Archive for January 5th, 2010

Protected: Tired of Fighting

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I can’t recall a year in which I was more eager to say “Good Riddance!” as this one. 2009 can suck it – and I can only pray that it wasn’t just the appetizer course to a long road of sucky years ahead. I often do a month-to-month matrix with the over view of the Good vs. Bad things that happened each month. Usually this reminds me that the good always outweighs the bad. I’m not making quite the same matrix this year – because frankly, 2009 sucked and I don’t need a fancy little grid to rub it in.  So good BYE 2009.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

I’ve read through some of my archives from last year and I see in those posts an over-stressed, over-extended, sleep deprived, and severely depressed person.  And small-wonder, really.  I spent the first couple months of the year not sleeping at all because I was working to coordinate an extraordinarily large volunteer effort for a local triplet family that lost their house to a catastrophic fire.  We had a $6000 plumbing problem in our front yard.  Shortly thereafter, Ellie landed herself in the hospital when she got what was probably RSV which triggered her RAD (reactive airway disease).    This left us fearful every time she got a cold or a sniffle for the several months following.    Sam landed himself in the ER after getting a deep (but small) gash above his eye.  Abby, thankfully, was spared any hospital visits.

Our tax bill was astronomical, as we’d made some … poor calculations at the beginning of 2008.   Our oven door was shattered thanks to our cleaning lady – it would have been fine if it hadn’t been just a few days before Passover started, and you know, if we weren’t dealing with an enormously large tax bill, so that $400 or so to get it replaced really hurt.   I had four failed IVF cycles.  The upside, of course, is that I had a fifth, successful, cycle and found out I was pregnant.  Just after I’d been laid off from my job and Seth was starting a new job, so the insurance situation was… precarious.

I got admitted to the hospital for 8 days (all of Sukkot) and while there, Seth landed himself in the hospital with a back injury for three days.   True, we got a little quiet time together, but not the ideal way to make that happen.  Seth, fortunately, did not need surgery (yet?) but did get a series of epidural steroid shots and still isn’t quite back to his normal self.  Hopefully PT will help.    The hospital bills for us both are still coming and it’s a convoluted mess because neither of us had insurance coverage when we were admitted to the hospital, though ultimately the COBRA election was processed for us both and we were able to get retroactive coverage – but it’s a nightmare to sort out.  My OB fired me, several OBs “declined to accept me” as a new patient.  I’ve had two PICC lines and several emergency room visits.  Yes, it’s great to be pregnant – but gosh, does it have to happen like this?

I’ve never spent a year more tired, more stressed out, or less capable of truly enjoying the blessings that I do have.  And I have a multitude of blessings – I have four beautiful, amazing children who, despite their challenges are by and large good kids and have nothing but love for the world around them.  I have an amazing husband who, despite his own state of exhaustion and stress, takes care of me even when I’m not capable of asking for help.    There were times in 2009 that I wanted to walk away from all of it.  And, frankly, I’m pretty sure I would have been justified in doing so.

And still, I’m reminded that 2009 wasn’t all bad.  Several women that had IVF cycles at the same time as some of my cycles brought babies home before the end of 2009.  Women that I care about reached their dreams of motherhood in 2009.  None of them deserved infertility – no one does – but they kept a sense of grace and humour and pushed forward and achieved their dreams.  For some women, 2009 was the year that made their dreams come true.

So although 2009 wasn’t my best year – well, it was good for many.  My family is one step closer to completion.  I have everything I ever dreamed of, despite the struggles throughout 2009.  My best hope is that 2010 is slightly less of a struggle to see all of the good.

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