So if you’ve been wondering why it is that I moved my blog, this is basically why. Too many IRL folks that I didn’t want reading my blog had found my blog, which left me feeling like I really couldn’t talk about infertility-related things, which, HELLO? is what my blog’s purpose was in the first place. Yes, it’s all fine and good that I have these beautiful triplets and amazing four year old now, but that’s not all this blog is about. The original purpose for this blog was to work through my feelings about infertility and how it impacts my life and the world around me.
But, Karen?! That’s all behind you now! You don’t have to live with all that infertility crap anymore! Your family is complete! Two boys, two girls, what more could a girl ask for? Oh, I know, it’s easy to think that, but I don’t think that way. Maybe I should. Maybe I’d be happier if I did. But I never wanted one pregnancy and then my family building was done. I never said I’d be done with four children (though, admittedly, I did originally have a general goal of four kids in mind). Is it so much to ask that maybe I should get to have a singleton pregnancy without the hell that I went through with the triplet pregnancy? Is it so much to ask that I should get to have as many kids as my little heart desires? Is it so much to ask that I should get to have five million dollars? Is it so much to ask that no one but my husband and I should dictate when we’re done building our family together? Um, okay, so maybe only four million?
So yesterday I had this conversation with Jess:
Me: I can’t do anything right, and I just want to cry.
Her: Are you menstrual?
Me: I don’t think so. No. Definitely not. And I feel REALLY fat. Like beached whale fat.
Her: Okay, so you ARE PMSing. So we’ll chalk it up to that, and see how you’re feeling tomorrow.
Me: No I’m NOT!
*later*
Me: Um, yeah, uh, so you’re smarter than me…
Her: I *knew* it!
Funny thing is, we have this exact same conversation every single month. I have a day where I can’t seem to do anything right, where I just want to cry over everything. She accuses me of PMSing, I insist that can’t be right, next thing you know, I’m spotting. And I *always* feel fatter than usual on PMS days.
But here’s the thing… Um. I’m nursing. Three babies. And I’ve been doing so for 9 months. And do you know how many periods I’ve had in those 9 months? NINE. Never in my life have I gotten nine periods in a row. Never. My OB remains convinced that these are anovulatory periods, but I am skeptical, because the hormonal ups and downs are SO accute, and the signs of ovulation at the right time are pretty darned obvious (even though, even when our timing has been just right, nothing has come of it).
And I just wonder if there will ever come a time in my life where I stop thinking of the first day of "full flow" of my period as "CD1". Will it ever just be a nuisance that I brush off? Or will it forever be a significant day in marked with sadness and fear, heartbreak and hope? I understand, now (not that I didn’t before), why another blogging IFer friend of mine got a tubal ligation after her second child was born recently. A lot of people didn’t understand why she would do such a thing after all she’d gone through to have children, but it makes sense. It takes the significance, the pain, the frustration out of that day. It’s not cycle day one, it’s just the first day of your period. Still, I don’t think I could ever do it. I hate the significance that CD1 has in my life, the power that it holds over my moods and my outlook, yet I love the hope that stretches out in front of it. What could be more glorious?
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m technically not TTC right now, because I’m nursing, and theoretically I’m not ovulating because of that. HAH! But I do know that when I wean my babies (*sob!*), I’ll be heading back for ye old’ fertility clinic (for, say it with me people, single embryo transfers!), and I’ll be once again enmeshed in the mess of counting and waiting and hoping and wishing. Right now I’m trying to pretend that I’m not doing that every month anyway, which is ridiculous, because, hello? I have three nine month olds.
I’m sorry if I seem greedy to those of you who haven’t made it to the other side yet. That’s not what this is about. It’s about the fact that the universe has no right to dictate to ANYONE when or whether they can have a child or another child or even yet another child. I will love any children brought into my life. I have more love to give children, why shouldn’t I be given that chance, just as I hope and pray that you, too, should be given that chance. Preferably sooner than later.
ChezPerky 
I have been struggling with similar feelings of guilt about conceiving so easily (despite infertility) and being absolutely sure that I will be back at an infertility clinic as soon as possible (to the point where I will suggest we spend less money on baby supplies because I know that we will need the money for drugs in about 2 years, or less if breastfeeding doesn’t go so well). I think that in this community there is so much repeat loss and pain that it is considered pure hubris to talk about repeating the whole process, but I grew up in a community with large families and I have always wanted a large family. I’d to love to adopt in the future but I would also like more biological children. And I do feel like it is my choice to decide if I am up for another round of injections and monitoring, despite the consensus that I should be pleased with what I will (hopefully) have in a few months.
I completely agree that just because I went through IF treatment to get pregnant, doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to want more children. Soooo many people imply (and some directly say that). Drives me crazy
You do whatever is right for you.
