THEORY this is supposed to boost my supply. However, my experience is that I nearly NEVER get more than a couple cc's if I pump after feeding the babies. They're pretty good at fully draining me, which is a good thing. I can't pump after nursing them EVERY time they nurse, because, honestly, there are only so many hours in the day.

Read Full Post »

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