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Archive for April 12th, 2009

I’m going to say something that’s going to sound absolutely contrary to common sense. I do realize that I’m taking Lupron every day and that likely has something to do with my lack of sense right now and I probably shouldn’t be held responsible for my actions. Hell, being on Lupron should be reason enough to keep me away from a keyboard at all times, lest I do something stupid, like type something as nonesensical as I’m about to type. But, alas, if I kept myself away from the keyboard every time I was on Lupron, how would I fill the (virtual) pages of my blog? How would I keep my faithful readers on the edges of your seats?

No, I simply cannot stay away from the keyboard every time I’m shooting myself up with that G-dforsaken drug. That wouldn’t be fun for anyone, would it?

ANYWAY. On to my complete lack of logic.

I am petrified to get pregnant.

No, really! I am. I’ve had such a phenomenally crappy year that… I just… There’s this huge piece of me that just feels like it just couldn’t turn out well right now if I did get pregnant. But then again? Part of the crappiness this year has been the NOT getting pregnant and the canceled cycle, etc. So I dunno.

It’s really stupid, I know. But there’s also the fact that my two pregnancy experiences weren’t… great. The first one I bled for the entire first trimester and then miscarried a day into the second trimester. The second one was an HOM pregnancy in which I went into preterm labor at 17 weeks and spent most of the pregnancy petrified of losing all of the babies. I know that we’re doing everything right this time to avoid exactly that scenario, but there is good reason to believe I won’t necessarily have the easiest of pregnancies. You know, if I actually got pregnant in the first place, and if it lasted long enough to get to be crappy.

Sigh. I know that I’ll be ecstatic if I get pregnant and devastated if I don’t, so this is probably an exercise in frustration and futility. I don’t know why I’m even whining about it.

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Left Ovary: 12mm and 11mm
Right Ovary: 14mm and 11mm

Do I sense the possibility of a lead follicle in the making? Does this sound familiar??

Yeah.

Edit: Results from clinic are in. E2 = 145. Endometrium = 8.1. Stay on same doses of medications and return to office on Tuesday. This gives me absolutely no information upon which to base my feelings one way or another, and I didn’t see a doctor today, so who knows.

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Back

So here I am. Now under lock and key, sort of. I’m nearly at my 100 reader limit, so I don’t know that I’ll really stick with this lock down for long, but I wanted it for now. Why? Because a friend of mine requested to follow my notaclowncar twitter account. The only place I’ve ever advertised that account is on this blog. So how else could she have found out about that twitter account than by reading this blog? I don’t want her reading this blog, really. There’s not a really good reason I don’t want her reading this blog, but honestly? If she’s reading it, why isn’t she just telling me that she’s reading it? I’m not in a really good place right now, and you know? If she’s reading my blog(s), she knows that, and she’s made no effort to reach out to me in any way. And if she’s not saying anything because she thinks I’d be upset that she’s reading … well, then maybe she should respect my space and not read it.

Anyway. Enough of that.

Here’s the update on me.

Firstly, Wednesday I proved that I am a Real Infertile. I mean, the 5 Clomid Cycles, 6 IUIS, 1 miscarriage, HOMs, 1 failed IVF, and 1 canceled IVF weren’t enough to prove it, right? Nope. But now? Now I’m really part of the Real Infertile club. Because I gave myself a Lupron injection in the car. I had forgotten to take my Lupron in the morning before I left for my appointment, but fortunately, my pharmacy is in the ground floor of the building with Ye Olde Fertility Clinic. So right after my appointment, I refilled my Lupron prescription, sat in my car, drew up the syringe, and stabbed myself with the needle before heading off to work (my office is way closer to my RE than my house is – so it didn’t make sense to go home).

(I will point out that I have previously given myself injections at the Opera, various restaurant bathrooms, at my office, in friends’ houses, and most recently in a Rabbi’s house in the middle of Shabbos dinner – so I’m no stranger to giving myself an injection in odd places. But I hadn’t done the car thing yet. At least not from the driver’s seat.)

So, Wednesday morning I went in for my Lupron Evaluation. This is where things started going wonky in my previous attempt to start IVF#2. At the LE, the RE wants to see the E2 level below 50. Last month, at the LE my E2 level was 98. Double what it should be. I was told to stay on Lupron for a few days and see if it came down. It came down a few points, but not enough, so we kept playing the dance for several appointments, until it became clear that it was time to cancel because I was going to ovulate on my own. Gah.

So this time, I went in for my LE and my E2 was… 89.

Fan. Tastic.

But, SuperDoc wanted to move forward anyway. I have to say, as joyful as I am not to be in an endless loop of canceled cycles? There’s a piece of me that worries that we’re starting this cycle under less than ideal circumstances. Would I have been better off if I’d canceled, gone on the pill for a couple months and started over? I don’t know. But then again, going on the pill for a couple months isn’t really an option for me. One month at a time is one thing, but extended periods of time on BCPs isn’t really an option with my health history. Anyway, my nurse said that after he reviewed everything, he didn’t just resign himself to starting, he wanted to start. He’s the expert, not me. I trust him.

Fortunately, SuperDoc agreed to let me wait until Sunday to come back into the office for monitoring, though normally they would have preferred to see me on Saturday. No doubt next week I’ll have to go in on Wednesday or Thursday, which are the last days of Passover, when I can’t drive, write, use the phone, etc…. but at least I didn’t have to go in on Shabbos.

So, Wednesday night, I started Follistim (166IU) and Luveris (50 units). Now, the thing about the Luveris is that it comes in 75 unit bottles. One vial has the powder, you draw up 1ml of sterile water, add it to the powder and draw that 1ml into the syringe, and voila! you have a 75 unit dose of medicine. In IVF#1, I took 37.5 units of Luveris, so it was easy – I just drew up .5ml and I had my dose. Fifty units is not so easy. I have to draw up .66mls, which I knew courtesy of my pharmacist husband. He rocks. But when I went to do that Wednesday night, I discovered that the syringes I had for the Luveris didn’t have sufficient markings on them to draw up .66 ml. Um, ugh? My husband did his best to draw it up for me. Afterward he asked if I had any insulin syringes because those would have better markings on them to draw up what I needed. The Lupron comes with insulin syringes (plus I have a whole box of insulin syringes leftover from my IUI days when I was using multidose vials of follistim), so I said I’d use those the next day. I hurried up and gave myself the shots and we ran off to our friends’ house for the first Seder.

The next morning, I took my Lupron, but realized later that I was supposed to have dropped the dose to 10 units, but I accidentally stayed at 20 units. Crap. I’ll have to own up to that at some point, won’t I?

Thursday night I drew up the Luveris with insulin syringes, but the Lupron insulin syringes are .5ml syringes, so I had to use 2 syringes to give myself the full dose, plus the Follistim, which was running low on the cartidge, so I had to switch cartridges partway through the dose – for a total of four injections for just two medications. My husband realized that my huge enormous box of insulin syringes upstairs were 1ml syringes, so… problem solved for subsequent evenings. Yeah.

I did remember to drop my Lupron dose the following morning. Good thing. Maybe I’m not such a screwup after all? Bah.

Tomorrow morning (well, I guess it’s really today at this point… golly it’s late!) I go in for more monitoring to see how things are going. I’m not holding my breath.

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