Archive for January 27th, 2009


Ovaries in pain.
I hate fertility drugs.
Head pounding also.

How’s that for an early morning haiku? Technically Haiku starts in the very specific and moves to the very general. Or maybe the opposite. And it usually has to do with nature (hey, this is biology, right? That’s nature, sort of) So my form sucks, but at least I’ve got the whole 5-7-5 thing going (which, by the way, is not a requirement for haiku – haiku simply has 17 or fewer syllables). So, to recap: lousy form, bad writing, but not bad for someone who can’t stand even attempting haiku.

It’s snowing. I love snow. It was snowing the day I had the IUI that worked. I mean the one that worked that did not result in a miscarriage. There was a big snow/ice storm that morning/previous night. It was Valentine’s Day – a huge cliche except I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

But I digress. I love snow. It’s calming – soothing. Which brings me to tomorrow. If they see more than 4 or 5 favorable follicles, I won’t cancel. If it’s four I’ll cancel. If it’s 5 – I swear on all that is holy (I know I’m not supposed to do that), I’m flipping a coin.

I’m not feeling all zen about it, but I’m calm. I hate this. I hate every stinking second of this. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be easy; straightforward. This was supposed to be simple. (not that this is ever easy – but at least this was supposed to be straightforward)

I remember sitting in SuperDoc’s office after my 6th IUI. The one that was supposed to fail. I was sitting there for my 2nd IVF consult (I’d had an IVF consult right before my 4th IUI which was also not supposed to work, but did, though it ended in miscarriage). Anyway, I was talking to him and I said that I do realize that compared to many women who have been through this fertility gig I have had it pretty easy and haven’t been through all that much. He looked at me earnestly, paused, and said, “Let’s just say you’ve handled your burden with extraordinary grace.”

You know what?

I’m tired of handling this with grace.

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There was a piece of me that really didn’t want to bother taking any of my drugs tonight. Or tomorrow. I seriously considered just coasting until Wednesday. Blowing it all off. Probably guaranteeing a cancelation, but at least eliminating the uncertainty.

But I’m not good at being a rebel, so, good girl that I am, I dutifully took my drugs, as planned. We’ll see how things go on Wed.

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