I started my period by 6 weeks with all my pregnancies, and I nursed exclusively to 15, 17.5 and 20 months. Although all my kids were planned and concieved when I wanted. So I’ve always ovulated well.
But given that you’re now cycling properly I’d have to question whether they were anovulatory…because that sounds like you’re ebodies working for you. Your best bet might be to try natural conception while you’ve got all those hormones in your body…you never know!!
I completely understand what you are saying. In my case I only have one son and want to have another child. I am recently out of a long term relationship and people think I am CRAZY to want to have another child. Your desires are your own. And you’re right, if you want to have 17 kids then you have the right to make that choice for yourself and your family.
Oh, and PMS just sucks all around.
I totally get it. Even with our trio (the eldest who is 7 1/2 months and the other 2 are 3 months tomorrow), I’m still not sure if we’re done. Some days I feel 90% sure that our family is complete but other days it’s more like 50%. Truth be told, if someone could guarantee me a girl and a singleton I’d try to give Kate a sister. And yeah, I feel selfish for even thinking about another child. After trying so hard and for so long, shouldn’t I just be thrilled with my trio and be done? Sure I’m thrilled, actually way beyond thrilled, but I’m not sure I’m done. The thing is, I too would love to be pregnant again. I’m not so sure I want a 4th child as much as I want to be pregnant. Crazy thoughts. I’m rambling. The point is, I get you.
See, I have the same exact type freak out when I get my period. It’d uncanny. I flip and cry one night, and the next day – AF. You’d think I’d start to figure it out.
Anyway – dare I say, if you are actually getting your period anyway, you could do some ovulation testing during your cycle. Oh shit. I just opened up a whole can of worms. Ignore me.
We tried “naturally” from the moment MiniMe was born. On her 1st b-day I was back in the stirrups since we knew we wanted at least 3 children and felt it might take a while so we had better start trying. Little did we know how well it would work….
You do what YOUR family wants to do!
There’s nobody on this earth that I support more than you. There are FEW people on this earth that I love more than you… Someday, this will all be in the past, and we will sit on the front porch of our shared beach house and laugh at the day that we ever dealt with this stuff… Or perhaps we’ll cry. But regardless of it, we’ll still be sharing in it together.
You know my feelings on all of this, and I will be beside you and Seth every step of the way…
::HUGS::
i’m also thinking about when i can *reasonably* start trying to get preggers again although no AF for me yet (also BF still). a bunch of friends & colleagues are preggers now and i am jealous… especially as their bellies round out & the babies start kicking…
I must admit, when I saw the title I thought, “Is Karen trying again so soon after having triplets???”
PMS stinks, even without the pressure of starting another cycle of TTC.
How sick is this….I still see it as CD-1 and get all emotional despite the fact that my husband had a vasectomy after our last baby. I would have 10 more if I could and if we could afford it, which is a bfn to both. I am secretly praying for one of those OOPSIES post surgigal sterilization. Shhhhh, don’t tell anyone!
Side note — don’t assume you’re not ovulating because you’re nursing. I have two friends who were nursing exclusively and both are pregnant again! Nursing is NOT reliable BC. š
Have as many babies as you can and don’t let ANYONE dictate otherwise! Yes it sucks when you are the one left standing at the starting gate, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else should be standing there with you! (Yes I am having a mature infertile day today LOL).
I do have to laugh because a friend and I have that same conversation–she is perimenopausal…so its OBVIOUS when she is PMSing…and I too always get the “you know you were right” LOL.
I have to admit that I’m with docgrumbles on this one. I saw the title and started reading the first paragraph with a touch of panic. My DH has been starting to drop hints about wanting to start cycling again, at which point I look at him like he just walked off the Mars lander with little green guys in tow. I want more children, I really do. And I know that a really scary birthday (fertility-wise) is looming in the not too distant future. And I know that some of my friends whose babies are 3-6 months older than ours are cycling again. So why am I SO freaked by the idea of walking back into my RE’s office? Well, DS is not yet sleeping through the night, I’m STILL working full time out of the house, and I TOTALLY can’t imagine the logistics of cycling a half hour north of the house while working a half hour south of the house AND trying to match that up to my already very tight work and babycare schedule. Then, since OI/IUI is effective for us, another potentially multiple pregnancy with all of its needs while now tending to two mobile little people. I’m wrapping my head around the idea of cycling again, but slowly.
But I’m totally with you on not letting the outside world dictate when you will or won’t have your next. If I hear one more time from my IN-LAWS why, OF COURSE, we’re done after just our two (for a whole litany of reasons), I may just scream! And we get that from SO many people, “Oh, a boy and girl in one shot? Wow, so you’re finished.” Even as a question, that irks me, but as a statement? Uch!