Archive for February 22nd, 2009

And Away We Go

I was talking to a friend today who is about to gear up for an FET in hopes of having her second child. Her first child was born 10 days after our babies were born. I started BCPs today gearing up for IVF#2. So if she and I both have successful cycles again, we could again have kids with similar birthdates. Except there’s no part of me that believes that’s going to happen. In fact even the tiny piece of me that believes it’s possible that I could get pregnant this cycle says, “but what are the odds of you carrying a baby to term?” After all, the only reason my friend and I had babies with similar birth dates last time around is because mine were born 2 months premature (right on time for HOMs, of course, but still a few weeks earlier than I would have liked).

My friend and I were talking about our plans for the future with regard to our current children and she said that a lot of it hinged on when she gets pregnant again. And I said, “Well, yeah, but I guess I’m not really counting on that happening for me.” And I’m not. I never felt this way the first go-around. The first go-around felt like a vast world of opportunity ahead of me with endless possibilities and no end in sight for the chances for me to get pregnant. This time feels like there are so many limitations on my opportunities and I feel like my ability to accomplish my goal within that limitation is… just not likely to come to fruition.

“But don’t you feel like it’s different this time anyway? Since you’ve got kids, there’s only so much you’re willing to put yourself through anyway? Last time I felt like there was no limit to what I’d go through to achieve a pregnancy, but now I feel like there’s only so much I’m willing to commit to to get there,” she said.

Not me. The first time around I definitely felt like there was only so much I could go through. This time? If money were no object, I *know* what the payoff is. I *know* what is waiting for me at the other end of the struggle. I *know* what happens at the end of the story. I’d go through anything to get there again. But obviously, money is an object, and there is a limit. I’ll know when we’ve hit the end, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.

Speaking of pills, I took my first BCP tonight. Thankfully, I won’t be on it as long as I was last time – just one pack this time. 21 days. Last time I was a blubbering mess by week 4. By week 5 I was crying 4 or 5 times a day for no good reason. I am hopeful that only three weeks on the pill will not do this to me.

I picked up all my medications for IVF#2 on Friday. It still feels weird to say that. I know I said a lot that I didn’t have high hopes for IVF#1… but going into it, I kind of did. I told a bunch of people privately, even though I was too scared to actually put that out there into the blogosphere that I had high hopes for George I. I don’t know that I have such high hopes for George II. The fall from hope really was pretty devastating, just as I’d feared.

But onward and upward, right?

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