This has been a month full of hard news. The loss of the second twin of a member of our multiples club. The catastrophic fire in the triplet family's house. And now… something I can't even understand, and something I can hardly even write about, for I am just sick over it.
My friend Yael's 5 month old daughter died last night. She died in an accident, without warning, while Yael was at work. She was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late, and there was nothing that could be done to save her.
How can any mother ever surive the pain of such a loss? How can anyone ever explain the loss of a child? How can we explain a God who rips away a child from her mother after only 154 days together? How dare He? How could He be so cruel? I have heard all the explanations. I know that many believe that her neshama (soul) completed what she needed to complete her on earth and is now closer to Hashem (God). That she was so special that she only needed to be here briefly to touch the lives that she touched before moving closer to Hashem. I've heard it. I know that so many feel comfort in these thoughts. I know that I'm supposed to believe these things. I know that I'm supposed to hold on to these things. But all I can feel is horror at the idea that idea that there is any right or justification in ripping a child from her mother.
I held my babies close tonight. They squirmed and tried to get away, because they didn't understand. But I held them tight. I squeezed the J-man a little longer when I said good night and he asked me why and I told him it was because I love him so much and he said, "but if you always hug me so long I won't be able to breathe!" I suppose there is more wisdom in that statement than he will ever realize. Still, it was hard to let go of any of my children tonight.
If Yael's baby could be ripped from her last night with no warning, with no justification, with no reason, with no fairness – well, I can't even finish my thought. It's too horrible to even say it.
I don't even know what to think or feel. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm just… I don't even know.
I think I'll be offline for a bit. I've got a lot going on right now – the Petrucelli Relief. My own work. My own family. My class. Meetings. Appointments. Therapy for the kids (did I mention the triplets are getting speech therapy now?) Now this. I just don't have it in me to be blogging about too much right now. Don't assume that radio silence means there's anything wrong – it just means I'm swamped.
