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Archive for December 9th, 2008

Her words cut through me, more painful than a knife cutting through my flesh.  Her selfishness about her own feelings and her inability to realize how her words would affect me, so apparent. 

"You know," she said, with no prompting from me, "when you guys first told me about the triplets and you were telling me that doctors were encouraging you to reduce the pregnancy… " 

Clearly this was going nowhere good.

"I think about that often.  And I just."  She starts getting a little choked up here.  "I am just so glad that you didn't.  Because I wonder all the time which one of those precious babies wouldn't be here."

I feel my face burning with anger, thankful for the very small favor that this conversation is taking place over the phone, rather than in person.  How dare she?  How frickin' DARE she make this about HER pain?  Is there anyone out there who does not believe that I did not agonize over ever even considering a reduction after seeing three perfectly viable heartbeats?  Does she think it was fun having doctors tell me my two choices were to try to carry all three and probably lose all three and possibly compromise my own health or reduce to possibly increase the chances for everyone, but still risk losing them all? 

I know which baby wouldn't have been here if I'd reduced.  Does she think I don't know that?  Does she think it isn't awful enough in and of itself that I know that?  Does she think that's not awful enough without being reminded of it?  Did she really *have* to bring it up without any good reason?

And really, how dare she fail to consider how her words might affect my state of mind.  How dare she only consider her own pain, pain which frankly she has no right to feel, and never consider that I might still suffer from that time?  From the knowledge of the power that I held?

I don't think about it much, really.  I don't consider it often.  I prefer not to, to be honest – what's the point?  I had good reasons for considering it when I did, and I had good reasons for deciding not to go down that road.  I'm not sorry we chose to continue with the triplet pregnancy, but neither am I sorry that we considered all of our medical options.  I am sorry, however, that someone feels the need to consider her ridiculous emotions over mine. 

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